By Debra Basham, on September 30, 2014
While riding my bike with a couple of friends in the Apple Cider Century we stopped by a local pumpkin patch. Scattered throughout the yard were some creatures, and I could not resist taking a couple “selfies.”
I sent this first photo to my daughter, Stacey, and she quickly wrote back, “Scary! I don’t like clowns.” That is a family funny. When he was about four years old, our grandson Adam told his mom he wanted to go home (he was visiting us in Michigan) because we have clown paintings on our kitchen walls and they scared him. I took the paintings down and turned them against the wall so we could go on and have a great week together!
A few weeks ago, I had the following article about fear published in the local newspaper.
Fear of Feeling Fear
Since WMMT ran a news story about my work helping people overcome fears and phobias, I have been thinking a lot about how fears and phobias relates to our faith.
In the Christian New Testament, it is written: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18, New International Version)
In the March 22, 2012, Psychology Todayarticle, “The (Only) Five Basic Fears We All Live By”, Karl Albrecht, Ph. D., writes we are all afraid of the same few things: Extinction, Mutilation, Loss of Autonomy, Separation, and Ego-death.
The first two are pretty self-explanatory, but it may be helpful to think a bit more deeply about the other three. Loss of autonomy shows up anywhere our desires are thwarted—including feeling overwhelmed, smothered, or entrapped. Fear of separation is related to feelings not being wanted, respected, or valued. Ego-death is experienced in our lack of lovability, capability, and worthiness.
It may be that we all learned a subtle habit of fearing fear when we saw others acting out emotional avoidances: not asking for a truly deserved raise, a deeply desired date, or a much needed hug—not being honest about what we wanted or needed for fear we would not get it.
My father was an alcoholic. My mother, understandably embarrassed by his drinking, had essentially no social life, but it was not until after his death that we recognized she was actually agoraphobic. Her social fear had been hidden behind my father’s behavior.
Community-based fears spring up around a shared experience. In the aftermath of the bombing at the Boston Marathon, security expert Brian Schneier was quoted in The Washington Post: “If you are scared, they win. If you refuse to be scared, they lose.”
Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love) was quoted by Nelson Mandela: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Just as Susan Jeffers explains in her internationally acclaimed best-selling classic, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, we had been unable to see our emotional reactions to life as the “memories of” fear they really are. We may have rationalized them, justified them, denied them, or projected them onto others, but they were just our own memories. Fear comes from our past to rob us of the opportunity found in each present moment.
If you are ready to move beyond any fear habit you learned along the way, you might enjoy reading Patty Chang Anker‘s book, Some Nerve: Lessons Learned While Becoming Brave. Chapter 7 includes her overcoming the fear of moving water by surfing for the first time in Lake Michigan off the shores of Saint Joseph. Spoiler alert: Patty did that in 36 degree water in February!
We must all walk our talk by letting grace allow us to live in love, not fear.
I had a lot of fun snapping photos with the scary creatures. This one was really fun!
What makes some things scary to some people and not to others? We know fear is a learned response. Hypnosis is known to eliminate fears. Fortunately, we are not helpless!
By Debra Basham, on September 20, 2014
It has been a day about keys. The first lesson took place at the hardware store when I was getting keys cut to our new office space. The young man behind the desk looked to be younger than my grandsons. He was helping another customer, and I entertained myself by looking at all the options.
I could see beer brand key blanks, sports team blanks, specialty food key blanks, and blanks with heads shaped like myriad animals. I had no idea key blanks came in such fancy options. The fancy ones ranged in price up to about five dollars but a sign listed single cut keys at $1.99.
When the fresh-faced young man asked if he could help me, I told him I needed to get four keys made. He asked if I wanted silver or color.
“Is the price the same for the colored ones?” I inquired.
“Yes, I have these colors,” he pointed to the key blanks hanging on the wall. I was drawn to the pretty colors. Color can be such a nice touch. There were four color choices: red, green, yellow, and purple. I needed four keys. That seemed to be my answer!
“Let’s go with these,” I smiled as I dropped four blanks into his hand—one of each color.
I handed him my key chain, and watched as he turned on the machine that cuts the keys.I listened to the familiar grinding sound. In my former life as a clerk in a department store what seems like a century ago I used to cut keys…. A soft clink brought me back from the past as four colored keys were placed in my hand. I heard him saying I could pay for them up front.
