Today is my birthday. If you are willing, you may wish to reflect on my birthday post from 2018 about “Corpse Prayer” at https://scs-matters.com/YellowBrickRoad/corpse-prayer/ My birthday posts are not always maudlin, but today I post with a warning: Not For the Faint of Heart.
After having become vigilant about weight back in the Twiggy super thin model days, I maintained 137 pounds for decades. Then after getting up to 147 the winter of 2023 I was able to be stable at 130. This past summer my weight started going down. I had my doctor do some tests along with my annual exam, but nothing showed up and I left for Florida at 125. Still wondering what my birthday ritual would be, yesterday morning early when I weighed myself I tipped the scales below 120, and anxiety set in.
I used a drawing/coloring/writing tool a colleague taught me a few years back and wrote:
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Weight/Wait
All these years, wanting to be thin. Now nervous as the scales show just below 120 pounds. Is something wrong? Am I sick? Will I die?
Of course, we all do. But what am I waiting for? Is it possible to go before your time? Can the mystery be seen by the heart?
The story began long, long ago in 1992 shortly after my dad died. I have a published version of it called Where Moon Go? available for 99 cents, but the gist is that I asked God if my dad was okay where he was. I meant was he in heaven or hell, but I said, “I don’t want you to tell me what you think I want to know, I want to know what’s real.”
Things started happening. As I was driving, the moon would be hidden behind a cloud or a building and I would hear, “It looks like I’m gone, but I am still here.” When I realized this was the answer to my question about my dad, my world view shifted! You don’t have to agree with my experience — always ask your own questions to get to what is real. And that is part of this year’s birthday ritual which began with a text chain that led to my reading Jeremiah 33:3 with my sister and daughter and niece (published in Sacred Stories ).
I did an AI search asking the question, “Do the worlds’ religions think time of death is preordained?” Some interesting stuff there!
As I read through answers from Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, and Buddhism, I begin to pray, “I want to know what’s real about human death, and I don’t want you to tell me what you think I want to know. I want to know what’s real.”
One of my persistent thoughts about a rise in human consciousness and a shift from 3rd density to 5th density is, “What could/would/will human life be like on earth with no fear of death?”
The one-year anniversary of the death of our older sister, Johnnie Sue, is coming up on January 31. That was some of the text chain that led to all of this. She died with no fear of death. So did my friend, Linda Higbee. Both of them lived with a lot of need to control and anxiety, but both of them passed with peace, praise God!
For those who did not go back and read the 2018 birthday blog, here is the “Corpse Prayer” again.
Corpse Prayer
Be not afraid.
I give thanks to god who created all things good.
In christ, all things hold together.
I am not entitled to life without death.
I embrace sacred life.
I embrace sacred death.
I embrace the growing and crumbling in between.
Smile at yourself in the silence…
~ Jarem Sawatsky
I wrote into my journal, “I want to know what’s real about human life on earth without fear of death….”
That afternoon, through myriad emotions, I shared all of this with my sister, Janis, telling her I realize the way to know is to LIVE life without fear of death.
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