—Judy Collins
These words by Judy Collins mean more to me now than they might have at some time in the distant past. In fact, it is crystal clear how wounded perspectives from my childhood create my experiences until I see them for what they are. Once seen, I can have compassion for the child I was then, for the adult I am now, and for the relationship between these states of being.
Last month Joel wrote about The Drama Triangle Revisited. Notice how things change when you remember our childhood experiences become a perceptual frame through which we view the current circumstances. In Each Day a New Beginning, Karen Casey writes:
The child within each of us is fragile, but very much alive, and she interprets our experiences before we are even conscious of them. It is our child who may fear new places, unfamiliar people, and strange situations. Our child needs nurturing, the kind she may not have received in the past. We can take her hand, coax her along, let her know she won’t be abandoned. No new place, unfamiliar person, or strange situation need overwhelm her.
Yes, each of us has not only the opportunity but also the responsibility to notice when the frightened parts within our personality have been activated, and to nurture ourselves. With awareness, we are able to hold that inner being. In the words of the song, Gentle, by Karen Drucker, I will be gentle with myself and I will hold myself like a newborn baby child.
Essentially, we are developing spiritual maturity. We discover genuine strength is present within us when we are able to see that frightened state and touch it with tenderness. Compassion allows us to hold that inner child, and the result is a recognition we are safe and secure. By activating your inner adult on behalf of your inner child, we face nothing alone. Together, we can face anything!
This poem (the style is called Senryu) speaks to our amazing ability to transform our lives through awareness:
Anger hides my love
Beneath a trembling heart
Too afraid to let go
Fear masquerading
As righteousness and the truth
Choking off freedom
Compassion still waits
Buried beneath defenses
Ready to spring forth
(Debra Basham 2/17/2015)
Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks have a new book out, Conscious Loving Ever After, and their findings dovetail with the ideas in this newsletter:
For example, through repeated unresolved conflict, many people become entrenched in thinking of themselves as victims and the other person(s) as villains. If the perception of oneself as a victim goes on long enough, it can obscure a fact that is dazzlingly obvious usually to everyone else: I got to where I am through a succession of choices.(p. 149)
Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa says it this way, “Do not be small minded. Do not pray for gourds and pumpkins from God, when you should be asking for pure love and pure knowledge to dawn within every heart.” This makes me think about holding the intention for all living beings to come to awareness of these earlier (less skillful) states being triggered, so we can bring spiritual maturity to the interactions of our current lives.
As my mind was mulling over this article, today’s thought from the Brahma Kumaris World Spiritual Organization popped in:
To change the focus from negative to positive is to create hope. Our normal conversations and interactions are full of negativity, whether we are aware of this or not. So without our conscious knowledge, we develop a negative approach to life. It is important for me to be aware when my conversations with others becomes negative. I need to make a conscious change to start being more positive, and appreciate what life gives me. So much good in my life goes unnoticed. When I focus in the positive it creates an environment of enthusiasm for the future that effects everyone around me.
Yes, you can see that these perceptual frames from childhood experiences can have a bent toward negative evaluation, and it can take a strong intention to turn that around. Leon Festinger, a Stanford University professor of psychology, studied the influence of strong beliefs on behavior. Values and other strong beliefs can be difficult to change, but the language we use will indicate the structure of the problem and tell us where to start to change problematic beliefs that are affecting our lives. The words we speak represent the linguistic surface structure. Underlying the surface structure is the linguistic deep structure. Underlying the deep structure is our experience, probably from our childhood.
I am grateful I am learning to love the child that was me. It takes commitment and courage, but it is worth both.