As the woman working at the checkout scanned the first one I saw $2.29 in the window. Right and wrong are pretty hard wired into my being. “I understood the price to be $1.99.”
If looks could kill, I would not be writing this blog now. With a huff, the clerk turned to another employee standing nearby. “How much are the color keys? It rings up $2.29.”
Feeling the sand shifting under my feet, I knew I was stepping off my center. “The young man who cut them for me told me the price was the same as the silver keys.”
“Kyle!” the other woman yelled into a mic on her lapel. He was close enough that he answered without the sound system. Kyle (not his real name) walked toward us like a dog with his tail between his legs. “How much are the colored keys?”she demanded.
He threw me under the bus. It is always to save ourselves we do that. Most often to save face when there is no real threat other than to our fragile ego. “I don’t know,” he stammered.
Further from my center, I looked at him and spoke the truth. “When I asked you if the colors were the same price as the silver, you said they were.”
As his young, fresh, face fell, I came to my senses.
“I will pay the price. He made a mistake. It is such a small amount of money and money is certainly not something worth being unkind to a person about.”
I looked up at his face, sure he was looking back at me. “Mistakes happen. We are forever learning, aren’t we….”
I completed the transaction and left the store with four colored keys: Red, Green, Yellow, and Purple. It was easy to have compassion for the young man, but not so much for the two women clerks. When I sit in silence tomorrow morning I will be aware I misspoke when I told him I needed four keys. I obviously need at least one more: The key to compassion for all.
By Debra Basham, on September 14, 2014
It has been over a year ago that I was asked to do a talk on Healing: Body, Mind, and Spirit. While the title is new, the significance of weaving together the threads of body, mind, and spirit are anything but. My first idea for a name of my healing practice was “tapestry.”
The image that I often use to help us really get the point is a three-legged stool. If you think even for a moment about the logistics, you realize NO stool can stand without at least three legs. For our focus today, let’s think about our goal for well-being as Body: calm; Mind: confident; and Spirit: focused.
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| I found this perfect illustration on line! Thank you to whomever created it. |
What is key to your having a calm body? For most of us, we must retrain our brain, because the human brain is still functioning as though we are being chased by lions and tigers.
Most everything I share with clients, friends, and family is designed to retrain the amygdala and allow you to know you are safe so you can make sane choices about how to best respond with love and compassion and wisdom and kindness. Here is a sampling list:
- Self Full Body Connection
- Etheric Vitality Plus
- Aromatherapy
- NLP
- Hypnosis
- Music
- Meditation
- Guided Imagery
- Yoga
- Tai Chi
Let’s face it, life is hectic. Parents with young children know that; working people know that; and even retirees know that. That is why I like these offerings because they address all three legs at once. They calm your body, empower your mind, and inspire your spirit.
By Debra Basham, on September 5, 2014 It seems as though “stuff” comes in cycles, and this is a time when so many I know are going through so much. A twelve hour surgery (associated with a month-long stay in another state where the surgery took place); a drunk driving and a child custody case; purchasing a used car that turned out to be a lemon; losing a wallet with drivers license and all the debit and credit cards; not being able to meet financial obligations; and lost jobs and lost loved ones.
John Lennon said, “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
A dear friend is going through a revisiting of some symptoms (Rocky Mountain Fever and Gilbert’s Syndrome). I am impressed with her steadfast awareness that she is whole and generating a deeper sense of well-being as she navigates this now.
In some amazing ways, each challenge we meet is itself a path to more of what we have desired. The trick is to see the opportunities rather than to think you are a victim.
This is totally in harmony with the information in “The Drama Triangle Revisited” that is published in Healing with Language: Your Key to Effective Mind-Body Communication.
When Joel Bowman (co-developer of Subtle Communication Systems) and I wrote that material, we were living the drama. We had arguments so intense we named them: Parking Lot Number 1, My Office, Parking Lot Number 2. It has taken profound commitment and expanding awareness to move beyond those painful patterns, but it can be done.
We are never alone or abandoned. Help is always available. There are no victims, only volunteers.
Whether your current state is pleasant or unpleasant; easy or difficult; physical or emotional or mental or spiritual, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. In all challenges, the constant truth is revealing itself: “The universe is abundant with unseen helping hands.”
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| Image from a quilt by Kathryn Zerler, used by permission. |
For ongoing inspiration, I share Sacred Stories. Share these with others and send me your own stories, too. Saying thank you to those unseen helping hands….
