By Debra Basham, on September 12, 2023 Wowser, it has been a wonder-filled day. Six women were present for deep sharing following the 6:30 a.m. meditation. Three of those women I have known previously, two are new friends.
Right afterwards I scored a Royal Flush and earned a whopping 5,000 points on the poker machine in our guest bath. In the decades we have had that game, neither John nor I have even come close to that score! I think the highest previous score was 500 points. The Royal Flush can be formed 4 ways (one for each suit), giving it odds of 649,739 to 1. This morning I had the ace, king, queen, jack, and ten of clubs!
A bit later, my friend, Mary Anne, and I sat on the porch drinking tea. We had hoped to go for a bike ride, but now the predicted rain began to fall in earnest. She shared how sad she was feeling after the recent passing of her 34 year-old niece following five years of cancer treatment.
We talked about how important it is to be open to communication, and just as she was sharing having talked to her niece’s fiance about that a rainbow appeared!
We watched the rainbow hide and emerge, and hide and emerge, along with a faint double above. We both knew clearly that nature was showing us the nature of life and life after life in just the ways our hearts and words were speaking it to one another. It was an exquisite sharing.
My nephew has had quite a journey — I have spoken of him before. After being incarcerated for many years and then working his way to release from parole, he has had a roller coaster as an over-the-road truck driver. Today he started a local job hauling concrete, but tonight he learned that he will not have access to transportation, extremely inconvenient given that the camper he has just moved onto the work lot has no electricity or water. Feeling grateful for the work but not at all sure how he can navigate life like this, he returned to the camper to find a co-worker / long-time-friend had left him a generator, a microwave, and a bag of food!
He called a little bit ago because he had not yet been able to get the generator started. John and I went and picked up his food because he has no way to keep it cold, and does not want it to go to waste.
As we were driving there, it came to mind how YEARS ago several of us helped the son of one of the women in our community get to work and back after he lost his license due to a DUI. He was a single dad with a young son of his own. I took him to work each Wednesday morning on my way to Kalamazoo and picked him up each Wednesday evening on my way home. Others drove one way or another. Each doing a part.
Today I am wearing my Bee Kind t-shirt, and this evening I am reading words from Gary Zukav: “The Universe gave you an experience of grace. It provided exactly what you needed to transform an experience of a frightened part of your personality (fear and doubt) into an experience of a loving part of your personality (love and trust).”
By Debra Basham, on September 1, 2023 The moon again provides a backdrop for the Yellow Brick Road (see my previous post, Waning Gibbous Moon).
A friend lives in Colorado where the skies are almost always clear. Each month he takes a photo of the full moon and sends it to me. (If you are not able to see the photo below, please click on the title of this post to read it on the website.)
That ritual of friendship is housed in a story about a family who left the United Methodist church (which had an aging congregation with no Sunday school program for their young children) and joined the Congregational church where all the young families attended. A bit concerned about any theological differences that might be spiritually dangerous to their souls, they asked their Methodist minister what he thought. His reply was, “The same moon shines in every back yard.”
Whether full, waning gibbous, blue, super, or dark — we sleep under the same moon.
A lot is happening to cause this particular blue supermoon to occur. The red wavelengths do not reach the earth, so the blue ones make the moon appear blue. It is the second full moon in the month of August, a supermoon, and this year’s closest to the earth (100 miles closer than the August the August 1, 2023 supermoon).
And this particular moon is visible everywhere on the planet….
One post I read mentioned that it also falls on the Hindu festival of Raksha Bandhan, which celebrates the bonds between brothers and sisters.
Another mentioned this as a time of heightened emotion and intuition. It’s rarity suggests an opportunity to connect with our innermost dreams and visions.
Katherine May writes, “It’s as if the universe is inviting us to lean in, embrace our aspirations, and make heartfelt decisions about our relationships. Our sense of enchantment is not triggered only by grand things; the sublime is not hiding in distant landscapes. The awe-inspiring, the numinous, is all around us, all the time. It is transformed by our deliberate attention.”
And under this moon magical things are in the making in my family. I have shared the success my nephew has had getting his life together following years of incarceration. I published an “Insights” clergy article about how difficult it is when someone gets out of prison with no car, no job, no home, no money. He did not even have a drivers’ license, and his profession is driving truck!
It has not all been song and dance. But he was able to satisfy the conditions of and get off parole. Nothing short of a miracle, but he has made it. He says he could not have done it without some of his family.
Just last week he was really down. He was without a job again, and therefore without a vehicle, money, or home. I reminded him how much better off he is now than then, and how Abraham Hicks says if your life is not working for you there is only one non-cooperative part: YOU.
One website broke the influence of the blue supermoon down by Zodiac signs. The specific meaning for those whose birthday falls between November 22 and December 21, Sagittarians: brace for a home and family shift. Delve into emotional ties within your kinship. It’s ideal for a home refresh – renovate, cleanse, and invigorate your space. My nephew’s birthday is December 3….
