By Debra Basham, on February 17, 2013
There are two ways to be fooled.
One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.
Søren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
Several years ago, I wrapped up my two year-old grandson, Adam, and carried him outside to see an amazing starry sky. As he looked up into that vast night sky, he said only one word—D-A-R-K. As magnificent as those stars were that night, and even thought at the time I did not realize it, he must have not been able to comprehend the stars. All he experienced was darkness.
Today I have been reading Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife, by Eben Alexander, M.D. I cannot say the information is new to me, but the words have certainly been soothing to my soul. A line from the book inspired this blog. “Imagine how limited our view of the universe would be if we never saw the star-spangled nighttime sky.” (p. 72)
I find my emotions jarred, once again a nagging wondering about what I have done to cause stress in relationship with someone I care deeply about. In the absence of an understanding, I am left to imagine all manner of possibilities. One difference this time is a haunting sense that there is some profound healing gift amidst the emotions—an unwinding of a pattern deep from within my unconscious.
I am writing a lot while I am here on Pine Island. I am also discovering an identity as a writer. After I read some of my work to my sister, Janis, I cried and said, “I think I finally know who I am!” Earlier this week I read How to Work with an Illustratorin which Cary Tennis says the creative process can trigger unresolved inner child issues. It makes sense, but I had not previously put the two together.
One of the threads of Proof of Heaven touched me deeply. Eben had been adopted because his birth mom had only been 16 when he was born, just a sophomore in high school. This is exactly the age and grade I was when my daughter, Stacey, was born.
In spite of his happy life with his adoptive family, Eben also felt a nagging to know what had become of his biological parents. An adult with children of his own, he discovered his biological mother and father had later married and then had several children so he had blood siblings!
After he was adopted, his adoptive parents conceived and had a daughter they named Betsy. Imagine his surprise that one of his biological sisters was also named Betsy. Incidentally, both women married men named Rob, but I will not give the rest of the story away because you might enjoy reading the book.
The coincidence of the girls named Betsy touched me partially because we recently discovered my father had an older sister named Mary Ellen who died before he was five years old, and we had a sister who was born prematurely and only lived five days. My sister had been named Mary Ellen…. Now we wonder if my folks named our baby sister after my dad’s own sister who had died.
While in a deep coma for six days, Eben Alexander says he went to heaven where he learned profound truths that changed his life. I will let you be the judge of how much they change life, but here are a few of those “truths” that resonated with me:
“You are loved and cherished, dearly, forever.”
“You have nothing to fear.”
“There is nothing you can do wrong.” (p. 41)
Ultimately, none of us are orphans. We are all in the position I was, in that we have other family: beings who are watching and looking out for us—beings we have momentarily forgotten but who, if we open ourselves to their presence, are waiting to help us navigate our time here on earth. None of us are ever unloved. Each and every one of us is deeply known and cared for by a Creator who cherishes us beyond any ability we have to comprehend.(p. 96)
I may still be waiting to have those truths completely chase the ghosts of fear of abandonment from my thoughts and feelings as I find my place in the world as a writer. For sure I have already been drawing comfort from an increasing sense of angels as guides, and so for now I will take these words from the book into my heart and mind.
Meanwhile, it is my prayer that angels will be enough to have me wait patiently for my dear friend to navigate the deep emotional waters of life. Of course angels are helping with that, too…
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| Visions of Sharon, painting by my dear friend, Dahlis Roy. |
By Debra Basham, on February 10, 2013
The house is quiet and this morning I find myself gratefully curled up with a book. Physically confined to a love seat, my legs wind themselves beneath me willingly. After the bustle of some family visiting, today I love hearing only my own thoughts sprinkled into the gentle sounds of wind, the distant calls of birds, and the predictable motor of the fridge.
What is this longing for solitude? Perhaps we know instinctively we must slip away from the crowds and find that sacred space within your own heart.
In the afternoon, I have the luxury of a ride on my bicycle. I have no one to meet, no destination demanding my arrival. I am in no hurry. The pavement becomes my playground and I say a quick prayer as tiny lizards run for their lives.
Beneath my helmet, my thinking mind is watching for some of my favorites: hawk, eagle, and sunshine. Today I feel as though I have hit the Mother Nature Lode. I see two hawks—their tenuous privacy disturbed by my unanticipated arrival treats me to a thrill as I pause and become silent witness to their flight.
Standing there with my bike between my legs I remember a line I wrote to go with some nature photos: The innocence of your authenticity touches my soul. It is so true. Nature reminds us who we really are.