By Debra Basham, on August 23, 2014
Jen Bricker was born without legs, and put up for adoption. Fortunately, she grew up in a home where the word can’t was forbidden.
She learned to tumble on a trampoline in her yard, but that was not enough for her. She went on to be the first handicapped high school tumbling campion in the state of Illinois!
In an almost unbelievable coincidence, Jen’s athletic drive was inspired by seeing Romanian gymnast Dominique Moceanu on TV. Amazingly, Moceanu turned out to be Jen’s biological sister! The story is told in detail in Moceanu’s memoir book, Off Balance.
I had the honor of meeting Kyle Maynard. Kyle was also born with missing limbs. Kyle went on to be the first quadruple amputee to climb Mount Kilimanjaro without the aid of prosthetics. He is an amazing speaker, author, and is an award-winning mixed martial arts athlete.
Stories like these of Jen and Kyle are so important only if they inspire us to go beyond what we have felt limited by. We do not all have missing limbs, but most (if not all) of us have had experiences that might have left us feeling less capable than we really are. Perhaps it is time for each of us to go beyond anything that had limited us in the past.
Take time to reflect on what you might still yet have or do of be as you begin now to live as though you have never said the word can’t? If your answer needs to be inspired, check out this 5-minute video of Jen.
The world needs each of us to show others what is possible if you never said can’t….
By Debra Basham, on August 18, 2014
May I see that my preoccupation with the faults of others is really a smokescreen
to keep me from taking a hard look at my own,
as well as a way to bolster my own failing ego.
May I check out the “why’s” of my blaming.
(from A Day at a Time, a Hazeldon Foundation book)
I notice when my own energy is low, I start finding faults with others. I have a couple people in my life I use as my emotional litmus test. If my heart is feeling gracious, they are OK, if not, the list of their faults (in my mind) is very long.
Blame is Being Lazy About My Energy….
Fortunately, we are not helpless and things are not hopeless. We can become aware of dynamics that affect our energy, like diet and exercise, rest and relaxation, music and aroma. Too much time in some activities—or too little time in others—takes a toll. We can become fluent in energy medicine as self care.
Many of you know about Self Full Body Connection. If not, check out the free handout showing the positions from the Healing with Energy tab. The earlier version of this was called Chakra Connection, by Brugh Joy, and it gave me back quality of life and inspired me to learn Healing Touch™ to share with others.
Jin Shin Jyutsu has some very simple technique that work wonders to move you out of the blame game. Here is a short video about Safety Lock # 13(located at the breastbone) which rids your thoughts of those inner child wounds! And remember if you forget everything else you saw in the video (or did not watch it), you can hold your middle finger!
Linda Beushausen shared this most incredible true storyof forgiveness when she spoke at Pilgrim Congregational Church on Sunday, August 17. It was posted on February 10, 2013 by Geoff Heggadon. As Linda said, she will probably never have any where near what this woman has to forgive, but when she does face the things in her life that feel too big to forgive, we can all remember what is possible….
The scene is a courtroom trial in South Africa.
A frail black woman rises slowly to her feet. She is something over 70 years of age.
Facing across the room are several white security police officers, one of whom, Mr. van der Broek, has just been tried and found implicated in the murders of both the woman’s son and her husband some years before. He had come to the woman’s home, taken her son, shot him at point blank range and then set the young man’s body on fire while he and his officers partied nearby.
Several years later, van der Broek and his cohorts had returned to take away her husband as well. For many months she heard nothing of his whereabouts. Then almost two years after her husband’s disappearance, van de Broek came back to fetch the woman herself.
How vividly she remembers that evening, going to a place beside a river where she was shown her husband, bound and beaten, but still strong in spirit, lying on a pile of wood. The last words heard from his lips as the officers poured gasoline over his body and set him aflame were, “Father forgive them…”
Now the woman stands in the courtroom and listens to the confessions offered by Mr. van de Broek. A member of the South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission turns to her and asks, “So what do you want? How should justice be done to this man who has so brutally destroyed your family?”
“I want three things,” begins the old woman calmly, but confidently. “I want first to be taken to the place where my husband’s body was burned so that I can gather up the dust and give his remains a decent burial.”
She pauses, then continues, “My husband and son were my only family, I want secondly, therefore, for Mr. van der Broek to become my son. I would like him to come twice a month to the ghetto and spend a day with me so that I can pour out on him whatever love I still have remaining in me.”
