Yellow Brick Road: Your Path to Heart & Health

Things Said and Unsaid

By Debra Basham, on August 10, 2022

How was it that her whole life could be
distilled down to that simple truth?
Words mattered.
Her life had been defined
by things said and unsaid….

Winter Garden: A Novel
by Kristin Hannah

Yesterday morning on my bike ride I had one of those mundane moments that reveal such eternal truth it almost takes your breath away. Making the left turn into a short cul-de-sac, I saw a cat stretched out on the driveway. In my best, high-pitched voice I spoke my heart, “Hello, Kitty!!!”

Every rotation of the bike’s tires revealed deep yearning for a close encounter of the cat kind. Since 2000, I had cat energy in my life weekly, when I was in Kalamazoo at Joel’s home. The current generation of cats: Bobbie, McGee, and Zeus, were adopted into a new home after Joel was moved to a memory-care facility in Tennessee late this spring.

Loss of Joel’s intellect, his collaboration, his witness to my birth as a writer was entwined with the loss of the satiating love of cat.

During the winters in Florida, I would go to Great Licks Ice Cream Parlor, to pet the cat. Many a morning bike ride took me to St. James City Automotive, home of Sonny, who would enjoy the affection so much he would forget to swallow – dripping drool all over himself and me and the floor. (See Sonny in “Fingers on Fur” from 2018.)

A few days ago, my sister posted on Facebook: There is no greater earthly privilege than to have been loved by a cat. My comment on her post was this emoji with a cat on my head.

A lively conversation with a dharma sister about the nuance that unconditional love is probably really unconditionED love has opened my heart to so much truth these past days. This morning I was led to a Yellow Brick Road blog post from on February 17, 2019. In that post “Acceptance” I feel a sacred circle of truth: Saying exactly what you need will allow a new pattern to emerge. Be willing to say it gently over and over until the new pattern is stable.

Circling that cul-de-sac I could feel the grasping for that cat encounter. In my head was a tug-of-war about stopping or not stopping. Approaching the driveway from the other direction, I still did not know if I was going to stop and approach the cat.

As my subtle energy began making the turn away from the drive, that voice called out, “Have a great day, Kitty!”

Then and only then, did my awareness expand and notice that the kitty was not the only four-legged in that driveway: A robust German Shepherd had been lying on the asphalt a few feet away from the cat!!!!

So many times in life grasping or aversion have dictated words said or unsaid.

One New Years Eve, somewhere about 1980, my resolution was to every day say to Stacey, “I love you”….

Be willing to say it gently over and over until the new pattern is stable.

Dissent with Love

By Debra Basham, on August 3, 2022

Love takes off the masks
we fear we cannot live without
and know we cannot live within.

~ James Baldwin (Gratefulness.org)

Group 2 sharing last evening was active with exploring the question of the value of being ordained (in Buddhism). This was not so much an intellectual discussion, but a sincere reflection of the yearning many expressed toward living in a community that honors, respects, and supports those deeper dynamics of mindful living. Several in our group have been exploited by spiritual leaders in this lifetime — emotionally or mentally or sexually — and sometimes all three.

Many said the time of hero worship or guru gazing have personally passed us by.

Interesting, just yesterday morning out on a bike ride, Larry was telling me about the great-grandmother of a child Linda had the privilege of doing a baptism for last week. He said this woman is Hispanic, and he assumes she likely has a Catholic background. She also has dementia and, although she never said a word, he felt he could see in her eyes the accusation, “That woman is no priest!”

Over the years, many miles on this Yellow Brick Road have been walking away from the past where patriarchy choked the rights of women out of our collective lives. This morning, two daily writings address the benefit of having “right view.” The first is from Neale Donald Walsch (author of the series of Conversations with God books).

… that a point of view different from your own might be well worth entertaining. Sometimes it is not easy hearing an idea that is different from the one you are advancing — yet it might be that second idea for which you were actually reaching. Answers arrive in more ways than one. Sometimes they come through us, and sometimes they come to us.

Brandon Morton’s son with a baby goat!

Our bicycle-riding conversation continued, “The church Linda’s brother and sister-in-law and her sister and brother-in-law go to still will not allow women in leadership. The husband is the head of the house, and the wife is by scripture ordered to be submissive to his will. Do you think Linda would go along with that?”

I responded to Larry, “I would hope she would not, and more than that, I would hope you would not ask that of her.”

Reading online this morning from The Discrimination of Women in Buddhism: An Ethical Analysis: “Men and women are considered the two wheels of a cart. They should be considered equal if we want the cart to move ahead. If one wheel is smaller than the other, the movement will definitely be impaired.”

One of the headings in that article leapt off the page: Is Buddhism a Sexist Religion?

I would also ask, Is Christianity a Sexist Religion?

