Transient Global Amnesia

I will surrender to my greatest highest good.
I will release any fear that blocks my way.
For every step I take is taken in pure faith,
And I am stronger every moment every day.

(Lyrics) Morning Prayer, I Surrender by Karen Drucker

In 2012, following the hysterechtomy to remove a 22 cm ovarian mass, I experienced a temporary lack of the normal muscle contractions of the intestines (ileus). Relief did not fully occur until a dear friend did Reiki on me. We laughed that she was able to Reiki the $h!t out of me. To this day, every bowl movement is accompanied by a real-time jolt of joy. It reminds me of a toddler’s excitement at going potty.

Wednesday morning, June 22, 2022, seemed like a normal day. I did some meditation and went for a bike ride. I really was riding as a way of “getting back on the horse” after having taken a tumble on Monday morning. A serious case of road rash on my arm and hand resulted.

After I got back from my ride, I was able to proofread a piece for a friend, and I said goodbye to John as he left for his physical therapy appointment. Very soon after that, I was miraculously able to phone Linda Gunter, saying I had been trying to pay some bills but was feeling very confused.

Medical phobia (a result of womb and childhood trauma) has been a constant companion. My “career” of mind-body work was an outgrowth of seeking and sharing with others tools that gave me relief. I ended up in ER and was admitted to the hospital for a stroke-workup. I am relieved to report that ALL of the tests show no stroke, no brain bleed, no seizure.

The diagnosis: Transient Global Amnesia. A common feature of transient global amnesia includes repetitive questioning, usually of the same question. Mine was, “Did I have a bike accident?”

Tears come to my eyes easily, including as I write this morning. I have about 8 hours of my life I do not have any recall of, but, more importantly, I have a long-lasting sense of relief and gratitude and freedom from fear of medical things.

On Friday morning, June 17, I had done some off-road riding, and because I rode in the opposite direction of my normal route, I came upon a remarkable fawn corpse. Regardless of the obvious fact that the lower body of the fawn had been eaten, the fawn exuded innocence, and beauty, and peace. I have previously shared the photo with a few people. I was so moved, and I knew I would write about it, but I had no idea what else was to come forth.

A doe corpse I saw on my ride Monday morning was the exact opposite of the fawn. The doe had been killed by a car. The stench of fear, terror, anguish hung heavily in the air. Just as was the peace of the fawn corpse, this fear of the doe corpse was “palpable.”

I knew in that instant a profound truth: a fragrance of our life and our death “lingers.”

Transient global amnesia can be caused by a stroke or a seizure, but it can also be a result of stress, anxiety, or high blood pressure. This “Molotov cocktail” has been my poison for so long. The neurologist said you can think of TGA like when a circuit breaker pops, or when your computer system reboots.

My entire life has been plagued by fear. I learned that fear in the womb, then it was amplified at age five when I was treated for polio by being placed in isolation. Never having previously been separated from my mother, that hospitalization was traumatic for both of us. IT WAS THE VERY SAME HOSPITAL I WAS TAKEN TO THIS WEEK.

I recognize and honor the good that has come as a result of all of my life challenges, but I am profoundly grateful of the recent unfolding. My greatest fear had been that I would be a “bad” witness at the time of my death. I yearned to be able to welcome my return to spirit with joy — with the innocence and beauty and peace of the fawn. I know the continuity of consciousness is real. I want to be a way-shower in my death as well as in my life.

According to the information from Mayo Clinic, transient global amnesia has no direct complications. It’s not a risk factor for stroke or epilepsy. It’s possible to have a second episode of transient global amnesia, but it’s extremely rare to have more than two.

After a major stroke took her left brain off-line, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor (My Stroke of Insight) was able to rewire her brain without the fear. Our book club read her book, and, if her story is new to you, you will love her TED talk (which has been viewed over 28 million times). I had the honor of seeing her speak in person a number of years ago. She has certainly taken full advantage of her adversity.

On Wednesday night, in a hilarious Train of Care, John and Linda and Larry left me at the hospital.

The train pulled out leaving me alone, but not afraid. So many people were holding me in prayer and love and light, and I could feel it. During the night, a guy pulled out his IV and I could hear the nurses saying there was blood everywhere. Someone with a trach tube kept having to be suctioned out. I heard people crying out in pain or confusion. Inside of me, I could hear beautiful sounds of love. I played Karen Druker’s Morning Prayer. I softened and felt the peace that passes understanding.

One of the women in my small dharma group shared this:

Debra. I just wanted to share with you that when you were in the hospital, I was sitting and sending you energy and support, and I had one of the more powerful experiences I’ve had of being filled with energy, light and love, feeling it move through my body as a vessel toward you, surrounding you in love. . . I do wonder if all sitting in prayer that way, we joined together in that 5th dimensional healing, of sangha. With love, Lisa

(Worth mentioning is how having just gone through a stroke work-up with John two months ago, my experience was less “unknown” and I know that supported this miracle of release of fear. One friend said she could see it as a “sacred contract” he and I came in to this life with. It certainly is sacred.)

Every time I recall something mundane, such as when John could not remember the name of a child who came to music on Thursday evening. I told him her name is Sophie and I got an immediate jolt of joy!

Terror Gone Away… I think that is how I will remember this TGA.