Thich Nhat Hanh said “Feelings, whether of compassion or irritation, should be welcomed, recognized, and treated on an absolutely equal basis; because both are ourselves. The tangerine I am eating is me. The mustard greens I am planting are me. I plant with all my heart and mind. I clean this teapot with the kind of attention I would have were I giving the baby Buddha or Jesus a bath. Nothing should be treated more carefully than anything else. In mindfulness, compassion, irritation, mustard green plant, and teapot are all sacred.”
Oh, were it true that I welcome all with mindfulness! Far too often I am to be found dancing the jig with all the logical reasons this is inferior or superior to that. At those times, I may be looking with my eyes and listening with my ears but my heart must be on vacation.
But here, now, I stop my ride and welcome a loss of self-centeredness that occurs easily looking up into this tree and seeing this eagle.
Eagle posing against that blue sky—seeing nature in it’s innocence—my thinking mind slows down enough for me to feel my own. I mean really feel it….
What happened to the ghostly (and ghastly) ruminations of “she said this” and “he did that” which had been robbing me of peace of mind just this morning? Where did the worry of daily life go? Has all I needed to do been suddenly done?
I could feel my own heart beating in my chest. I noticed the sun warming my skin. I gave thanks for the gentle breeze helping to keep me cool.
Something happens when you are fully present to your own life. You are bathing the baby Jesus. You are serving the Buddha tea.
Present to your own life, you are the sky, the tree—and for this moment in time—truly free.
By Debra Basham, on January 30, 2013
As I was riding my bike around Saint James City, here on Pine Island, in South Florida, the sky was so blue it almost hurt my eyes. I started thinking about the idea that what we see is not “real” but there is a reason why things appear the way they do.
For example, the reason the sky looks so blue is because as light move through the atmosphere, very little of the red, orange, and yellow light (longer wavelengths) is affected by it. Much more of the light with shorter wavelengths is absorbed by the gas molecules. Thus, blue light fills the sky, and some of it reaches my eyes, and the sky looks blue.
As I was riding and having these profound scientific ponderings, I began to hear a little jingle in my head. “If the sky is not blue, then who am I, and what are you?” I went automatically to a book I have written that is not yet been published.
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| This drawing is by Meredith Bede Aldrich. |
Where Moon Go?
A look at
life and death
and other natural things
through a child’s eyes…
Did you ever wonder where someone
goes when he or she dies?
I did.
When my Daddy died, I wanted to know where he was and if
he was OK where he was.
I wanted to know what was REAL….
At first I did not know what it meant when I would hear a voice talking to me from inside my head as the moon slid behind a cloud or a tree or a building.
I would hear.
“Where am I now?
It looks like I am gone,
but I am here….”
Even when what is real is very, very big
—like the moon—
false beliefs can be hard to change.
But where do people go when they die?
Adam said,
“It is like I am me and
I am inside this house.
(He pointed to his chest when he said this.)
When I die,
I leave the house
(He pointed to his chest again.)
but I am still me.”
But what is he?
And what am I?
And where do people go when they die?
Every living thing is made up of atoms.
(Not Adam!)
And energy cannot be created or destroyed.
If you’re asking where it all came from in the first place,
that’s a first class unanswered question.
Brad said when people die they live inside your heart.
It is like you can really talk to them inside your mind.
Go ahead. Ask a question.
And you will see that it is just like they really can answer you.
So, even though we might not know for sure where people go when they die, you can know for sure that part of them is right here where you are.
Because the moon has not gone anywhere.
It is still right where it was.
Even when we cannot see it.
The End
And
A New Beginning
By Debra Basham, on January 29, 2013
A long time ago (1930’s), in a land far, far away (radio), a crime-fighting vigilante with supernatural abilities entertained us so profoundly that “The Shadow” made its way from radio to comic books, television, movies, and video games. Many of us are familiar with Orson Welles voice booming “Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!”
Since I was a kid I have been fascinated by the nature of shadow. First of all, there can be no shadow without light. In fact, shadow can be said to be the symptom or evidence oflight. For the very best shadows, you need a place that is r-e-a-l-l-y dark. My favorite as a kid was the closet underneath the stairs. It is pitch black in there, and even kids have to scrunch down to fit. The childhood game I played was to use a flashlight, and with just a wee bit of your imagination, you can see the likes of rabbits and ducks and various other creatures come to life.