And this week, under this August 2023 blue supermoon, healing is happening. His sister and her husband are helping him renovate a camper trailer so he and his dog will have a stable base rather than ending up homeless every time he would change jobs. They are feeding him and providing him with a vehicle. He will be starting a new job, with a company he worked for previously (when he was not as stable as he is now). They see value in him and are giving his a job again.
Soooooo much to be grateful for.
In the Christian New Testament, Matthew 12:48-50, Jesus replied to the man who told him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”
May all brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and neighbors and friends even enemies do the will of the Father (and Mother) in heaven and love one another. It is happening in this blue supermoon.
By Debra Basham, on August 21, 2023 I was restless at bedtime last night. It had been a pleasant day but late in the evening I got a text from a friend who had ended up at the ER over the weekend, John’s bedtime blood pressure reading was a bit elevated, and I read an email from a person who is asking something of me (again) that I am not comfortable with.
The next email I read was from another friend. I did not respond to her before going to bed, but as I spent time answering her this morning it felt like a journal entry so I am sharing it here.
What are some of the catalysts for you? I hope you are managing okay?
D: The catalysts are feelings of being unsure, not trusting, afraid I will make a mistake that will bring about pain or loss. John has a primary physician; an endocrinologist for his thyroid condition; a neurologist because he had a TIA; two cardiologists because he had the quadruple bypass surgery (one in Michigan and one in Florida).
They all have opinions about the medications and they make changes and he develops a side effect from the medication so they give him another medication to counteract that side effect. We end up constantly at the doctor’s office and living with our finger on his pulse instead of enjoying the quality of life we do have.
The catalysts are always things we recognize from our practice: hindrances, worldly dharmas…. and we all have habit energies around grasping and aversion — things we want or don’t want.
I have catalysts too 🙂 An ongoing deep sense of wanting to belong with a group I resonate with.
D: Are you familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? From the bottom of the hierarchy upwards, the needs are physiological (food and clothing), safety (job security as well as physical or emotional safety), love and belonging needs (friendship or group affiliation), esteem, and self-actualization The idea is that the upper needs cannot be satisfied until the lower needs are. The sense of not belonging to a group blocks confidence and self-acceptance. It is an interesting way of seeing. Others are coming forth with more contemporary ways of looking at these with greater dimension, but they seem to follow this essential pattern.
May you be happy; may you know love, may you know perfection and peace. That is the great prayer, isn’t it….
There is also some fear, which I recognize is my lack of confidence and faith in the practice.
I appreciate how some of the teachers of the direct path speak about it. Mooji and Adyashanti, for example. Seeking will keep us seeking.
Perhaps because I am much older now I am more OKAY with what is. Even these current catalysts are gifts. I have watched John lose consciousness now twice, and both times in a doctor’s office!
I had a dream MANY years ago. John had been hit in the head by a part of a boat, like a boom, while he was working at the dock. His head was bleeding profusely and I knew he was dying. I was sitting on the sand in shallow water holding him in my arms totally knowing he was dying and yet we were just present with one another in such deep love and devotion and gratitude for our lives together. It was beautiful.
This summer I had the honor of watching a friend be held by his wife as he died in much that same way. Claudia held Wayne that way as he was dying.
We are capable of living life and facing death with confidence that whatever happens it is OKAY.
And in the moments when we are not feeling that it is OKAY we can let go of the grasping and allow our true essence to return. And it does. The moon is not always full in my sight but it is never larger nor smaller than it is…. And you and I are not always visibly awake in our thoughts and feelings and sensations (aggregates) but we are never more nor less awake.
Have a good night 🙂
I was a bit restless, but morning came and the windows are open and the air is fresh and my coffee is hot.
Last night as John and I walked home after playing cards with Linda and Larry a beautiful waning gibbous moon hung low in the sky.
“A waning gibbous moon phase is a time to look inwards and re-evaluate your goals. It’s a time to feel grateful for what has been this month and re-adjust your intentions moving forward.”
I am grateful for you in the world, Dear Friend.
By Debra Basham, on August 10, 2023 Compassion becomes real
when we recognize
our shared humanity.
~ Pema Chödrön
Posted on Facebook by a Reunion Living Ministry colleague:
“To bless whatever there is, and for no other reason but simply because it is, that is what we are made for as human beings.”
~ David Steindal-Rast
I bless the heat and the fact that I can experience it. What do you bless today?
I commented on her post: I bless a clean toilet tank and bowl.
Yesterday afternoon some workers broke a water riser three houses from us.The park notified all residents that we would be without water for a few hours. Shortly after the water was back on VERY rusty water came pouring in! If you do not see the photos, you can click on the title of this post to read it on the website.
The water in the toilet bowl began to clear some after MANY flushings, but the inside of the toilet tanks were very stained this morning:
To see that coming out of our water lines was pretty shocking. The young man who manages our park day-to-day assured us it was rust from the loss of and then re-establishment of the water pressure in the lines. He even came over late last evening. We sent him home with our appreciation and some of John’s garden bounty: Sugar Rush cherry tomatoes.
