“However much concerned I was at the problem of misery in the world, I never let myself get lost in broodings over it. I always held firmly to the thought that each one of us can do a little to bring some portion of it to an end.” ~ Dr. Albert Schweitzer (quotation published by Gratefulness.org)
When Joel and I agreed to comment on our recent viewing of Ty Bollinger’s The Truth About Cancer series in the June 2016 Beyond Mastery Newsletter, what I thought I would be sharing is quite different from where my heart and mind are now. (See The Truth About Cancer.) You see, soon after the series concluded, I began having some very disturbing physical symptoms.
The first call I made about the symptoms that appeared in spades on the afternoon of Sunday, May 1, 2016, was to my good friend, Linda, who is an RN and a healer. It was a relief that her “house call” did not result in a call to 911… Linda’s sense of the emotional meaning of the symptoms was related to my being misunderstood or not feeling understood.
The following morning, I saw another good friend, Leah, a doctor of Chinese medicine and a master of acupuncture. I trust Leah with my life. Literally! In 2012 when I discovered a mass in my abdomen, she was able to provide me with assurance that it was not cancer. I went into surgery with much less apprehension knowing that. She also helped me with postsurgical complications.
Late Monday evening, another colleague/minister friend, Mona, shared her sense of what I was dealing with: “This is a big block of karma. It is in your face to see if you are ready to release it.” On Tuesday morning she helped me symbolically cut any cords and told me to go out into the sunshine and swing.
After my recess on the swing set, I attended restorative yoga and meditation taught by my friend, Kathy. I later met with a client before attending meditation at our St. Joseph Sangha. All of this conscious living—plus EFT (tapping), good diet, clean water, plenty of rest—yielded some alleviation of the symptoms, but not sufficient to lessen the grip of fear that had been triggered by Sunday’s onset of symptoms.
Mostly holding back sheer terror, Tuesday evening, I sent a text message to another friend/colleague, Jane, a Naturopath and Doctor of Homeopathy. I gave Jane permission to do remote muscle testing on me and she was able to hone right in on an emotional trauma that happened five years earlier. She did some energy medicine to help me release that trauma, suggested I eat some strawberries for potassium, and take some Bach Flower Rescue Remedy. Little did I know all of this was being done while Jane was in the crawl space of her home repairing a water leak!
Thursday I was fortunate to work with a very knowledgeable individual, Noreen, at Sawall Health Food in Kalamazoo, who helped me select an appropriate blend of essential oils. The following week, Marjie, a gifted massage therapist friend who works with essential oils, helped me select oils to use three ways: inhalation four times per day; a few drops in a soaking bath once per day; mixed with coconut oil and massaged onto my shoulders and neck three times per day.
Friday morning, I went in to Jane’s office for some additional testing, and Friday at noon I was blessed to an amazingly loving and nurturing massage by Kathy. I was so relaxed, when Kathy left the room I kept waiting for her to come back and do my feet and legs. (She assures me my feet and legs were well loved and nurtured, and I believe her totally!)
Throughout this process, the question of whether I should see a medical doctor was influenced by the fact that I did not have one. I made calls to two offices—both resulted in the same response: “Sorry, but we are not taking new Medicare patients.” So, even though the government has required me to pay for this coverage, doctors don’t have to take me as a patient. I vacillated between feeling righteous indignation about the situation and relief not to be subjected to a system that takes little stock in the facets of healing I resonate with most directly: how the emotional, mental, and spiritual are related to the physical.
The onset of my symptoms came right after I had been a cast member in Listen to Your Mother Southwest Michigan 2016. Thirteen cast members shared original essays related to motherhood. I shared about my having become aware of a sense of not feeling loved or wanted or safe in the womb, and later having news from my mother that she had learned she was pregnant with me and simultaneously discovered she had syphilis. My mother was feeling angry, embarrassed, humiliated, and afraid. Those emotions were what she was processing while I was in the womb, and my central nervous system was affected!
This sky…
This sky where we live
is no place
to lose your wings.
So…
Love, love, love.
~ Hafiz of Persia
Through this healing process, I have felt love—love for and from family, friends, and colleagues. I am so grateful to have such support. My daughter, Stacey, has respected my choices, even while she would have preferred I seek medical attention immediately. I understand, and would never intentionally cause her worry. I want to live long enough for her to have grandchildren and great grandchildren. I was so young when she was born, I can easily do that!
We are all doing the best we can to navigate with wisdom.
This morning I found a timely journal entry from a few years ago. The more I develop the habit of noticing goodness, the more my own sense of well-being rises. The truth of this is palpable to me right now. It is as though I am able to notice how my thoughts, memories, attitudes, and behaviors are instantly not just affecting my experience but actually creating my experience. It is time to notice what is working. It is time to celebrate goodness. It is time to enjoy well-being.
I do not think it was a coincidence these symptoms came on when they did. Many dynamics came together for that to happen. Feelings of frustration about Big Pharma, the industry of cancer treatment, and the rejection of natural healing methodologies have been long standing. Watching The Truth About Cancer triggered decades of my resistance. I have the utmost respect for Ty Bollinger: I purchased the informational set to share with those who will benefit. He did an amazing job of pulling together the science about how you can heal. His intention is to empower you by sharing stories of people who have healed (stage-four cancer of the pancreas totally healthy 20 years after the diagnosis). Every one of the stories focused on how people stimulated their immune system naturally and recovered fully.