As much fun as that shadow game was, shadow work as spiritual practice has not been something I have enjoyed. One might say at times I have been in downright resistance. I recognize the phenomenon known as “The dark night of the soul.” I understand the value of looking at the hidden places in our lives. I acknowledge that I have willingly been doing this, but I have not always loved the emotional journey.
It truly is paradise here on Pine Island in South Florida, but this is the second evening in a row that I find myself wanting to cry. I don’t know where the emotion is coming from or even what I would name it, were I inclined to try. The best I seem to be able to do is to honor that I am feeling it. OK, it might be hormones since the doctor told John I might experience menopause again. Gosh, and I was thinking I was done with that.
Perhaps that is part of the opportunity here. I can see these emotions as evidence of a younger me!
When you have faith that you are on the spiritual path,
then the immediate circumstances in life are less anxiety-producing,
and relationships can be built and also dismantled with less pain and trauma.
~ Angelic Messenger Cards, by Meredith L. Young-Sowers
When I did some asking about the emotions, the insight had to do with my spiritual path and service to the world and putting aside ego-mind. All of these are ideas I agree fully with but it would be great to have a sense of what specifically that means in my life right now. The emotions have a vague familiarity, like the homesickness I used to experience as a kid on overnights. All day long I would be fine, but when the sun went down I wanted to be home. I guess it is possible I am homesick since I am away from home. In fact, I have been away from home for almost a month and I am not due back in Michigan until April 1.
I wonder, though, if this is more shadow work. I am thinking it might be related to having time on my hands. When I feel sad, it would be great to have a sense of what the thoughts or beliefs are that had been fueling the emotions. Oh, for some people it is easy to read or watch TV or spend time on the internet as a distraction. It is not quite as easy to sit in stillness and let the answers find you.
I have sometimes been accused of being too serious. I have been known to agree with that assessment, but even that is just more condemnation of the accusation. What shines the light of day on this darkness of my thought life? Here is a writing from Sunday January 26, 1998:
Greetings:
The time of knowing is here. You no longer have to wait. By the knowing you come to the work you were born to be. Do not confuse these. You can not any longer be content to “do” the work – you must now “be” the work; my word to you is rest. This is not a call to unproductive lives. This is an invitation to peace, my perfect peace, while you are engaged in all that I call you to. Do not run out ahead of me. This is what causes you to despair. Do not delay in going when I have asked you to go. Listen to me. Incline your ear only to my voice. Listen no longer to the insane voices that would tell you you are a sinner or weak or lacking. Hear only the truth. You are whole as I am whole. You are free as I am free. You are capable as I am capable. You are because I AM. Tell all who know.
Who knew it could bring such joy, sitting in the dark… When you join the game of life worries are able to dance on the wall as creatures born with the soul/sole purpose of entertaining my busy mind. First make it larger, now smaller; give it an ear; turn the light off and make it all go away.
So here I am awake in the middle of the night. And in my mind’s ear I am singing, “I am so blessed, I am so blessed, I am so grateful for all that I have….” Thank you, Karen Drucker, for providing accompaniment to tonight’s performance of “Only The Shadow Knows.”
By Debra Basham, on January 23, 2013
“You are older at this moment than you’ve ever been before,
and it’s the youngest you’re ever going to get.
The mortality rate is holding at a scandalous 100 percent.”
This quotation from the article “You Are Going to Die” by Tim Kreider is the first deep thought that I have on the early morning of my 63rd birthday. This deep thought sits in my mind like a wedge of fresh lemon sits on the tongue. It is still early enough to be dark as I am considering my own mortality in the screen room alongside the canal here in St. James City, Florida on this beloved Pine Island. At this moment I am hypersensitive to the sounds trickling in from outside: a few early birds, the splash of mullets jumping, some distant vehicles, and a faint Grandfather’s clock chiming the hour. There’s something both refreshing and painful about the truth of my mortality and I now hear Seals and Crofts singing in my head: “we may never pass this way again….”
Is 63 years too young to think of death? What about 70? I don’t remember at what age my father began to say, “This may be my last Christmas…” but when my mother-in-law now says, “When I’m gone” my husband usually responds by asking her where she’s going.
The truth is we’re all going, and we don’t consciously know when, where, and how. Born-again Christians focus on the where, preparing for the hereafter by accepting Jesus so they can be sure they are going to go to Heaven not Hell.