“And finally,” she says, “I want a third thing. This is also the wish of my husband. And so, I would kindly ask someone to come to my side and lead me across the courtroom so that I can take Mr. van der Broek in my arms and embrace him and let him know that he is truly forgiven.”
As the court assistants come to lead the elderly woman across the room, Mr. van der Broek, overwhelmed by what he has just heard, faints. As he does, those in the courtroom, family, friends neighbours—all victims of decades of oppression and injustice—begin to sing, softly but assuredly: “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.” (From J.John & Mark Stibbe)
By Debra Basham, on August 8, 2014
The “theme-of-the-week” (if a week can have a theme) has been fear. Of course, I love the plays on the word, such as false evidence appearing real. I found a website with many more. Here are just a few:
Frustration, Ego, Anxiety, Resentment
Forever Escaping And Retreating
Frantic Efforts to Appear Recovered
For Everything a Reason
Forgetting Everything’s All Right
Knowing everything is all right does not help much when you are in the middle a mental/emotional pattern that has triggered fear or anxiety. Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique) is a good resource to learn now so you can navigate with clarity when you are confronted by a real risk. At some point, in some way, you must confront your fear or you will lose more and more freedom to enjoy life.
Every faith tradition seems to encourage us to overcome fear and anxiety. Hebrew scriptures say it this way: “I will not be afraid, because the Lord is with me. People can’t do anything to me.”(Psalm 118:6) According to Buddhism, fear is at the very root of ego.
In the article, “Starting on the Path of Fearand Fearlessness”, Judith Lief, writes, “We have our conscious day-to-day fears—of a close call, an accident, a bad health diagnosis. But then there is an undercurrent of fear, which is very relevant to practitioners. This undercurrent of fear lurks behind a lot of our habits. It is why it is so hard to just sit still or stand still or stand in line—not doing anything in particular—without feeling nervous and fidgety. We have a fear of being still.”
This week, I attended a book signing by Patty Chang Anker, author of Some Nerve:Lessons Learned While Becoming Brave, and former Director of Media Relations for The New York Times. Patty was in Saint Joseph to visit the scene of one of her overcoming. Having experienced a near-drowning in a river as a youngster, she faced the fear of water in one of the most chilling settings: Surfing on Lake Michigan in February!
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| Patty Chang Anker, author of Some Nerve: Lessons Learned While Becoming Brave. |
Recently, the local evening news ran a story about another brave woman, Jules Follett, who has overcome the fear of heights. Although it is not mentioned in the news story, one of our SCS/NLP graduates, Kimberly DeFields Bay, initially guided Jules through the Fast Phobia Cure (developed by Richard Bander) under my supervision as a demonstration of mastery. It is a simple technique, with profound benefits!
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| Jules Follet (your right), enjoying no fear of heights after the fast phobia cure, in Dubai. |
While it is true we do not have to become as adventurous as Patty—or as world-traveled as Jules—to know they are enjoying a life free of irrational fears, it is exciting just to know you, too, can. Then just sit back and see what marvelous things are able to happen in your life….
By Debra Basham, on July 30, 2014
When I saw this photo on the wall of a friend on Facebook a few days ago, I instantly had the thought I would blog about it.
This morning early, it was quite interesting to receive a text asking me if I communicate with people who have passed. I told her I learned the work Dr. Alan Bodkin calls “Induced After Death Communication.” I use that, when appropriate, to help people overcome grief, face fears, and resolve internal conflicts.
She wrote back, “Does that mean you are a medium?”
Explaining that Dr. Bodkin says you do not have to believe in spirits to have the technique be helpful, I went on to say that I am very intentional to work within the individual’s beliefs. I added my own belief that we are all mediums, meaning that spirit can and does communicate to and through each of us.
I remembered and shared with her the Thanksgiving my daughter, Stacey, came to Michigan. She got ready to make my mom’s famous Dutch Apple Pie, but realized she did not have the recipe. After quite some time of struggling to remember the ingredients and the quanties, the information clearly popped into her mind. At just that moment of clarity, Stacey heard my mom’s voice in her head say, “Well, damn, Sugar, I’ve been trying to tell you!”
Whatever your beliefs, if you would treasure some time with a loved one who is now in spirit, decide a location where you would like to meet. Or just sit with your loved one in your mind’s eye on this bench. Close your eyes and get comfortable. Bring your attention to your heart. Use your imagination and just see what wonderful happens.