Today my thoughts and prayers are with those who lost loved ones and have been devastated by the fires on Maui. John and I had one of our best ever breakfast-out experiences in the historic town of Lahaina when we stayed on Maui and we fully understand things are not over just because it stops making the news. Friends and neighbors in Florida are still navigating the devastation of Hurricane Ian, now almost eleven months ago.
A friend just brought her elderly father home following a hip-replacement. Thankfully they are receiving support from hospice, but even with that support there is a lot to navigate.
Another friend leaves her home here in Michigan and goes to Wisconsin for weeks at a time in support of her 100-years-plus father’s staying in his own home.
Many of you are aware of Barbara Brodsky’s caring for her husband, Hal, in their home in spite of his being paralyzed on one side and having aphasia post-stroke. Plus Barbara is deaf, and she just spent months non-weight bearing due to infection in the bone on her toe. She is recovering well and grateful to be able to shower and now to swim!
People navigate many challenges every day, day-to-day.
Readers know about our precious Jackson. He has been seizure free since the first week of November, however, he is not yet talking and things like potty training that would be expected about this age (he will be three in December) is out of the question at this time. They will be evaluating him related to his possibly being on the autism spectrum, and we hope for benefit of more early intervention services and therapy. This is not the parenting experience our granddaughter dreamed of.
When something happens many prayers and thoughts come flooding forth, but, then life goes on and we may not always remember that life goes on….
Daily Reflection from Deep Spring
There are places in this universe where there is terrible pain, darkness, misunderstanding, which lead to hatred, greed, and fear. What you do on this simple planet Earth as you raise the vibration here has the ability to move the expression of Divinity, Buddha Nature, Christ Consciousness—whatever you want to call it—out into the universe. It raises its vibration. It makes it more powerful. This is the core of the work you’re doing. It is not just for you, to wake up or to live your life more comfortably. I’m delighted to see you living your lives more comfortably, but that’s not the end result. And if that were the end result in your mind, can you see how it would limit you? But when you immediately consecrate this goodness, this opening heart, this clarity, “I consecrate this. I offer it to all beings everywhere, in all the universes, that all beings truly may have an end to suffering,” that heightens it for yourself and it makes it available everywhere. No insight, no movement of the open heart is ever lost.
The opening words from Pema Chödrön say it all: our humanity is shared. Recognizing this makes compassion real.
Whatever we go through, we consecrate this….
Amen.
By Debra Basham, on August 4, 2023 We cannot forget that our real power is not necessarily to change the world, but to make a world of change to the people we encounter every day. ~ Cory Booker
Last Thursday morning while I was out on a bike ride I got a call from a friend here in the park, “I have some bad news.” I knew what she was going to say. “I just tested positive for Covid.”
We had been together for a couple of hours the prior evening at the Glenairs Jam. Linda and Larry were not there but when I told her the news she sent me the current Covid exposure guidelines from the CDC.
After being exposed to COVID-19 START PRECAUTIONS IMMEDIATELY. Wear a mask as soon as you find out you were exposed.
Start counting from day 1. Day 0 is the day of your last exposure to someone with COVID-19, and day 1 is the first full day after your last exposure.
CONTINUE PRECAUTIONS 10 full day because you can still develop COVID-19 up to 10 days after you have been exposed.
Wear a high-quality mask or respirator (e.g., N95) any time you are around others inside your home or indoors in public.
John cancelled his pool match with Charlie on Thursday and his practice music session with John Smith on Saturday, and he stayed home from coffee. I wore a mask when Linda Allen and Princess and I went for a bike ride, and during any errands I ran. We canceled our Saturday plans for the taco-bar-birthday celebration with my sister, Janis, and our brother-in-love, Larry, the birthday boy.
This morning I was catching up on emails and read about how rather than developing skills for drawing on our inner resources, many of us developed skills for looking outward and reacting to whatever confronted us. Earlier in the week I got twisted up with our friend who hosts the jam sessions. He and his wife obviously were not isolating. Admittedly, they were on the other side of the room the evening of our exposure, but he said he believed they were exposed so their choice for navigating is deeper than where in the room they were on Wednesday.
I am surprised that I am quite the stickler about following the guidelines because I am generally more of a rule-breaker than a rule-follower. (Common Metaprograms from the personality preferences in SCS/NLP.) Of course, you cannot do one without simultaneously doing the other. They reside in pairs – opposite ends of a continuum, just like heads and tails on a coin.
I am not paranoid about Covid any more. I was. But I do not want to get ill or to be sick, and even more than that, I don’t want to knowingly expose someone else. For me, it is an easy choice to experience the frustration of missing something I was looking forward to.
After I got twisted up with our friend, I later got twisted up with our daughter, Stacey, about having gotten twisted up with our friend. Both of them used the exact same words that sent me over the edge: “It is just like flu.” Well, that is not how I see it….
So, I read a book.
I did a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. The title of this one was “Fun Fair Foods” and I made hamburgers for our dinner that night. LOL.
I painted the deck box that sits on the front porch the same powder blue of our barn.
Yesterday’s project was beautiful, bright new paint and hardware on the vanity in the guest bathroom.