Whatever your beliefs, there is an inevitability to the movement of time. Many of the common metaphors around time are similar to the metaphors we often use for money. We talk about spending time and that it is important how we invest it. Perhaps at a deep level we do recognize that the moments of our lives are invaluable.
Angeles Arrien, cross cultural anthropologist and author of The Four Fold Way, asks us to ponder what we want to do with this one wild, precious, thing called LIFE.
Eight weeks ago yesterday I went into surgery not knowing for sure how things would play now. Although I continue on my healing journey, which has included overcoming some of the postsurgical complications, the prognosis for my living a long and happy life is good. We are all very thankful for that….
Betty Lue Lieber wrote in her Loving Reminders, “When we validate other’s illnesses, we increase our own likelihood of the same. We are all living out the thoughts and beliefs of those with whom we associate and agree with. Your experience was not yours personally.”
If she is right and it is true that we are all living out the thoughts and beliefs of those with whom we associate and agree with, inside, what am I thinking and believing and how do I feel? Young? Old? Middle-aged? This morning, sitting here, witnessing dawn revealing the canal to my still-somewhat-drowsy eyes, the truth is I feel as though I am ageless. This morning, drunk with the elixir of another tropical dawn, the idea that I am older at this moment than I’ve ever been before, and the youngest I’m ever going to get has my heart soaring with glee.
I’ve spent the last four days keeping up with 14-year-old granddaughter, Courtney. We have been hiking, biking, kayaking, drumming, driving, and drinking and eating all over these islands. We’ve enjoyed close encounters with nature including Eagle, Manatee, and this Dolphin checking Courtney out in the photo below. We have been making memories. 
I remember when my own mother was aging, hearing her express regret and remorse that she had wasted her life. I think now about her legacy, of which I am an intimate part. I think about my own beloved daughter, Courtney’s mom, Stacey. And I think about the possibility of yet-unborn-great-grandchildren in the future.
But more importantly than what has been or what might yet come to be, at this moment I treasure that my heart is beating in my chest. I am humbled to have eyes to see the darkness, the dimness of dawn, the brilliance of the noon-day sun, and the shadow of eventide. I’m grateful that at most moments, on most days I seem to be in my right mind. I am grateful to choose to be alive!
And today this poem represents my birthday wishes to me:
What a day this is; my empty slate
on which each thought creates my experience
If I hold hatred, I experience that
As I embrace love, I witness the same
Breathe
Release
Remember
Revere
There is much more sweetness than cake
There is much more sour than lemon
There is much more death than body
There is much more life than physical
Today you can hoist your sail and face the wind
The breeze can be trusted to blow
This message from my beloved sister, Janis:
Happy birthday, my gosh….. You were such a darling baby and little girl who has grown into an amazing and beautiful woman. So blessed to have known you your entire life. Have a fabulous day. I love you!!!!
This message from my beloved sister, Johnnie Sue:
A moment I remember with Daddy for you is the day you and Dad were in the accident. When I walked into the bedroom where he was lying,I asked how he was. With tears in his eyes he said,”I am OK but ‘diba dab…’ and he could not go on. He loved you very much and so do I…
I will close with a quotation by Victor Hugo, “Thesupreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself.” This is a very comforting message for this anniversary day of my birth. How can it get any better than this?
By Debra Basham, on January 14, 2013
May I forgive myself for mistakes made and things left undone.
“Encountering Grief: A 10-Minute Guided Meditation”
with Zen Abbot, Joan Halifax
When I was on Pine Island last winter, I purchased a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that featured the area. It had been produced by the Chamber of Commerce, and was sold in the featured businesses. Just a couple of days before I arrived, an arsonist set a fire that totally destroyed the offices of the Chamber, and the inventory of the puzzles. The ones that were already in stores were the only copies of the puzzle, so when I saw one for sale at a favorite shop (Earth and Spirit Garden Gallery), I purchased mine.
The puzzle when home with me unopened, and returned back to Pine Island with me still in the box. Given that I am still recovering from surgery in November, I decided having the puzzle to work on would be a good recovery tool. I was not prepared for the lessons that working toward completion on a 1,000 piece puzzle might present, but I am certainly thankful.
The title of this blog might have been, “All I Really Needed to Know I Learned Putting Together the Pine Island Puzzle.”