Perhaps (blatant or latent) sexism, along with other forms of discrimation, is within all religions and all of our human history. It is HIStory, for heaven’s sake…. But where do we go from here? We only pretend to repair a cart with imbalanced wheel size by exchanging it for a different cart that also has an unbalanced wheel size.

The second writing that speaks us forth in love and wisdom and respect for all beings comes from Deep Spring Center for Meditation:

Thought for Today by Aaron

As we work with these practices, please realize that they are leading you in the direction of trusting your own ability not to enact anger or other negative movement when it arises. To hold it in the heart with compassion until it dissolves. To reclaim your power as higher density beings— no longer a third density human but higher density, able to trust that those around you will not be projecting negativity so it’s safe to share, and you will not be projecting negativity so it’s safe to share. But that you are still capable of saying, “No, I disagree with this or that.” That’s very different than expressing negativity. Expression of view is not an expression of negativity, it’s simply an expression of view. And we learn how to hold different views and deeply hear each other. Then one unified understanding arises and we move forward with it. Or, if one is not in full agreement, one sees that the rest of the group is and abstains from obstructing the process. But if one person thinks, “This will be totally destructive,” one will still hold, “I cannot agree. Go ahead and do what you need to do, but I dissent. But I dissent with love.”

I was just about ready to push “publish” when I received this additional confirmation from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation Thought for Today:

We pray for wisdom, and sometimes we achieve it. The strongest and wisest of men are not threatened by questioning their own answers. If we draw conclusions and blindly stick to them, we can never learn anything new. We have often made the mistake of avoiding the appearance of ignorance.

Instead, we are at our best when we give ourselves the privilege of being a learner. When someone tells us something we don’t understand or agree with, our best response is to ask for more information. We can take our ego out of the equation, surrender our need to be right, and simply try to learn what is being told to us. What is it that I don’t understand here? What does the other person see that I am missing? When we attain a moment of wisdom, we are open to learning.

Today, I will give myself the privilege of being a learner.

From the book Stepping Stones: More Daily Meditations for Men.

Once your intention is clear, perhaps the answer is also already clear!

Momentum Being Gathered

By Debra Basham, on July 23, 2022

For years I have been fascinated by a particular wind feature in the Memorial Garden at our local hospice office. There is something inspired about the way the moving parts cooperate. I only visit on days the offices are closed. Today was one of those welcome days.

As I leaned against the utility case watching, an understanding of the movement dawned on me. Parts would move backwards, then stop and wait, and then turn and move in the other direction. The momentum being gathered by this “seeming” reversal was obvious. The pause was deliberate.

Tears streamed down my face as I got on my bike and rode toward home.

I am not sure if I have shared this poem on the Yellow Brick Road previously or not.

Poem Double Standard

It was 1966
when the rabbit died
killing a rabbit to test for pregnancy
is recognized as absolutely ridiculous now
as is allowing the father to attend high school, while banning the mother
for being obviously sexually active
a bad influence on the other girls
but I did not get pregnant by myself
and unless this baby too is an immaculate conception
it took two to tango

Double standards did not stop there
and sadly they continue today

A woman who has more than one lover is labeled “promiscuous” or “a slut”

A messy house reflects on her character

Overweight men attract sexy women but a fat female is seen as unattractive and told she let herself go to pot or hell or the dogs

The knife of double standards cuts in both directions

By the age of two, boys hear that big boys don’t cry

We tell them only sissies eat quiche

Women are not taught to lead and men are not taught to follow

Not being allowed to attend high school shaped my destiny
Feeling less-than, became a part of me

Formal education would not be part of my life
crossed off the list when I became a wife

But after decades of yearning and a lifetime of learning
I’m finally free to be me
I can honor my past—
thank god-at last—
proudly hang out dirty laundry where all can see

I would do it all again
except for the guilt

I’m a great mom
he’s a great dad
our baby girl
the only one we had
over fifty now
time has flown
already her kids
out on their own

If I had it to do over
I certainly would
I’d let go of the hurdles
and remember the good
I’d refuse to allow
another to say how
my life should be
can’t they see
it’s time now
to tear down the double standard
or to step over it at least
live and let live
in kindness and peace

Yes, looking back
it is plain to see
what has been there
was shaping me
into the woman I am
the one I’m very proud of
that double standard
filled my life with love

~ Debra Basham 5/30/17

Arundhati Roy, author of the novel, The God of Small Things, is a political activist involved in human rights and environmental causes. This past week our daughter, Stacey, was let go from her job as an administrative assistant to a regional director for Speedway Corporation. She has loved her job, her “team,” and the Speedway corporate culture. In August 2020, Speedway was sold to 7-Eleven Inc. for $21 billion. Stacey was one of over a thousand employees who were let go just this week, and this sort of thing happens every day, a product of the way things have always been.

Arundhati’s words send a shaft of light into my soul:

The corporate revolution will collapse if we refuse to buy what they are selling – their ideas, their version of history, their wars, their weapons, their notion of inevitability.

