Everyone has rules, but we don’t all have the same ones. Someone might break rules about speed limits on the highway but follow rules about seatbelt and turn-signal use. Someone else might obey speed limits and ignore rules about seatbelts and turn signals.
To complicate matters, people aren’t always consistent about who should follow which rules when. Some people are comfortable following their own rules while allowing others to decide rules for themselves. Others hold the belief, “My rules for me; my rules for you; my rules for everyone.” Relationship and societal problems often result because of a lack of understanding what is involved with rules.
In interpersonal—and intercultural—relationships, different ideas about rules account for a great deal of misunderstanding and conflict. Some rules (such as not killing or stealing) are relatively universal and developed for good reason. Others (such as which side of the street to drive on) are arbitrary but well-accepted. We have personal rules, such as using a bookmark rather than “dog-earing” pages in a book. If not dog-earing is your rule, and you lend a book to a friend who thinks that dog-earing is more convenient than using a bookmark, you can see the conflict coming.
Most rules, however, remain below the level of conscious awareness until conflict about them arises. Most people simply assume that others will follow the same rules that they do. If you are old enough to have been taught the “proper” way to hold a pen or pencil while writing, seeing others write using an “incorrect” grip may cause you to cringe.
What were you taught about the proper behavior for interactions between health care providers and clients or patients? Is your rule to address patients by their first names, while they are to address you as “Dr. So & So?” How do you feel when that’s not their rule? Is it your rule to not get personally involved in the name of keeping a professional distance, while expecting him or her to share intimate details?
Some rules are, of course, important for both doctors and those who see them professionally to follow. In most relationships, and especially in professional relationships, it is important to understand and communicate the reason for the rule. A native shaman will most likely have different rules than a New York psychiatrist. An emergency medical technician will have different rules than a family practitioner. In general, people do better when they know what the rules are and why they are important. And it is always important to remember that most rules are context specific, rather than universally applicable.
Send your questions about how other-than-conscious communication skills can hurt or help your patients and clients to Joel P. Bowman (Joel@SCS-Matters.com) or Debra Basham (Debra@SCS-Matters.com), co-developers of Subtle Communication Systems. We will provide answers to those for you. For more information about Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP), Hypnosis or Hypnotherapy, or about the Imagine Healing Process, visit:http://ImagineHealing.info or http://SurgicalSupport.info.
Healing with Language: Your Key to Effective Mind-Body Communication is available for a limited time for $10 plus $5 shipping within the U.S. For volume orders and overseas shipping, check with Debra. See the Table of Contents and List of Exercises in PDF format for more information about this comprehensive text and training manual.