I learned that it is good to have a very big table if you are working on a puzzle that is 2 feet wide and 30 inches tall. When I first laid out all the pieces, the entire dining table was covered. Our meals were eaten at the breakfast bar in the kitchen or on TV trays in the screen room. In some ways, this reminded me of how much of my life was affected by my recent healing journey. The process leading up to the surgery, the surgery itself, the post-surgical complications, the recovery…. Any single aspect could have had a significant impact on my schedule, and with all the pieces spread out, it feels a bit like November and December 2012 did not exist for me. But, like the Pine Island puzzle, you can only take one step at a time.
Separate all the straight-edged pieces so you can assemble the border. Think about doing this process with 1,000 pieces. Some days this is what life feels like. It can be a bit overwhelming, even when you are clear that you can only do what you can do at any given moment.
After the border was assembled, I decided to work on the next layer inward. There was lots of detail in that, so it was easier to see what went where. Sometimes our choices are so obvious, they are sometimes called “a no-brainer.” I was surprised how obsessed I became working on the puzzle. It was as though it was my job to finish it, and I guess that is true since I was the only one working on it.
Once in a while I would get stumped and give John the “job” of helping me find a certain piece in the image on the box. After a few days of that, he went to the flea market and bought me a set of magnifying glasses….
I discovered that the daytime light was best, but it seemed such a waste of sunny weather to be in the house putting together a puzzle. We do sometimes find ourselves stuck somewhere in our minds rather than enjoying the experiences of our lives. To remedy this, I would use some time in the morning when the light was good and John was still sleeping to sort for finer distinctions.
General colors would go together. Then within that color I would put the shorter and taller and fatter and thinner “H” shaped pieces in an area for each according to color and size. Once John was up and had coffee and breakfast, we would go for our bike ride. As the puzzle was coming together, my healing seemed to be doing the same. I am thrilled at how much stronger I am in just one week!
After the outer and inner borders were in place, I would put focused attention on an area where several pieces came together. Most of the task was visual, but it demanded paying attention to details. I have noticed that amplified awareness about what I eat or what I think or how I sit or breathe. It is really a gift to allow everything in life to be welcomed as spiritual practice.
For example, I notice how I think about trash I see around the island. Rather than be critical about who was careless or even malicious, I notice what a sense of honor I have at cleaning it up (even though I know I was not the one who left the mess). Regardless of the specific situation, and even if we are talking about emotional messes, this can be done without a sense of obligation (been shouldin’ on myself for too long).You can bring beauty where you are. You can contribute to the world. You can leave things better than you found them.
As I worked on the Pine Island puzzle, teachings I have heard seeped into my bones. I was putting the pieces of my own heart and mind and body together! The puzzle became for me a living metaphor, and I allowed images of my jigsaw belly to come together along with the images of the jigsaw puzzle.
As the last pieces were coming together, I was sharing via text with my sister, Janis. We were taking about the way our lives really are getting easier. For us, the joy of the natural world is a big part of the healing. Her cat is Dusana. I have wonderful cats in my life in Michigan, too, and here on the island I visit two cats. I visit Sonny at the auto shop, and Hector at the ice cream parlor. I go see these cats just because I love petting kitties and these two kitties love the attention. Sonny forgets to swallow and slobbers! Hector is very at home with himself and sleeps soundly even with crowds of customers around him. It is very sweet and loving them just feels purrfect, if you know what I mean….
When I had only twelve pieces left (who is counting?) to completion, John came in to help. I could have been resentful thinking about how overwhelming it was when there were 1,000 pieces to sort, but I was aware of him choosing to share the joy with me. It turned into a bit of a coaching session, with my sharing aloud how I use the visual strategy to spot the piece to go into the section I am working on. “It will be taller, or shorter, fatter or thinner….” I felt myself slide into the ease you experience when you know you do not have to do it all yourself. I enjoyed having him enjoy being able to see what would go where. It was a surprise and a pleasure, and rather Zen.
He gave me the privilege of putting in the last piece, which was quite special as it was a piece that had been searched for over and over and over, seemingly without success. The missing piece was right in the middle, right at the top, of the puzzle. This was a very obvious piece, one that was within the “inner” border. When I was down to only seven pieces, I counted the open section to see if there was one for up there. You never know for sure if a piece is missing.
The mystery of the last piece of the puzzle is still with my heart and soul this evening. My own inner journey of healing is not complete just because the Pine Island puzzle is finished.
Completion is a state of constant process. You are always complete and yet always evolving. As Abraham-Hicks has said, “You can’t get it wrong, because you can’t get it done.” I am very thankful for this truth. It lets you go to bed at night and sleep and dream well. Life will have another puzzle for us to live tomorrow. Life is not a puzzle where there is a last piece to be put in place. Life’s puzzle is itself a living matrix.