The book I read was Beaches, by Iris Rainer Dart. It is about two women who met as children on a beach during a summer vacation and how they first became pen pals, then life-long friends. As the stable one in the relationship was dying of cancer (SPOILER ALERT), the drama-queen stepped up to support her friend but over-stepped by bringing the woman’s young daughter there to be with her mom against the mom’s wishes.
Needless to say, that did not go over well, with the friend saying essentially,”You had no right. I hate you. Get out of my house, I never want to see you again as long as I live.”
The flamboyant-bordering-on-hystrionic friend’s calm response brought me a laugh mingled with a couple of tears: “I am glad you are the crazy one for a change.”
Grateful to report that we have both tested negative for Covid, have no symptoms, and we are approaching the ten-day mark.
Sometimes it is better to step over an obstacle than to try to go around a difficult situation. That may be our real power….
By Debra Basham, on July 12, 2023 How do we see the world as sacred again?
By radical noticing.
Looking for awe in all of life.
~ Lucy Jones posted on Gratefulness.org July 12, 2023
Yesterday riding my bike I was inundated by awareness of the propensity to criticism. John’s clothes, the way someone says something, the decadent use of disposable bottles of water, the literal interpretation of the Bible, the killing of native grasses and planting of invasive species…. the list is endless.
I long to see the world as sacred again.
The world does not need to change for that to happen, but my consciousness does.
The past few weeks I have been Zoom hosting a gathering of beings present with our meditation teacher, Barbara Brodsky. She is navigating a serious infection which got into the bone in her toe. After months of not being able to bear weight, and 9 weeks on antibiotics, she is in the wait-and-see if the infection is gone mode. Expressing that she was feeling some fear around all of this, the gathering of those willing to be with her was born.
Barbara has spoken of our intention as “one foot for all” and “one heart for all.”
Barbara’s closing comments Sunday, July 9, 2023:
As I was talking with Aaron earlier this week and I was still meditating with the fear and concern about a possible amputation, he said is there any need to explore that reality of an amputation.
I said no, but it could happen so I have to be prepared.
He said being prepared doesn’t mean looking at the possible amputation. It means just watching fear as it comes up and knowing how to relate to that fear with love, but if you go into practicing having equanimity with a possible amputation, in some ways you are bringing energy to inviting the amputation. If instead, you simply practice loving kindness toward anything, even the mosquito bite, the thunder, whatever has disturbed your environment, just practicing love and continue to envision the perfectly healed foot.
Last week a friend shared a body of work titled “How to Turn Your Client’s Negative Emotions into Positive Growth,” presented by Charles M. Jones. While it was not totally new information, I did have a very strong insight about the fear around managing John’s medical issues. Charles contrasts what he calls the “circumstantial view” with the “effectiveness view” of difficult emotions. The emotion we were working with was frustration. I was identifying the frustration around most of John’s complaints being the side-effects of medications: low energy, little stamina, lethargy.
Following his process, I gained the insight that hidden beneath the surface frustration with all the medications was the concern of loss of financial independence if John would become disabled and need long-term care!
From my journal this morning:
V: Being prepared is fueled by fear. Notice now the thought about losing one’s money because of long-term care. Find that sweet spot of being guided in love verses being driven by fear.
While we were in the meditation with Barbara on Sunday I kept seeing the image of an icicle. I saw aspects including the conditions which led to the formation, and both the beauty and the possible destruction. Later I read that the symbolic meaning of icicle is TEMPORARY DIFFICULTIES.
As I visited with a friend recently we spoke of our longing to see the world as sacred. We have both navigated so much…. we share a legacy of shame.
On the back cover of the book by Jenna Blum, one short sentence speaks volumes: “Those Who Save Us is a profound exploration of what we endure to survive and the legacy of shame.”
Very near the end of the book the main character, Trudy (a German), is stunned that a man she has recently found such happiness and bliss with, Ranier (a Jew), is leaving. She begs him to tell her why and suggests reason after reason which in her own mind it might be. Finally, he speaks the saddest words in the world, “I do not deserve to have this. I am not meant to be this happy.”
Trudy knew she could not argue with him because she knew that feeling all too well.
Whoa….
Looking again at Ken Wilber’s 3-2-1 process, I wonder if that is the key to our seeing the world as sacred. Maybe this is what allows us to see that it is all sacred. It already IS sacred. Perhaps we must do the shadow work and bring it all into the heart.
These steps are summarized as FACE-TALK-BE and here’s how the
technique is explained in Wilber’s little instruction book, The Integral
Vision: (See: 3-2-1 Process for the Shadow pdf)
1. First thing in the morning (before getting out of bed), review your
dreams and find someone who showed up with an emotional charge,
positive or negative.
2. FACE that person, holding them in mind.
3. Then TALK to that person, or simply resonate with them.
4. Finally BE that person by taking their perspective. For the sake of this
exercise there is no need to write anything out—you can go through
the whole process right in your mind.
5. Before going to bed, choose a person who either disturbed or
attracted you during the day. FACE them, TALK to them, and then BE
them.