Remember this: We be many and they be few. They need us more than we need them.

Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.”

― Arundhati Roy

Our beloved friend lost her power in a strong thunderstorm on Thursday evening. Friday morning she received a call from the facility where her beloved husband has been in a memory care unit for over five years. He had taken a turn for the worst, and could she come right away. Today is Saturday and her power had not yet come back on. As John began action to get help to take our generator to her home, I sent him a text message, “Does it make sense to wait to see if it does come back on?”

He wrote back, “It’s probably time we get it running.” Before he pulled in our driveway with Larry in the van, I had a message from her saying the power was back on.

The conversation that followed was not isolated. It is woven into the web of patriarchy that has outworn any benefit it might have ever had. As John shared with me that “the guys at coffee” said the refrigerator stuff was critical by this time, I spoke truth. This was just the most recent of his discounting my opinion in favor of the opinion of his male friends. Earlier in the week we confirmed what I had known since 2019: we had a roof leak in the guest bathroom. Before the market crash in 2008, we met with our financial advisor and I expressed worry I had about our investment. I wanted him to move our investments out of the market for a while. The investment broker said, “If fear takes you out of the market, it will keep you out of the market.” He used logic to override what I had no logic to back up. All I had was a feeling.

As I was riding my bike away from that amazing wind feature with its powerful lessons, a song came into my head. Here are the lyrics:

Oh, I wish I were famous
Like Sarah or Ruth
I wish people would listen
When love speaks the truth

I wish knees would bow
And hands would clasp
When we all remember
Who we are at last

I wish I were famous
I don’t think it’ll take long
If someone would pray
Another sing a song
Write a poem
Paint a picture
Let everyone see
I belong to you and you belong to me

Oh, I wish I were famous
I’d give it all away
I’d lay down my weapons
And go out and play
I’d let the sun shine on me
I’d dance in the rain
Oh, if I were famous
I’d end all our pain

Seemingly backward motion might just be momentum being gathered….

July 16

By Debra Basham, on July 16, 2022

The passion to alleviate suffering is itself part of the path, you know. To whatever degree we are able to do that.

And to honor that place in us that wishes to see the world as different.

~ Beverly Lanzetta, “Engage 2022“

Today is a momentous day in human history, when 13,152 Jews in Paris were arrested, including more than 4,000 children. Likely few individuals alive, exactly 80 years later, remember that date.

I just finished reading Sarah’s Key, a historical fiction novel by Franco-British author, Tatiana de Rosnay. On July 16, 1942, when the French police took Sarah and her parents into custody, this innocent child locked her younger brother in a cabinet — their secret hiding place — thinking he would be spared the trauma of the arrest. Even though Sarah’s Key is not historical fact, you can see why this is not an easy read (also made into a movie).

In 2012, as I was going through surgery to remove a 22cm mass on my ovary, I received a message from the Holy Spirit that the “divine feminine” could not be stabilized on the planet until human women could forgive human men. (The divine feminine is the spiritual concept that there exists a feminine counterpart to the patriarchal and masculine worship structures that have long dominated organized religions. The divine feminine extends well beyond one belief system, and instead can be used as a spiritual lens to balance our perspective.)

More from Beverly Lanzetta, in a talk titled “Becoming Wisdom:”

make

Last evening I received an email message from a friend on the dharma path asking me how I manage when there are so many people whose names we have to say prayers for. “It can become a very long prayer session, several hours, to say individualized prayers for each. Yet it feels insincere and superficial, irresponsible, to do some sort of group prayer.”

I shared some of my process. “In a practical sense, I first set an intention for the GROUP – meaning all beings – not just the sangha. I then allow (trust) spirit to bring to mind (I think of it as focusing a lens) individual aspects or persons. I do not try to manage this from my conscious mind.”

I went on to share about the time I was providing surgical support for a colleague in Tennessee who was having knee surgery. I used my customary process but on the day of her procedure she and her surgery did not come into conscious awareness. The following day she called to thank me and said my presence with her was palpable!

Yet another phase of softening around a “personal” identity.

Here is some more of the conversational stream with my dharma friend:

D: Yes! No “separate I” praying for or to, just awareness of that stream of consciousness called prayer. I read once, years ago, that prayer does not change god, it changes us. This makes a deeper sense to me now.

A: I know I spontaneously and periodically think of them throughout the day. I remind myself momentarily that they are in need, are suffering in some way that needs God’s attention and help.

D: Yes! I am in awe of how someone will pop into my mind and I will reach out and discover there is great need for support at that exact instant. One time, I received a mailing from our church conference. I saw the name of a woman I had counseled with at a youth camp. I knew her husband had been ill. I picked up the phone and called her. He had just passed…. I mean moments before. His body was still there in the house. When she asked me what had made me call, I told her seeing her name on the conference mailing prompted the call. She said she had not been in that group, and when I looked again at the list, her name was not on it!