By Debra Basham, on January 6, 2013
My sister, Janis, has been working with some wonderful old photos of our family. This comes, in part, by the recent awareness we have that our paternal grandmother is of Native American decent. My sister has been very drawn to that spiritual path, and, of course, I have been blessed to enjoy it as part of my own interfaith journey. The interesting news of our grandmother comes from an older cousin who reported that she was “found” as a child, and raised by a family. He said that while everyone knew she was “an Indian” no one ever said a word about it or about where she came from.
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| My paternal grandmother, Mary Smith, with her husband, Dove, and four of their children. |
As I was pondering hiding in plain view as part of our family history, Mark Nepo’s sharing of a quotation by Angeles Arrien touched me to my core:
My grandmother told me, “Never hide your green hair—They can see it anyway.”
I started thinking about all the things that have been hidden. My mom had been married before she was married to my dad, but I did not know of that until after I was already married myself. My mom and my mother-in-law were sitting at the table having a cup of coffee when my mother-in-law casually said, “Cathryn, I know Howard was married before and had a daughter by that marriage, but were you married previously?” Imagine my surprise to hear my mom respond that she had been married once, briefly, but that marriage had been annulled.
As I sit and witness my belly continuing to heal from the surgery to remove a 21 cm tumor that had formed on my left ovary, it makes me curious how much other stuff is hiding in plain view and what freedom can be experienced when we move beyond the fears that come from (and might just possibly cause) hiding.
Mark Nepo (The Book of Awakening, January 5) hits the nail on the head when he writes that blackmail is only possible if we believe we have something to hide. In my life, much of the guilt and hiding has been around sexuality. The most obvious of this was having become pregnant before my sixteenth birthday. As the years unfolded, that event resulted in the birth of our wonderful daughter (the mother of my amazing grandchildren). It has all been a blessing in my life, but at the time there was much pain around the experience given the influence of patriarchy in our world.
I lived with the shame of “having to get married” and then the shame of being a high-school dropout because married females were not allowed to attend school. Married males were… but a married woman was sexually active and would be a bad influence on the other girls.
Times have changed since 1966, but I wonder how much we have changed, and more importantly, I wonder how much I have changed.
Mark’s closing words in that writing: “The inner corollary of this is that worthless feelings arise when we believe, however briefly, that who we are is not enough.”
It is my sincere intention that I have allowed my body to be free from the burden of having hidden sexual guilt. As I prepared for my surgery, I knew you can have other “stuff” removed. My own life, my mother’s life, and my paternal grandmother’s lives had been full of secrets. I was fully aware my own healing was able to reach back in time and make all the adjustments to allow for moving forward free from all of that.
(Here is an article about female sexuality on a global scale, as it relates to patriarchy.)
By Debra Basham, on January 1, 2013
This is a day I was not sure I would experience. That may sound strange to some, but it has a very deep core of meaning for me. In October of 1999, I was at a workshop where one of the exercises was to look ahead in time and see the end of your timeline. When I did that, mine ended in 2012. The guy who was leading that workshop was a bit shocked, since I would only be 62 years old at that time, and he suggested I “go in and change the date.”
I am not at all sure what I was thinking about freedom of choice and the nature of life as being malleable, but I refused to change things, saying I would live out my destiny.
From time to time, I admit that I have thought about that, but in early October when I discovered a mass in my abdomen, I began to experience pretty intense stress around all of that. I did not feel ready to die and I even told a good friend I was not organized enough for my life to end!
This morning, looking at my journal entry for Sunday, November 11, 2012, the day before I had the CT scan showing that the mass was on the left ovary, I read this note from Mark Nepo’s The Book of Awakening: crises reveals the raw surface of the mind.
Later that morning I saw Leah. I am so thankful to have a skilled acupuncturist who is also a Chinese medicine doctor. After a complete evaluation, she said, “No cancer.” She did find a blockage in the urethra area, as well as in the intestine. She felt it was good that I was having the CT scan so I would have more information.
In the afternoon, Nancy and I went to the peace path that is co-sponsored by our Saint Joseph Sangha and is at St. Anthony’s. What a wonderful, soulful place. I was touched by the commitment of those souls to justice and peace. What legacy they brought to our world, such as Aung San Suu Kyl, a Buddhist woman who has worked tirelessly to bring democracy to Burma, or Sophia Magdalena Scholl, who was executed for her anti-Nazi efforts.