It was wonderful to hear so many of the things I know work being mentioned, including essential oils, herbs, and real foods. These are the things that heal us! It was encouraging to know we can not only cure cancer, but also prevent most diseases. Our bodies know how to heal….
When Pat, from Tennessee called, she simply asked, “Has anyone cleared you of attachments?” When I said no one had done that yet, she promptly grabbed her sage, went outside, and began to release what she said was an entourage of spirits as I was smudging myself and my home here. I was not speaking the truth when I told her no one at ER would have done that for me. The truth is, she would have. And many others. Jane Foster‘s doctor told her she needed to find a holistic healer. In 2012 when I had surgery, one of my nurses was the grand daughter of an African Shaman. Consciousness is shifting rapidly. My friend, Dr. Doug Busby, is just publishing his book about spiritual healing (Help from Spirits in Healing). More and more and more we are witnessing this blessed truth.
When I got together with Pat in Tennessee, I knew I was still having symptoms of anxiety. We decided to go to an Urgent Care Clinic to see about some medication. I was very triggered into primitive brain fear, but having Pat with me made a huge difference. The doctor was kind, understanding, thorough, and wrote a prescription for Hydroxyzine, an antihistamine used to treat anxiety. I agreed that a true holistic model takes advantage of whatever is needed, allowing every option worthy of consideration.
I am practicing the healthy way to take medication protocol I suggest folks use when they would really prefer to not have to take drugs. Stacey said, “I always wonder if some of this is to allow you to have a positive experience with Western medicine. It does have a definite value.” Three times the charm, I got in for an appointment with a nurse practitioner. It was a wonderful connection. She was respectful of my journey as I shared it with her, did not push, took my preferences into account, and I am glad to be developing a good relationship with her. This morning I had blood work. I appreciate having access to a true holistic model of care.
The greatest gift for me through this process—there have been many—is the reminder that we cannot think a thought and without having an experience of it. An AA saying goes like this, “The goal isn’t to do a successful inventory. The goal is to dig to the deepest levels of self-honesty.”
I am digging deeply and sharing with you from the core of self-honesty. I had an insurance physical scheduled for Tuesday morning of that week, two days after the symptoms! I did not want to have anything prevent me from having the best rate for a new policy, so I had become fixated on and preoccupied with doing things to control the outcome. However, as is most often (always?) the case, trying to control the outcome held a hidden fearful thought, and by focusing on that fearful thought it had manifested itself.
It is reality that anxiety and panic attacks have “run in” my family. My mother had them. Both of my sisters have had them. Those in our family who have dealt with, or are dealing with, addictions were likely self-medicating that same pattern.
I can have another experience of life. As we heard in The Truth About Cancer: Genes are not destiny. You can notice your thoughts. You can pay attention to how what you are doing is affecting your energy. An experience does not just jump out of nowhere. This morning I listened to Barbara De Angelis sharing about the gift of noticing our own inner process and saying, “That’s it!” It is as though you put your foot down and decide to live a better way. She says, one of the first signs of real transformation is shock. As she says, all shifts have to happen on the inside…
We can stop reacting out of the conditioned. Angelis encourages the use of a simple mantra, “Today, I am going to see what there is to see, to feel what there is to feel, to know what there is to know.” She even said we can change it today to right now: “Right now, I am going to see what there is to see, to feel what there is to feel, to know what there is to know.”
What I know right now is that lots of people have healed their lives and countless have been freed from unpleasant symptoms and unnecessary suffering. Norman Cousins did it. Jane Foster did it. Brandon Bays did it. Anita Moorjani did it. We can all do it.
Right now, I know the symptoms will dissipate as I integrate the healing they came to bring to my life. What we can feel, we can heal. Asking what is real about the symptoms, I drew an Angelic Messenger Card, by Meredith Young-Sowers:
Angelic Messenger Card
#36 Fulfillment (a nourishment card)Present Challenge
Finding lasting nourishment in your involvement with others and your living environment.
You have drawn this card of Fulfillment to help you find renewed enjoyment and support for your life. In trying to keep pace with your busy lifestyle, you may be eating, drinking, and/or working in ways that fail to nourish you. You may be obsessing about your relationships, your future, or your self-worth to the extent that you have ceased to draw love and fulfillment from your environment.
To keep from burning out and to find renewed support for your life, you are being requested to stop and really look, smell, listen, touch, and hear the people in your life and the beauty and spontaneity of the living things in your environment.
One of the powerful guides during this time of amplified process has been my own previous journal entries. I keep finding the perfect confirmations tucked into those entries, and I am again so grateful for the habit of writing. One such timely entry was titled “Be Awe Full” and I will leave you with that:
Look out on life with amazement, not shock. The variety, the diversity, the manner of every person, the beauty amidst the drudgery, the contrasts, the opportunities, the heroism in the lives of ordinary people, your gifts, your talents, your friends – even just one friend – is all awesome. Live in awe, and entertain wonder, and you will be knocking on the door of true love. Don’t kill it with cynicism or criticism, don’t sabotage your life with moaning and complaining. Open the eyes in your head and the eye in your intellect and choose to see the stunning, awesome, diverse beauty of life happening around you right now. Meet it with your heart and you will enrich and be enriched in one single moment.