A: Maybe Spirit knows and hears despite my drifting consciousness.

D: I am convinced you are right about this. In Christian terms it is said that the holy spirit prays for us. “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans …” Romans 8:26.

On this July 16 (2022), the wordless groans of those 13,152 Jewish men and women, including the 40,000 children are heard….

“You can’t wait until
life isn’t hard any more
to be happy…”

~ Nightbirde

Dear Heart

By Debra Basham, on July 14, 2022

Several times yesterday I felt great sadness and compassion for my body. This is likely the result of talking to my primary doctor about what I observe related to blood pressure and heart rate. She said the medications are not causing the things I am observing, so it makes her wonder about my heart. I am already scheduled to have a Coronary Artery Calcium Score test done next week.

The feelings of sadness and compassion for my body are like one would feel for “another” person. Awareness of all that my body has endured, plus a desire to care for it, fills me with great love.

The “Voice” assures me my heart is healthy.

The same “Voice” said it has assured me I was done with melanoma, and that has been the case.

At 2:00 am I received an email from a woman in our dharma study group. She is in her last trimester of pregnancy and she and her husband, their toddler son, and her parents are all ill with Covid. Two of Barbara Brodsky’s sons have tested positive and are quite ill. Another of my dharma buddies is also navigating.

I pick up crayons and a pen and begin to draw and write.

I draw a four-chambered heart, as observed in The Four-Fold Way: Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer, and Visionary, by Angeles Arrien. Arrien is a cross-cultural anthropologist. She is a leading expert on native spirituality and shamanism. In The Four-Fold Way, she reveals the four archetypal principles of the Native American medicine wheel and how they can lead us to a higher spirituality and a better world.

Flowers spring up and I write a haiku (poem).

A Heart Haiku
Be strong, my dear heart
Be clear, like the open sky
Be full, like the moon

Opening can hurt
But being closed is not life
Break open, my dear heart

I write about beating. Beating all the odds. And that a heart breaks in only one direction: open. I write a an acrostic poem, in which the first letter (or syllable, or word) of each line (or paragraph, or other recurring feature in the text) spells out a word or message.

O – Only
P – Perfection
E – Exists
N – Now

I write a letter to my own physical heart.

Dear Heart,

I’ve taken you for granted most of my life. Please feel my gratitude for your constant beating — for moving blood through my body. For keeping time.

This day I pray for all hearts to awaken.

This day may all hearts be strong, clear, open and full.

May the heart of my body and the heart of this planet beat in harmony that all beings come to the end of suffering.

May all beings know peace.

Love, Debra

~ Daily Quote by Aaron

Moments of Choice

By Debra Basham, on July 11, 2022

If you want to go quickly, go alone.
If you want to go far, go together.
~ African proverb

Several weeks ago I saw a coyote pup in the field adjacent to Pilgrim Congregational UCC Church, directly across from our park. I mentioned it in a previous post titled: Coyote Pup and Purposeful Purse Project. I had stopped and we watched one another for quite some time, but it made the pup nervous, so, “He pulled away first but I continued to watch as he gingerly picked his way to the church parking lot and out of my view.”

Edward Salim Michael (1921-2006) was an extraordinarily talented composer and had tremendous potential as an artist, but most importantly, he was a mystic, almost a natural mystic. For those who have never heard of him, it is worth noting that his work was about how you can achieve a direct inner experience of your higher nature and the after-death state (from which you originate and to which you will return).

If you are interested in what is referred to as “the law of attention,” or you know you long to have an experience of “hearing the holy sound,” you might want to check out The Price of a Remarkable Destiny: The Life and Spiritual Journey of Edward Salim Michael.

This book–at once simple and powerful–stands as a monument to the lifelong spiritual struggles of Edward Salim Michael, struggles that he heroically surmounted on his path to enlightenment. Due to the circumstances of his birth, Michael had no education, no mother tongue, and no book learning when he was drafted at the age of 19 into the British Royal Air Force during World War II. After learning to read and write he became an accomplished classical composer in France. In 1949, after seeing a statue of a Buddha for the first time, he experienced a powerful awakening of his innate Buddha Nature, which inspired him to begin a sustained and extremely disciplined meditation practice.

On Saturday morning, I rode my bike to the remembrance garden at the hospice building in preparation for meeting with my friend Kim, to officiate the Celebration of Life of her 32 year old son. I saw a dead coyote pup on the edge of Maiden Lane. I cannot say with certainty that it was the pup I had seen previously. I was instantly reminded of having seen both the peaceful fawn corpse, then the traumatized doe corpse. I looked up “coyote” totem meaning again:

The coyote is here to remind you that even if you don’t feel it, you actually have the capacity to handle any situation you find yourself in.

