Drawing on my fine command
of the language,
I said nothing.
Robert Benchle
Years ago I won a Valentine’s Day poetry contest that was sponsored by our local radio station. I regret to say I did not save the poem, but I remember that the theme was based on conversation hearts.
It began with, “My husband is like conversation hearts. He is a man of few words, but every message is straight from the heart.”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all of our relationships were always straight from the heart….
Most are complicated. We bring with us to our current one ALL of the history from previous relationships—including the most formative of all: the relationship with our parents.
NLP offers some very helpful insights to understanding our relationships, whether for work, play, pleasure or pain.
If you have previously studied with Joel and me, you likely are already familiar with the common metaprograms. Each operates beneath the level of conscious awareness, thereby having unintended (and often unwanted) influence.
For example, I sent Joel an email message with a link to a Zoom meeting. While I have used the Zoom platform as an attendee many times, I am new to being a host. He logged in while I was not online.
Finally we Zoomed into the same place at the same time.
Success!
During our initial Zoom, I mentioned still needing to practice hosting a meeting at a previously scheduled time. I decided it made sense to go ahead and schedule that while we were both at home on our computers. I sent him a second link for logging in to a predetermined meeting, about 45 minutes later. Joel’s email response was, “I don’t want to do that now. It seems too much like a repetition of what we just did. Tomorrow is another day….”
I watched my mind. I felt my feelings. I took a breath. I was able to see that from his point of view another Zoom meeting at 4:00 pm would be the same. He would just click on the link.
From my point of view, however, the scheduled meeting was different. I had another goal: the goal of going through the mechanics of scheduling a meeting, sending a link, having an attendee log in, and seeing what I needed to do on my end. This difference in our point of view resulted in something that at the time of this writing is still experienced as an unmet need.
Joel does not like to use video or audio. His stated preferred method of communication is email. Out of respect for both of us, I will recruit someone else to help me with Part B of my Zoom learning curve. Fortunately, I do have a good friend who uses Zoom for her coaching business all the time. She might be willing.
Although NLP does not have a specific spiritual application, SCS/NLP has always included the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual components into every presentation. One of the most important foundations for healthy relating is spiritual: our intention and our highest purpose. While I had an immediate intention of learning to operate the Zoom platform, l more importantly have a highest purpose. We are always being influenced by that highest purpose, so it is good to have a clear sense of what yours is.
A popular mnemonic is THINK. Before you speak, ask yourself, “Is it True; is it Helpful; is it Inspiring; is it Necessary; is it Kind?” The kindest action at that moment when Joel expressed his preference to not do the scheduled 4:00 pm Zoom meeting was to do what I did: I expressed my genuine appreciation for the help he had already provided.
Whenever you are confronted with a perceived unmet need, the more awareness you can bring to the conditions, the better. One of our favorite teachers about relationships is The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. This 1997 book spent eight years on the New York Times bestseller list for a reason.
Over six million copies were sold during that time.
These four guiding principles are really important to live by:
Be Impeccable With Your Word – Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Don’t Take Anything Personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Don’t Make Assumptions – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Always Do Your Best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.
Perhaps I should write a Valentine’s poem about that….