This technique can be used not only with people who bring up an emotional
charge, but also with situations and memories that create a disturbance.
The same six letters make up both words.
S C A R E D
S A C R E D
Whoa….
This is the format of our time together with Barbara Brodsky on these Sunday noon gatherings: “We express our gratitude for the opportunity to come together as a group. We hold this highest intention not only for ourselves, but for the benefit of all. May all be blessed. May all be free from suffering. May all be healthy. May all be happy. May all feel joy. May all beings realize their intrinsic perfection and find perfect peace. Namaste'”
I think I will add “May all see the world as sacred.”
By Debra Basham, on June 17, 2023 The kind of beauty I want most is the hard-to-get kind that comes from within. ~ Ruby Dee
Last evening I went to a drumming at the home of some long-time friends. One of the other drummers was also a blast from my past. But, the delight of my heart was a young man who had the beauty of curiosity and seeking. Lots of sharing ended an evening significantly warmer than the weather. This morning I sent along information about Adyashanti and Rupert Sprira and a few quotations they might appreciate. I am obviously still under the influence of the 8-day retreat and grateful.
Hearing Rupert Spira telling a questioner that “the contemplation that we do in the yoga meditations would be the first step. The next step is out in the world. That is obviously more active than just contemplating the objective content of our experience. But In theory there’s no reason why it should feel any different from meditating in your chair. Really, everyday life should be considered an advanced to yoga meditation.”
On the retreat John Orr spoke of the horizontal or linear path which puts more emphasis on the conditioned realm, and the vertical path which puts more emphasis on non-striving, and the intersection of these two paths. The vertical path does not negate the movement of mind and the nature of the conditioned realm where one thing leads to another. As Rupert Spira says in The Inward and Outward-Facing Paths of Non-duality, “It is either meditation with your eyes closed or meditation with your eyes open. Those are the only two options.”
My eyes were certainly closed and open a LOT during the retreat. So was my heart.
For example, when I could hear my host in the room next to the apartment where I was and I noticed the slight contraction in my lower abdomen I was also aware I was having cellular memory from the past lifetime when I was pregnant with the soul that is/was my business partner in this lifetime. Throughout the week I was experiencing this looping back and forth of then and now, here and there, same and not same. And remembering to simply inquire of myself, “Is anything other than?”
On Monday after I got home from the retreat John and Stacey and I visited our previous home on Lincoln Avenue. The new owners are the daughter and son-in-law of our neighbors. They have done MAJOR renovations. They moved the basement stairs and turned Stacey’s former bedroom into a walk-in closet with in-room-laundry. They added an out door pavilion. Saying all of this I have not even hinted at the magnitude of the changes.
It was spooky to see how many of the things we had actually contemplated doing at some point during the 40 years we lived there. They put a sliding glass door out of the kitchen; they turned the former formal living room into a dining room; they put in a huge kitchen island.
As I walked through room after room I could feel the sameness and the difference. “I love the changes you made and I love that you also recognized and preserved the essence of the house.” Wow, that is the intersection of the linear (horizontal) and vertical paths…. It is like living in these bodies knowing they are temporary without denying birth is not the beginning and death is not the end.
I mentioned having a strong sensation of my week as a Bardo preview. Bardo is the Tibetan term for the intermediate state or gap we experience when we leave this physical body. Most teachers see that cultural differences and personal idiosyncrasies generate a variety of experiences, with a common theme of some fort of life review. We have an opportunity to integrate our learning and balance any unfinished business or unwholesome karma. Medical evidence suggests this is a result of the brain firing as it is going off line.
What truly excites me is the option to open our heart and mind to see it is a beautiful world as we walk this path while we still have these bodies. Awareness is the key.
Some people go to the dentist in fear and dread every time. As I key these words in I am developing awareness that this is my path beyond fear of medical things. I know fully that the anxiety had its origin in my mother’s central nervous system while I was in her womb and she was filled with rage, sadness,feelings of betrayal, concern, embarrassment, and fear. Many of my readers know my birth story. My mother discovered she was pregnant and that she had syphilis at the same time. Both were a gift from my father…. Then having been diagnosed with and treated for polio at age five resulted in lots of trauma.
While that was then and this is now, “now” and “then” do not actually exist independently, they exist interdependently. The beauty is your eyes and heart being open enough to see. Following the retreat, I sent the YouTube video of Les Crane singing Desiderata to my dharma sister co-hosting the retreat.
You are a child of the universe.
No less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
Keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Desiderata: Les Crane
Yes, it is a very beautiful world within and without….
By Debra Basham, on June 12, 2023 We crave that deep place within
that cannot be touched by the ups and downs of life,
but rather just IS – connected and whole.
~ Katie Rubinstein
For well over twenty years I have been working with a Karmic stream from a lucid past life. I will tell it like a fictional story so you will be able to hear the truth and make good use of the wisdom and compassion without needing to believe or disbelieve any details. For ease in writing I shall write it the way I experience it, which is in first person.