It seems right now every human being on the planet is experiencing many moments of choice.

This morning, looking back over my notes from a healing workshop with Barbara Brodsky, and Aaron, on Wednesday, May 24, 2017, I read about ancestral baggage.

Aaron: When I think of ancestral baggage, I think of literally the karma one has taken on from one’s physical ancestors, both family and of a wider group – cultural group, religious group, even human karma. The personal karma is different.

For example, as I meet, counseling and working with people, there is a generation today, many of whom experienced the Holocaust from one side, one perspective or another. Many who experienced it, not personally but had parents and grandparents who experienced it, are carrying some of that “personal baggage” from it and in healing it through finding forgiveness for the places of fear and hatred in their own hearts, healing that in themselves. They don’t have to be thinking of the situation of the Holocaust, but they are helping to free the anger and fear and hatred of their ancestors.

Those from the other perspective, who were among those who were doing such great harm, may experience the same thing. There’s often enormous shame and guilt in the incarnate self, without any real understanding of where it came from. Its not personal karma, but they came in to the incarnation with the intention to help to heal, to free some of the ancestors who are very much trapped in the terrible things they did and the self-remorse and self-hatred over those things.

Tavis: Can one heal, then, these longstanding ancestral issues by addressing one’s own guilt, shame….

Aaron: Absolutely. And this is the best place to release it. When you release it for yourself, you release it for everyone. So, this is very powerful.

What to do if you see a coyote?
If you see a coyote during the daytime, you should exhibit caution, as that coyote may have become habituated to humans (and may be more likely to attack). If you are approached by a coyote, you should yell, wave your arms, and/or throw something at the coyote (do not run away).

May all beings resist the urge to run away when we witness ancestral karma, and may we each make the most of many moments of choice.

It’s a Gift

By Debra Basham, on July 6, 2022

And I said to my body, softly,
“I want to be your friend.”

It took a long breath. And replied,
“I have been waiting my whole life for this.”

~ Nayyirah Waheed

Speaking about his book, All for Love: The Transformative Power of Holding Space, Matt Kahn shares,”I look back at these times and all the stories that I tell — I’m telling some very deep stories, I’m telling some very emotionally stirring stories. But as I’m telling the stories, even when I’m recalling the deepest pain, I’m really recalling them from a place of gratitude, because I look back at my life and I really do see how everything was a divine setup for who I came to be and all the lives that I’m so blessed I have the chance to touch.”

This has certainly been true for my life as well.

In 1988 I was living with chronic pain. I was having bad days and worse days. I NEVER had a day back then that was free of pain.

Experiencing relief of unrelenting chronic pain resulted in my passion for getting certified in Healing Touch.

It is other-worldly to even imagine what would have unfolded differently without all of it.

The focus circle is based on the work of Jerry and Esther Hicks (The Vortex), and the sample used below is adapted from one that was created by Arvind Singh.

Step one is to identify what you think of as a current limitation. The sample I have used is: “I feel insecure about my body.” Write about whatever you are working with in your own words so you know what will help.

Next, make a short, positive statement of what you do want: “A vibrant, healthy, sexy, body.” Be sure to avoid anything that might seem unrealistic or unattainable right now, like the following: “My body could be on the cover of a fitness magazine, “or “I can have my dream body in a week.” Again, using your own words for your goal.

Now, easily start your change in attitude, belief, and behavior, from a place you have experienced because, as Singh says, it is hard to have emotional resistance about something that you have already had.

1. I like the way that I feel in that new outfit.
2. I have a desire to be healthy.
3. I felt so vibrant that night in Cancun, just dancing all night.
4. I feel my cells responding as I write this, getting brighter and healthier.
5. Everything I have ever really put my mind to, I have accomplished.
6. I’ve been told I have amazing eyes.
7. What I’m experiencing right now has created a strong desire for change.
8. I can see myself feeling confident and attractive.
9. My inner-being loves me unconditionally.
10. I appreciate the fact that I can deliberately achieve what I want.
11. When I close my eyes I can see and feel my vibrant, healthy, sexiness.
12. I am a beautiful and beloved creation.

I always like to look again at my positive statement and notice I can actually feel that now.

State your current positive statement, “I feel vibrant, healthy, and sexy now” and just relax a bit as you think about all the things that are wonderful that came to be out of a process. Plants, babies, houses, your goal for better health and well-being – they are all things that take a while to achieve and they are worth the time and commitment.

All human beings are navigating life.

Rather than be disappointed or angry or sad about what someone (even if that someone is you) is experiencing, realize that you might be moments from a breakthrough.

While it is undeniable they are not pleasant, breakdowns can lead to breakthroughs. We end up having more compassion, more understanding, and more wisdom. We learn something helpful and share that with others.