You can write a letter to your loved one in spirit, using the same process of imagination. Say what is on your heart to say, then listen with your heart for the answer. Many of Bodkin’s patients reported similar phenomenon as those who had a near-death experience (NDE).
The real gift is you genuinely experience of feeling a reconnection….
By Debra Basham, on July 22, 2014
A wonderful woman I have been working with is facing a surgery that has been referred to as “The Mother of All Surgeries.” She is an amazing individual, and she did her homework to find the right team to do this surgery for her.
At the same time she is on this amazing healing journey (one that alone could be a full-time endeavor for some), a huge project is coming together at work as well.
Things just seem so amplified for many people right now.
After meeting with her, I spent some time writing a tapping (EFT) script for helping her Imagine Healing. This is the last sequence in that tapping:
EB: I realize my healing journey is unfolding;
SE: and I am extremely grateful for that.
UE: My body can relax a bit more into the truth of that now.
UN: Maybe a good outcome for the surgery can be easier than I thought.
CH: It won’t happen exactly as I imagined it, but things can go better than expected.
CB: I am grateful for feeling any relaxation,
UA: as I deal with what needs to be done.
TH: This journey may help me help others some day. For that, I am glad.
As I read through the words again just now, I realize if you just take out the words “for the surgery” this is a message for each of us.
Some are struggling to make ends meet. Many are experiencing physical challenges. People are navigating their way to a sane and sober life after a time of having been using substances or behaviors to numb pain from their past.
Each of us can say honestly, “I realize my healing journey is unfolding; this journey may help me help others some day; and I am extremely grateful for that.” Our bodies can relax into the truth of all this and more. How many times have we worried about something that never came to be? Often the gifts and blessings amidst challenges far exceed anything we might have imagined.
One thing is certain, as the Dalai Lama said, “If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
By Debra Basham, on July 15, 2014
I often notice when a certain theme seems to be prevalent in the world around me. For example, I spent the past weekend with my daughter and her family. My grandson, Adam, just graduated from high school and is about two weeks away from leaving for a three-month culinary work-study experience in Italy. Whether it is a delayed case of “senioritis” or something else going on, the two of them are going through a challenging time of relating right now.
The adult daughter of a friend had a triggering event with her husband over a glass of wine she drank (she is nursing her new baby daughter). That triggering event led to a huff up the stairs and some silent-treatment and tense atmosphere for everyone (including my friend and her husband).
My sister got triggered when her former daughter-in-law was upset about some demands with regards to visitation time with grandson, Tony. It only took a few moments for her to realize she was reliving some past pain with a former husband around her own young son.
Like pimples on the oily face of a teenager, this theme of past pain seems to be popping out at me from everywhere.
In Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha,Tara Brach makes a key point about it: ”Because we are responding to an accumulation of past pain, our reactions are out of proportion to what is happening in the moment. When someone criticizes us or disapproves of us, we get thrown back in time and have no access to our adult understanding.” (p. 170-171)
“Your ultimate victory is in taking back the power to dictate your own emotions and to use your free will to make choices that enhance your life and bring you inner peace.” (The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life, by Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and Marcia Grad Powers, p. 124.)
As I was with another person, also slogging through the depth of interpersonal stress, I had the message pop into my mind to tell her that right now, the only expression of Jesus in her life was this other person. It seemed too harsh, and I tried to avoid the necessity of sharing the idea. When I did share it, she and I both cried.
I cried recalling the day I had felt the unjustness of judging Jesus based on what others said he said.
Terrence Real writes with great wisdom about relationships in How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women. Chapter 13 is about “Relational Esteem.” Real defines self-esteem as “one’s capacity to hold oneself in warm regard in the face of one’s own imperfections and limitations, one’s capacity to cherish oneself as a flawed, flesh-and-blood, human being.” (p. 207)
Relational esteem, accordingly, is the capacity to hold the relationship in warm regard in the face of its imperfections and limitations.
Perhaps we can come to value past pain in a similar way. As Real shares with readers, the only instrument for change we possess, our only tool, is ourselves…
As I sit here writing, I remember these tender interactions between people who want to express lovingly with one another and I let emotion course through me. I feel my heart soften toward myself and all these “others” who are each only doing the best we can. I am reminded simply of the truth about past pain: Sometimes it takes generations to heal.
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