On Monday, November 12, 2012, I made a note from Neale Donald Walsh’s thought for the day: The bad news does not have to get you down. It can actually get you going. Now may be a wonderful time to get back to basics, like board games with your children, quiet talks with your friends, a moment of gentleness with your spouse.
I also made mention that I observed in my body that the pain of emotionally grasping at/for love and connection feels just like the pain of fear and rejection! This insight seemed very significant, and as I had the thought I also heard a rapping that my sister Janis first referred to as a “Ceiling Walker”!
Mark Nepo’s words from the reading for that day were sharp as an arrow: “The world as we know it must be broken so that we can be born anew. Almost dying was another shell I had to break.”
Mary Jo suggested I look back 10 years ago to see what I was dealing with at the soul level. In my journal entry from November 13, 2002, I was writing about clearing my death wish!
I hade been noticing the relevance at those times when the voice-to-text function would not catch things the way I had spoken them. My pet name for the happenings is to call it a Sirism, for Siri, the technical name for the iPhone function. I wrote down this one:
SIRISM
I can appreciate anything
I can create anything
Nepo again seems to be written along the trajectory of my own healing journey: “When we marry our humanness to our spirit, we create a life that is doubly strong in the world…. Means staying committed to your inner path.”
The cystoscopy showed a healthy bladder with a huge growth pushing into it. I went right from Dr. Stockton’s office in Saint Joseph to South Bend to see Dr. Michael Method. On the way I sent a text to my sister, Janis. She knew of Dr. Method, spoke very highly of him, and even told me she had a coworker who had a 9 pound benign tumor removed!
We went to a favorite oriental restaurant with Nancy before driving home. The fortune in my cookie: Your future is whatever you make of it, so make it a good one. It was certainly not smooth sailing. I wrote in my journal: Heart is racing now. Feet cold. Wondering if it was foolish to wait.
Asking what is real about the timing, I drew Tree of Life: Seek a greater understanding of his or her karmic circumstances and conditions. Careful consideration and observations give you the chance to set your karmic record straight. I make my decisions from a place of hope and faith. Reading from Louise Hay on tumor: I lovingly release the past and turn my attention to this new day. All is well.
An entry on Wednesday, November 14, 2012, speaks to the way the unconscious mind is playing out at the soul level:
Yesterday when I was on the table waiting for the cystoscopy, I had the sense of my dad’s spirit coming to me to apologize for his role in my having to go through this. It was about him having brought syphilis to me at the time of my conception. Later that day John said he saw my dad in me a couple of times. One of the times was at the restaurant with Nancy after we left Dr. Method’s office. I asked John to share those observations rather than wait for me to ask.My nephew took this photo of my dad years ago….
It was interesting that the key word for that day (Day 10 of the Deepak Chopra meditation) was on Karma. I made this note from Chopra’s writing: Today I make great choices because they are made with full awareness.
It is a new year. I am alive. In a note to Betty Lue earlier this morning, I shared that during the night last night I was very aware of the two voices: Inner coach or inner critic. Those voices create the world we live in! The thinker thinks, and the prover proves. I was with Betty Lue the first time I became aware of that inner critic. I had spilled a glass on her white carpeting in their condo at Parkview Hills. I heard a sarcastic tone inside say, “Grace.” I remember turning around inside my mind and challenging that voice by saying that even graceful people can have an accident and spill something and I would not tolerate being spoken to that way. Freedom, for each of us, begins with the smallest of steps away from anything that would keep us bound.
The wall hanging in Stacey’s bathroom has a great quotation on it about how life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. So today as I wish you a Happy New Year, it almost takes my breath away simply that I am in body and I am able to share this time with you here on planet earth.
By Debra Basham, on December 31, 2012
I went to hear Rev. Jim McConnell speak this morning because I knew the theme was bleak midwinter or the season of our discontent. I knew this would be relevant to me as I have sometimes felt less than patient as I recuperate surgery. Especially with the tasks of readying for our departure, I have wanted to be more productive than I am capable of being right now.
Jim shared about having taking courses in soil in college and about the value of letting the fields lie fallow. Farmers used to routinely do this. Far from being a wasted season, leaving the soil unseeded after being ploughed and harrowed is the appropriate action to create greater fertility. In fact, the term even applies to ideas, as an idea or state of mind that is undeveloped or inactive is ripe with potentiality.