At first, we can feel out-of-control and overwhelmed with our feelings of despair and anxiety. It’s hard to see that what we are going through is often a gift wrapped in a not-so-pretty package. ~ Kristen D. Boice

Its a gift that I have been waiting my whole life for!

Out-flowing – Getting Free (By Setting Others Free)

By Debra Basham, on June 29, 2022

Thought for Today

Imagine a whole world of beings deeply committed to expressing themselves with some kind of beauty, not necessarily physical beauty but beauty of generosity of spirit, of kindness. Imagine a world where this can flourish. Here we have the imaginal cells at work.

So, if we talk about what conditions
are needed for a world that can be at peace,
all beings living in a wholesome way,
not destroying themselves and each other,
what’s needed here?

Can you begin to imagine it?

Because if you can’t imagine it,
you can’t plant the seeds that can co-create it.
~ Aaron, Deep Spring Center For Meditation and Spiritual Inquiry

Oh, my…. yesterday I came out of my center and went off like the olden days. I have distant memory of allowing fear to totally dictate my days.

One very memorable moment from long, long, ago in a far-way land, took place when John and I were in St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands. I had been there previously without John so I knew that they drove American-made vehicles on the English side of the road. Navigating through the downtown was nothing short of terrifying, so I had UBER planned our trip to pick up our rental car at the remote end of the island near where we were staying. But when the guy came to bring me the car, he had come from the Airport!!!

I made such a scene! He told me the remote location had closed. I told him I did not care about any of that, my contract was with the Red Hook location and that was where I was going to take him. He could hitchhike back to the airport, walk, or call for someone to come and get him. That was his problem.

Oddly, I am not sure how it resolved itself, but I admit I have often imagined him telling the story of a berserk customer having a meltdown in the lobby of Frenchman’s Reef.

Yesterday’s trigger was around politics.

When I told Stacey I had gotten triggered by something political, she said, “How did you even get close enough to something political to get triggered?” I am grateful she knows my true nature is apolitical (not interested or involved in politics).

This morning I woke up feeling shaky inside. It was the sort of feeling that would encourage me to take 1/2 of the Zanax, but I was going to my primary, Dr. Mancini, for the post-hospitalization visit and I did not want to mask my state. I was honest about how I was feeling, and she was beautifully present with me. I agreed to start on a low-dose prescription to lower blood pressure, and to continue the statin until we have results of the cardiac plaque test. As we navigated, I could feel myself regulating. Then I went with John to the pain clinic…. oy vey!

After he was home and resting, I decided to ride my bike to pick up the new medication. This was the first time I had been back on my bike since the TGA event one week ago today. Riding really does balance me, but the transformation came not while I was riding, but while I was in line at Walgreens.

The person in front of me (it was a long wait) was arranging to pick up her prescriptions next week. She said something about needing to wait until then (for financial reasons). She completed her consult, and left.

When I stepped up to the window, I said I wanted to pay for her medications. It was such a spontaneous action, and it took approval of a manager, but we figured out how it could be done with my not having any information other than the total cost.

I floated out of that store.

Yesterday I shared a handout on Essentials of Self Care: Breath and Emotions with a colleague who is teaching a mindfulness course in the fall. The handout includes a quotation by Norman Vincent Peale, from The Amazing Results of Positive Thinking: Dramatic Proof of How Positive Thinking Has Changed the Lives of Millons… and How it Can Change Your Life!. His words of wisdom were written in 1959, but they have never been more timely.

When people get rid of fear, anxiety and self-centeredness they develop a kind of ecstatic joy and delight in living. The world seems so different and newly wonderful that they tend to love everybody and everything. And they become so warm-hearted and delightful that people take a real liking to them. They change from withdrawn, worrying persons to ones with vitality and charm. They become “out-flowing” personalities; that is, personalities which now flow outward towards others in kindness and helpfulness. (p.60)

Sunday I will be guest pastor at St. John UCC again. The theme is “Freedom From and For.” We will share a beautiful exercise on getting free from Reunion Living Ministry. Thank you, Betty Lue and Robert.

By freeing actively and willingly desiring that the key people in our lives be totally free and powerful, we get to be free and powerful ourselves. So here is an affirmation-prayer that may help us begin by freeing others, so that we can begin to free ourselves.

I, (your name), want you, (his or her name), to be the highest, clearest, most powerful expression of God that you can be. I would not limit you in any way, knowing that only as I encourage you to expand, and grow, can I myself be free. So I fully support you in being and expressing all that you are.

I want you to go where you feel called to go, to speak and act as you feel guided, and to express yourself in whatever ways seem right. There is nothing I do not want you to do, for I know that all movement is contained within the mind of God and always leads us to Him.

I am at peace with whatever decisions and choices you make, no matter how they may seem to affect me. Since I know that God loves and supports me perfectly, then I know that however you choose to be with me must be a manifestation of that divine love and support. Because I trust God, I trust you. And because I trust you, I trust myself.