The best stories begin with long, long ago in a far-away place I was born as a female to parents who were the beloved and trusted leaders in a utopian walled village. I was one with all of nature; able to speak and understand the birds and animals and revered by all in our community. Although I was born a female, I was announced as a male to avoid instability in the face of no heir. It was a truly blissful existence… until I was approaching puberty.
Overhearing my parents discussing the dilemma that soon my body would betray us and violence was sure to occur, I ran away thinking that my being there was the problem so running away would be the solution. All delusion is that misguided, and this was a slippery slope for sure.
I was befriended by a man who cared greatly for me as the son of the leaders but as time passed it became obvious I was a female, and his love became corrupt. He forced himself on me, resulting in my becoming pregnant. I was so frightened and ignorant and unhappy, and he was so frightened that I would run away he incarcerated me. I could not see or hear the birds and animals. I was bereft.
Peeling a large sliver from the wooden tray he left food for me on, I dug into my wrist, bleeding to death, ending my life and the life of the fetus within me. That unborn one has been my business partner for over twenty years in this life, and the man who had kept me was my business partner’s wife in this lifetime. She loved me so much, but she was not happy with his continuing to work as she was retired and wanted him to retire. Soon after he and I formed a legal partnership and it was obvious he was not only not going to retire but would also be doing a large amount of consulting work with me, she moved out of state saying, “I will see you when I see you.” They were eventually divorced.
“A retreat is best served when you acknowledge your awakeness yet know it is not fully realized yet.”
“There is both wholesome and unwholesome karma. The intention is to go beyond karma.”
“See it as the perfect unfolding of karma…. see the innate perfection everywhere…. you have a portion of it and a responsibility to release that portion for all beings. None of this can happen without intention.”
“For every human there is wholesome karma regardless of how deeply mired in negativity.”
“Each being that looks at unwholesome karma with forgiveness and love is living the intention and brings forth high vibration and love and to heal the whole earth.”
My nighttime dreams and my meditations were filled with painful memories related to this karmic stream. Lucid. Vibrant. Complete with body sensations, smells, sights and sounds.
On Wednesday during the sitting following Darshan with The Mother, as channeled by Barbara Brodsky, I experienced clear seeing of how “saying no with love” could have made space for less pain and suffering for everyone. I heard my former self speak from total love, compassion, and wisdom.
“I am a child. I am very broken hearted, enough so that I do not want to live. If I die, so will your child. You took my body which was not freely given. Please let me go free. Do not force yourself on me again. I cannot promise that I will come to love you in that way, but I will live so your beloved child may also live. Will you at least try?”
Thursday evening’s Dharma talk by John Orr was on faith. John quoted Thomas Merton as having said that faith begins when prayer becomes impossible and the heart has changed to stone. I know that feeling related to this karmic stream….
I see Nuthatch as I open my eyes and I look up the spiritual meaning.
When Nuthatch flutters into your awareness, it brings a message of keeping the faith and trusting what you know within, even if you can’t see it wiht your natural eyes.
As I close my eyes during the final sitting of the day I hear, “You can’t go back, Dear One. Your heart is seeking to find freedom here now.”
I sit through floods of torturous memories during meditation but this time I am able to see it all as more being purified. My intent is to lay it all down….
Parallel to all of this inner journey, I have had a yeast flare. Such intense vaginal itching I could not sleep. The probable mental cause of candida according to Louise Hay is feeling very scattered. (As the retreat opened I was so scattered Sivia had to take over the hosting duties.) Lots of frustration and anger and untrusting in relationships. (Oh, yes, very familiar….) The affirmation to clear this pattern is beautifully simple: “I give myself permission to be all that I can be, and I deserve the very best in life. I love and appreciate myself and others.”
“We have to be respectful of the pain the forgiveness is to release.”
“Forcing forgiveness is another way of not forgiving ourselves.”
“When we stop separating ourselves from others, it becomes THE PAIN, and compassion comes. With compassion there is no need for forgiveness.”
Never put anyone out of your heart. ~ Maharshi
I feel such gratitude for the yeast!
“We don’t have to attain nirvana, because we ourselves are always dwelling in nirvana. The wave does not have to look for the water. It already is water. We are one with the ground of our being. Once the wave realizes that she is water all her fear vanishes.” ~ Thich Nhat Hahn
By Debra Basham, on June 10, 2023 I was on retreat and up quite early one morning and I wanted to share so I let myself enjoy the bliss of fingers on the keyboard. I am now home and sending this.
Stacey and John drove out with me on Friday evening so they could see where I would be for the week. I know Stacey felt much better after seeing the precious space. She even said, “Something like this is what we need to build for you guys.” I have spent some time in planning mind imagining what, when, where, and why love might unfold in that direction. But that is not now. We are learning to be here now.
One of my first journal entries was noting that I knew what the closing chant would be before the meditation began. This has been a way spirit has communicated to me for many, many years. In some ways, it is why I started a journal practice almost 60 years ago. If I wrote it down and then it happened I knew I had not made it up.
“This is not a retreat that will lead to awakening — rather, it will uncover your awakened heart, your true nature.”
