The Time That is Given Us

Three weeks ago today John and I were babysitting with Jackson, our 8-month-old great-grandson, while his mom worked (from G-Ma’s house).

That evening we got to see the barn on the property at Bradyville. Soooooo happy for Brad and Christina!

Three weeks feels like a lifetime.

John received the Monoclonal Antibody Therapy (mAb) infusion on Friday, September 3. That went well.

Two days after the infusion, I discovered John had spent the night in anxiety. He was still in a state of sheer panic that morning. We did everything we could think of to shift his state: EFT, tapping; Self-Havening; icy-gel mask, sucking on a lozenge; acupressure. Nothing really alleviated the shortness of breath, panic-feeling.

John was exhausted. He could not sleep, unable even to lie down.

By early evening, I reached out to my Dharma Sister, Doctor friend and she and her husband (also a physician) concurred that his symptoms were impossible to evaluate without labs, a chest x-ray, and an EKG. It was a holiday weekend. No office hours until Tuesday. Their suggestion was to get him to ER immediately.

I said, “OK. I will take him.”

“No!!! YOU cannot take him. It is not safe for you or for the others for you to be in a waiting room,” she text-shouted at me.

I called Linda and said, “I need you or Larry to take John to ER.”

Within minutes, Larry had John in the vehicle headed to the hospital.

Words do not describe the waiting. And the worry…. Thankfully, Larry kept Linda updated, and Linda kept me updated.

My sister, Janis, and my brother-in-love, Larry, drove over and sat in their car in my driveway while I sat on the front porch, both of us masked, just so I did not have to wait alone. When the mosquitos began to bite, they headed home. By that time, information began to be posted on John’s electronic chart.

Linda and I were seeing the test results, real time, and what we were seeing was very encouraging.

The infusion (mAb) can cause heart palpitations. We will never know for sure if that is what triggered the anxiety, but John really suffered with it.

The following afternoon, we got an even bigger shock. John’s sister-in-love, Jeanne, had found his brother, Jerry, on the floor in severe pain when she returned from the store. Jerry was being taken to the hospital!!!!

News was slow to come in.

We learned that Jerry had suffered an abdominal aortic aneurysm.

Jerry was going in for a 6-hour surgery!!!

We later found out that most people would not have lived to get into surgery, much less survived the procedure. The next 72 hours would tell the story.

We were grateful Jerry had been able to speak with Jeanne, their daughter, Lisa, and Lisa’s husband, Terry. He assured them he was not afraid. Jerry told them if he did not make it he would wake up and see their son Scott, (who passed 14 years ago). If he made it, he would wake up and see them. “Either way, I will be happy,” what a gift his words were to them.

The Covid-related anxiety already wrenching within his body coupled with the immense shock and grief and uncertainty about his brother, was a perfect storm….John was inconsolable during this time.

The next day when we had a telehealth follow-up from the ER visit, the doctor suggested a short-term use of Valium to help John get some rest and begin to recover. That was such a blessing….

As my stress level went up through this, I also had set-back after set-back. My temperature would spike. My breathing was short. I was weak. Neither of us were resting, and both of us were worried about ourselves, about Jerry, and also wondering, “Will we be able to get to Tennessee for Courtney’s wedding?” I am scheduled to officiate that wedding on Saturday!

But gifts come with every adversity.

On Sunday morning, while John was debilitated with the anxiety, he would cry and tell me over-and-over how sorry he was that he had never understood what I had to live with. He said he understood now why I was so stringent on mask-wearing and social-distancing. He can now clearly see why I did not want to get or give Covid.

As Larry sat at ER with John, I worried about both of them. And Linda…. and anyone else should Larry get exposure from John or from someone else at the ER.

Worry has been a life-long companion.

I had a long conversation with a friend this morning. She has hated watching me go through this. She admitted to me that she has been mad at my daughter and granddaughter, holding them responsible for my getting Covid and suffering. I reminded her that resentment is like eating rat poison expecting the rat to die.

Maybe it would be smart for every home to have a home antigen test on hand. Maybe it would be kind to recognize that each person I am with unmasked is being exposed to every person I have been with unmasked, and every person each of those persons have been with unmasked.

We are going to Tennessee for our granddaughter’s wedding. Do I wish they would require masks? Yes. Am I concerned about those attending who are not vaccinated? Yes.

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.

“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

~ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

On Sunday, I shared with a small congregation. John and myself, plus 11 others. We were not masked. Sitting in a circle for an hour.

Was that smart? Was it kind?

I wonder about that.

You see, I was born into anxiety. I experienced womb trauma when my mom simultaneously discovered she was pregnant with me and had syphilis. My mom’s emotions of shame, anger, humiliation and concern about the treatment affecting me were my emotional blueprint for life. Diagnosed with and hospitalization for polio when I was five-years-old, I was placed in isolation, unable to even have my mom touch me. She came and stood on the other side of the glass. Tears streaming down my face, spindly little legs, scrawny little arms. I had never been away from my mom even one day of my life prior to that. It was very traumatic….

I know how trauma leads to amygdala hijacking. Fortunately, I have found ways to mitigate a compromised central nervous system. That, essentially, has become my life’s work.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.