So be free, be powerful, be unlimited. And know that I, (your name), want you, (his or her name), to be the highest, clearest, most powerful expression of God that you can be. I fully support you in being all that you are.

In the blank I wrote: I, Debra, want all human beings to be the highest, clearest, most powerful expressions of God.

We must be the change we wish to see in the world. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Amen.

Transient Global Amnesia

By Debra Basham, on June 25, 2022

I will surrender to my greatest highest good.
I will release any fear that blocks my way.
For every step I take is taken in pure faith,
And I am stronger every moment every day.

(Lyrics) Morning Prayer, I Surrender by Karen Drucker

In 2012, following the hysterechtomy to remove a 22 cm ovarian mass, I experienced a temporary lack of the normal muscle contractions of the intestines (ileus). Relief did not fully occur until a dear friend did Reiki on me. We laughed that she was able to Reiki the $h!t out of me. To this day, every bowl movement is accompanied by a real-time jolt of joy. It reminds me of a toddler’s excitement at going potty.

Wednesday morning, June 22, 2022, seemed like a normal day. I did some meditation and went for a bike ride. I really was riding as a way of “getting back on the horse” after having taken a tumble on Monday morning. A serious case of road rash on my arm and hand resulted.

After I got back from my ride, I was able to proofread a piece for a friend, and I said goodbye to John as he left for his physical therapy appointment. Very soon after that, I was miraculously able to phone Linda Gunter, saying I had been trying to pay some bills but was feeling very confused.

Medical phobia (a result of womb and childhood trauma) has been a constant companion. My “career” of mind-body work was an outgrowth of seeking and sharing with others tools that gave me relief. I ended up in ER and was admitted to the hospital for a stroke-workup. I am relieved to report that ALL of the tests show no stroke, no brain bleed, no seizure.

The diagnosis: Transient Global Amnesia. A common feature of transient global amnesia includes repetitive questioning, usually of the same question. Mine was, “Did I have a bike accident?”

Tears come to my eyes easily, including as I write this morning. I have about 8 hours of my life I do not have any recall of, but, more importantly, I have a long-lasting sense of relief and gratitude and freedom from fear of medical things.

On Friday morning, June 17, I had done some off-road riding, and because I rode in the opposite direction of my normal route, I came upon a remarkable fawn corpse. Regardless of the obvious fact that the lower body of the fawn had been eaten, the fawn exuded innocence, and beauty, and peace. I have previously shared the photo with a few people. I was so moved, and I knew I would write about it, but I had no idea what else was to come forth.

A doe corpse I saw on my ride Monday morning was the exact opposite of the fawn. The doe had been killed by a car. The stench of fear, terror, anguish hung heavily in the air. Just as was the peace of the fawn corpse, this fear of the doe corpse was “palpable.”

I knew in that instant a profound truth: a fragrance of our life and our death “lingers.”

Transient global amnesia can be caused by a stroke or a seizure, but it can also be a result of stress, anxiety, or high blood pressure. This “Molotov cocktail” has been my poison for so long. The neurologist said you can think of TGA like when a circuit breaker pops, or when your computer system reboots.

My entire life has been plagued by fear. I learned that fear in the womb, then it was amplified at age five when I was treated for polio by being placed in isolation. Never having previously been separated from my mother, that hospitalization was traumatic for both of us. IT WAS THE VERY SAME HOSPITAL I WAS TAKEN TO THIS WEEK.

I recognize and honor the good that has come as a result of all of my life challenges, but I am profoundly grateful of the recent unfolding. My greatest fear had been that I would be a “bad” witness at the time of my death. I yearned to be able to welcome my return to spirit with joy — with the innocence and beauty and peace of the fawn. I know the continuity of consciousness is real. I want to be a way-shower in my death as well as in my life.

According to the information from Mayo Clinic, transient global amnesia has no direct complications. It’s not a risk factor for stroke or epilepsy. It’s possible to have a second episode of transient global amnesia, but it’s extremely rare to have more than two.

After a major stroke took her left brain off-line, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor (My Stroke of Insight) was able to rewire her brain without the fear. Our book club read her book, and, if her story is new to you, you will love her TED talk (which has been viewed over 28 million times). I had the honor of seeing her speak in person a number of years ago. She has certainly taken full advantage of her adversity.

On Wednesday night, in a hilarious Train of Care, John and Linda and Larry left me at the hospital.

The train pulled out leaving me alone, but not afraid. So many people were holding me in prayer and love and light, and I could feel it. During the night, a guy pulled out his IV and I could hear the nurses saying there was blood everywhere. Someone with a trach tube kept having to be suctioned out. I heard people crying out in pain or confusion. Inside of me, I could hear beautiful sounds of love. I played Karen Druker’s Morning Prayer. I softened and felt the peace that passes understanding.