Jim said LIFE will ask you to answer the big questions for yourself. He said it will not be something you read in a book, or something a teacher or preacher or philosopher tells you. The answer is not something you can figure out or calculate. It is something that you become aware of.He said the answer will always come if you are willing to wait for it.
He shared some great stories of the faithfulness of seeking and finding. He also shared the story of Jonah. Most people think of that story as Jonah and the Whale, but after hearing Jim today, I will forever think of it as Jonah and the Worm.
You see, God told Jonah to go to the city of Nineveh, a city full of wickedness. Jonah was to give them a warning. Hmmm…. Rather than follow God’s command, as the story is written, Jonah set sail in the opposite direction. Although I have never been to Niveveh, I certainly have had my share of rebelling against the guidance I had to move in a certain direction.
Well, as luck would have it, a huge storm came up and Jonah’s companions recognize that this is no ordinary storm. The sailors are said to have cast lots to determine “whose god is responsible.” The lot fell on Jonah and they heaved him overboard!
Most folks who grew up with familiarity with the Judeo Christian myths remember that Jonah spends three days in the belly of the fish, gets barfed out onto the shore, and has the change of heart that he best get to Nineveh to share that warning, which he did. After giving the warning, expecting the destruction within the 40 days, Jonah leaves the city, but stays close. He finds a shade plant and is content to wait to see the action.
Now enter the worm….
The way the story is told, God causes a worm to bite the plant’s root and it withers. Without its shade, Jonah becomes very uncomfortable, and he grieves the death of the plant. He wants to die to be out of his misery. The lesson is one of compassion—for the people of Nineveh and for Jonah.
As I continue my healing journey in the Florida sunshine, this is my sacred intention: I will have compassion for myself and welcome this time to lie fallow. I will rest. I will enjoy nature. Spring will come, and with it, new life will grow in the fertile soil of my life.
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| A beautiful view from the deck… |
By Debra Basham, on December 20, 2012
Last night a good friend, Laurel Izard, called to share what she received in her reading for me. The first thing that came through was my Paternal Grandmother. I did not know my father’s mother, but I remember being at the home of my cousin, Eddie McDaniel, and having him show me a photo of her. I was shocked that she looked like a Native American. Ed said no one talked about it, but that she did have Indian blood.
Laurel’s sense was that my Great Grandmother wanted to connect with me.
Another image that came through for Laurel was Woody woodpecker, which she interpreted as trickster energy around me. I certainly been aware of that!
Today’s reading, in The Book of Awakening, by Mark Nepo, “As a child I would talk to things—birds that flew overhead, trees that swayed slowly in the night, even stones drying in the sun.”
Remembering the conversation with Laurel and now reading Mark’s words, I find this all very interesting. I woke up this morning having a profound sense of the nonphysical support that has been with me in my recovery. I decided to give names for to my companions: Grace and Ease!
I have been completely aware that asking for support on a continual basis allows me to move with less discomfort, allows me to feel better physically, and even enables me to experience a greater sense of emotional stability. Even ordinarily very simple or mundane tasks: rolling over in bed; getting into or out of bed; sitting down on or getting up from the toilet; or picking up something I dropped–each of these is made significantly more or less difficult, by my forgetting to or remembering to ask for help.  I will actually say to myself, “Okay team, let’s do this!”
When I read the quotation by Mark Nepo this morning, and thought about how Native Americans have always talked to Nature Spirits, I was also remembering my nurse, Francesca, telling us about her speaking in this way as she was growing up in Africa. She told stories of going out to the mango orchard, speaking to the gods of the mango trees, asking permission to pick fruit, then speaking words of gratitude.
This makes me think about the book, Behaving As If the God in All Life Mattered, by Machaelle Small Wright.
A friend stopped to visit with me the a few days ago. While he was here, he got that faraway gaze is his eyes, and his voice got quiet as he leaned toward me and asked me what would I most have learned from this experience that is valuable for him and for others.
The answer was simple: Ask for help. Expect that you live in a nonphysical support system—one that is ready, willing, and able to provide you with continuous support, but you must ask!
This is not a new awareness for me, having previously written about that subtle support system, but the sense of total grace and the ease of being that comes from feeling yourself supported is new, or maybe amplified.
Whether you think of your support as angels, guides, or simply the benefit of aligning with your own inner being, I wonder what a difference it will make if we experiment with how much more we can get out of life when you make Grace and Ease your constant companions.
This may just be the new world coming after the end of the old world tomorrow on 12/21/12….
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