“Sacred darkness and darkness are the same thing. What makes it sacred is how you respond to it.”
“Practicing skillfully is just our becoming aware of more kindness coming forth; more compassion.”
During walking mediation on opening day I walked the perimeter of the property. I walked around each tree. I thought of the opening lines of the poem “Lost” by David Wagoner:
‘Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here’
As I walked I felt walking in the labyrinth at Emrich, Oakwood, Still Waters… it was not a remembering of walking those labyrinths, not a mental activity at all but a FEELING, an experiencing.
A cousin sent a text message sharing that he had done the havening technique for/on his brother who is with hospice care. His brother had been in such pain he could not sleep. The havening calmed him down and he slept. I wrote back saying we knew when the havening was so helpful for him that he would pass it on. That day he had been able to pass it on to his beloved brother.
I had a flash of John going with me to Still Waters years ago. It was a winter day and John has slipped into his hibernation mode. As we drove there I asked John how a dog knows when it is his day off. We both laughed. On the drive home John told me he had realized how having a leisure day at Still Waters was different from having a leisure day at home: “No guilt.”
It is wonderful to be here.
Aaron talked about his final lifetime, how he felt like a failure. He left the monastery in shame and grief and went to live in the woods. “I felt enormous gratitude for the forest,” he said. I know that feeling. The following morning we were to hug a tree and spend some time listening to the tree. We were encouraged to feel the boundaries fall away. We were to ask the tree, ‘Who am I?’
Barbara shared about having had cellulitis 25 years ago. As she lay in the hospital bed not sure if her leg would have to be amputated, she offered metta for the woman in the next bed whose leg had just been amputated, and for all beings who may have lost a leg to an accident, or war, or disease. She said, “One leg to heal for all.” I sent her sharing to our cousin.
I was very scattered as the retreat began and Sivia picked up on that right away. She so graciously took over the hosting. We actually became very seamless sharing the hosting duties. I am so grateful for this dharma dance we share. That continued throughout the week.
I went out to identify the tree I would spend time with. It was not too far from the patio and it has one trunk that splits into two.
The bark was VERY soft. I have never felt anything like that. As I was focused on appreciating the texture of the bark, I saw a tree frog!It was right at eye level and as I looked more closely, the frog opened its eyes to look directly at me.
I realized the tree was this frog’s home. I complimented the frog on having such a lovely home. I knew I was a visitor and I had great appreciation for the frog’s gracious hospitality. I had never seen a tree frog in a tree but I had a similar experience years ago as small moths would fly up from the grass while I walked at dusk. We co-exist with ALL. Not really co-existing, WE ARE ALL. I AM ALL. YOU ARE ALL.
I remembered the poem, Please Call Me By My True Names, by Thich Nhat Hanh we heard earlier.
Spiritual meaning of frog: cleansers of bad spirits. Ability to heal; songs are magical and contain divine powers.
I asked the tree about the protrusion on the inside of my right ankle, if it was bone cancer. I heard, “No.”
Woodpecker and crow were nearby.
Sunday morning the teaching was about the hindrances: Doubt, clinging and grasping, aversion, agitation and restlessness, sloth and torpor. Sloth is when the body may feel heavy, lethargic, weary, or weak. It may be difficult to keep the body erect while meditating. Torpor means the mind may be dull, cloudy, or weary. One or another of the hindrances may be predominant, but we are told that it is nearly impossible for any hindrance to be alone, that it is a contracted state. We are encouraged to note ‘this is a contracted state’ and be present with it, noticing where it is in the body, not even giving it a name. In my sacred drawing I write, “I greet you with lovingkindness. I honor you. I honor myself for my willingness to feel and release.”
“You are not trying to create compassion. You are compassion.”
“You don’t have to fix yourself.”
I saw a beautiful yellow swallowtail butterfly!
When difficult memories or emotions would come up during a sitting I would acknowledge them with kindness seeing them as something that was still being purified. I walked backwards up and down the hill on the edge of the property. Barbara shared having done a backwards walking meditation with about one hundred people at a dzogchen retreat! You sure have to stay mindful to walk backwards safely.
A fly came in with me from my evening walk. I was totally taken back to our time this past winter when we struggled with flies coming in. Not once did I have compassion for the flies. I truly felt such compassion that this fly could not find its way back out. It finally got into the bathroom so I closed the door and went to bed. I did not see it again. I hope it got out on its own.
The only thing I brought to read was The Flight of the Garuda: The Dzogchen Tradition of Tibetan Buddhism. I opened randomly to Song 13 and read how regardless of what it is, a thought or a memory or a sensation: it is all arising out of conditions and is not me nor mine. Our small group met on Monday. I was wearing the BEE Kind t-shirt my sister Janis gave to me. I stood up so folks could see it. It was a very fun energy to wear all day as we were learning how important that is…. and later in the week I put the shirt over a big pillow and had it beside me.