One of the women in my small dharma group shared this:

Debra. I just wanted to share with you that when you were in the hospital, I was sitting and sending you energy and support, and I had one of the more powerful experiences I’ve had of being filled with energy, light and love, feeling it move through my body as a vessel toward you, surrounding you in love. . . I do wonder if all sitting in prayer that way, we joined together in that 5th dimensional healing, of sangha. With love, Lisa

(Worth mentioning is how having just gone through a stroke work-up with John two months ago, my experience was less “unknown” and I know that supported this miracle of release of fear. One friend said she could see it as a “sacred contract” he and I came in to this life with. It certainly is sacred.)

Every time I recall something mundane, such as when John could not remember the name of a child who came to music on Thursday evening. I told him her name is Sophie and I got an immediate jolt of joy!

Terror Gone Away… I think that is how I will remember this TGA.

Walking in Wonder

By Debra Basham, on June 15, 2022

Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God puts it this way: Life works out in the process of Life Itself. All you have to do is trust that it will, and allow it to.

My blood pressure was 126/80 at the doctor’s office on Monday afternoon. I reported that I am doing deep work with Laura. Dr. Mancini asked if my left knee had been bothering me. She said it is the hip flexor pulling at the knee and she has me doing a hip-drop stretch. I am doing on the massage table that we currently have set up in the great room here in our tiny house!

From the “Voice of the Holy Spirit” in my journal writing yesterday:

Good Goats

We know you are not sure what you are to see your friend, Laura, about today, but you are willing to look. In fact, you are willing to look at the emptiness of catalysts!

The catalysts don’t cease as much as they cease to trigger you into mindless reactivity. We know your history with storms. Monday evening you were appropriately watchful. You are appropriately watchful at this time about possible conditions related to blood pressure and your heart.

Debra: I am wondering if you can give me clarity if I have sleep apnea?

Would you trust what your guidance tells you over what the tests reveal?

Debra: I know sometimes I can fool myself. Other times, I am able to trust. For example, you have assured me I am done with melanoma. And that no cancer was related to the ovarian mass.

Notice the tendency to future or past. What is your experience in this present moment?

Debra: Like when I was walking and would get lost in thought by planning or remembering and my heart rate would skyrocket!. I began walking as though I was with my three-year-old grand daughter, taking it all in, present with my present experience.

I shared this awareness with Laura. She wondered what this little girl might need from me. My sense is she does not need anything from me but she wants to give me a carefree life experience. I told Laura about the soul collage I did at a retreat on living and dying well I attended in 2014. Here I am:

Notes from Evening with Aaron:

It is about waking up. What does waking up mean?

There is no “other” only myriad faces of the self — all expressions of something — all interacting.

I am not born, I do not die.

One is always awake, but not yet aware of that awakeness.

You don’t want to suppress anything, or act it out…. There is a middle ground. (speaking of rage)

Money is energy. What if everyone who has money said, “I’ll help people learn how to feed themselves.” We are not in control — let it be. You can’t hold on to it. (speaking of the stock market)

Joy is holding the world afloat. Be grateful to yourself for the joy you feel. Offer it out to the world.

Sharing the story of Nathaniel and his friends being robbed of everything: food, clothing. He was lamenting about not being able to do anything but was asked what he would do that morning if he had not been robbed and had food and clothing. He said he would eat breakfast and walk on to his destination. He was told, “Well, even with out breakfast, you best walk on.” They were given food and clothing and blankets and a place to lie down by individuals living in a leprosy camp. Those with so little were so generous.

Hello, Darkness, my old friend. The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls….

Acknowledge the emotion. Offer it good will.

I shared an experience I had as I was riding my bike. I saw a man spraying weeds in the cracks in his driveway. I was very aware of the bias about that. Suddenly the weeds I pull in my Zen walkway asked me if I thought it was kinder to pull them up by the roots than it was to have that man spray the poison on the weeds. “Does that mean that you would be in favor of the gas chamber, but not the electric chair, or the electric chair, but not the guillotine?”

Sitting in meditation a little later in the day I recall awareness of comparing and judging mind. A voice begins to tell me about different chemicals having different properties. Asks me to think about being in a chemistry class or having a chemistry set. One chemical produces one result, and another chemical produces another result. It is not at all that one chemical is bad and another chemical is good. Telling me, “From your perspective, you see one result as being more desirable. To think of your seeing one result as being more desirable as wrong is just more comparing mind and judging.”

Aaron responded to my sharing of this experience with such clarity and kindness. “If you set out the ant trap you are not killing the ant, you are giving the ant the free will choice to eat the poison or not.”

This morning as I sit down for meditation, I read the Word for the Day from Gratefulness.org:

One way to open your eyes
is to ask yourself,
“What if I had never
seen this before?
What if I knew I would
never see it again?”

~ Rachel Carson

Sounds very much like walking in wonder as the one in my soul collage!