I noticed the grasping to check John’s CPAP scores and I resisted looking until I was no longer grasping but then THERE WERE NO SCORES! It took a bit to problem solve and discover the app was down. Stacey assured me her dad was alive and well and at coffee. Just as I look up after meditation a squirrel scampers right across the patio.
“Spaciousness is innate.”
“We are this unborn, uncreated, undying.”
“Awaken moment-to-moment with what is arising.”
After the 2:30 meditation I saw hummingbird fly by the patio door. On my 3:45 walk hawk was my companion, and at 4:30 two hawks were circling very loudly!
During the Monday evening dharma talk Barbara led us through the reading of the Mala Recitation. When it was my turn, I read the Five Precepts.
“Where do we look for the Buddha?”
The story about the man who went looking for the Buddha, and ended up spending the night in a barn with a monk. The monk asked if he could help the traveler and the traveler said no, that he was looking for the Buddha. In the morning the monk was gone. The traveler never realized he had spent the night with the Buddha.
“Each time you sit, assume the Buddha is right there with you. The Buddha can never be farther away from you than your own heart. Ask your question as if you were asking the living Buddha. Ask the living Buddha which is right there in your loving heart.”
“When you ask ‘where is joy?’ know there is no duality. To experience sorrow is to touch the whole human experience.”
“Only love dissolves fear.”
“Remember, you are the one who is awake!”
I notice that the hindrances do seem to come as a collage, likely because they are feedback of the heart’s closing.
I notice the subtle thought that I need to conserve, or I might run out of food. I see clearly the habit energy of fear and aversion to not having what I need or want. Past life memories flood in. I won’t go into detail here but this is a very strong karmic stream that I have been with sincere intention working with for over twenty years.
I picked yellow pansies to replace the beautiful purple ones Delcy had left for me on Friday.
The sacred drawing process Laura taught me was a companion on this retreat. It is amazing how much release can happen with crayons and markers or a gel pen.
“What is the unconditioned and why should I care about it?… It is home… It is also the ground out of which distortion, fear, contraction arises. The unconditioned contains all seeming opposites.”
My host left me a four-leaf clover in a sweet little ceramic cup out on the patio table! He could not have known that earlier when I was walking and noticing all of the clover I had the thought, “Never in my life have I found a four leaf clover,” but the holy spirit must have guided him. I slipped a thank you note under the door.
OMG – On my first walking period after Tom left the four leaf clover for me I stepped off the patio and saw a four leaf clover, too! The message seems to be that when I knew I had one I was not trying to find one and I could see what was right there. (See the Sacred Story at https://www.scs-matters.com/four-leaf-clovers/)
I see a heart-shaped ant hill by my patio door and the dental floss in the bathroom waste basket is also in a heart shape. Ginny wrote: Next to the dental floss heart is the number 6. People associate with number 6 are very creative. There is a rise in the level of consciousness and awareness at the same time, which makes you more imaginative than practical. This number can be analogous to love, charm, health, oneness, empathy, destiny.
Everything is created by one’s mind…Everything is the natural form of emptiness, nonexistent and yet apparent, through the magical display of one’s mind…. All the phenomena of Samsara and Nirvana thus are self-display, all all self-display is groundless and empty.
Song 10 in Flight of the Garuda
Samsara and Nirvana have a similar meaning to hell and heaven. It was likely the most excruciating and the most exhilarating retreat in my current awareness. I would say it was a Bardo preview…. more about that in later posts.
By Debra Basham, on June 3, 2023 
Last evening Nancy Green came for dinner. Stacey had driven up from Tennessee the previous day. I have been cooking for days…. all in preparation for my coming on an 8 day Deep Spring Center for Meditation retreat with Barbara Brodsky and John Orr. This retreat will be on Zoom, and I am the volunteer Zoom “host” but I am blessed beyond words to be staying in a very sweet retreat suite at the home of my dear friend, Delcy Kuhlman.
Delcy and Tom owned and operated Still Waters Retreat House for decades. I started going to Still Waters the year Adam was born, 1995. They sold Still Water, and you can take the retreat center out of the picture, but Delcy is still a loving and inspiring spiritual director…. so, here I am in this sacred space.
John and Stacey came to help me unload the van and to see the space. I know they were impressed and touched to see what has been provided. “Living from our Unlimited Essence Through Meditation” is the theme of this retreat, which runs through 1:00 pm on Saturday, June 10.
This is the first time since November of 2019 that I have been away from John other than when one or the other of us was spending the night in the hospital. Every retreat I have attended in the meantime was done with my balancing life at home. This opportunity feels most decadent.
I held back tears on the drive out.
Tears made up of unfulfilled longing for solitude. Tears of concern: what will it be like to have surrendered John’s day-to-day companionship and support to another? The experience of caring for a loved one is a slippery slope. It is easy to lose yourself. Perhaps it is truer to say it is easy to find your true self.
I am grateful to Stacey for coming to be with her dad. This is a first for them, too. I was imagining this post a few days ago and thought I should add, “If you know where the bail money is hidden, stay on high alert this week.”
Just kidding.
Not kidding about the tears, however, so I brought along a box of Ultra Soft Kleenex….
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