It is pretty much a guarantee that we will encounter experiences that are disappointing or even sometimes downright cruel. Forgiveness, as it turns out, is good for our health. In fact, not forgiving keeps us in a fight-or-flight state, which can raise both heart rate and blood pressure. Being able to genuinely forgive another decreases your stress.
To help us all be healthier, here is a list of ten steps to forgiveness:
1. Understand what forgiveness will and will not do for you. Forgiving someone who has hurt you will not make that person sorry for what they did. It will not satisfy a taste of revenge for you. Forgiveness will not force the perpetrator to admit they were wrong. True forgiveness will not grant you a sense of superiority over the person who has wronged you.
What forgiveness will do is break the shackles that bind you to the perpetrator. It will release the pain and anger that is churning, seething inside you. It will release the power that you allow him to have over you, the power to dictate your happiness. It will bring you peace, joy, freedom. Forgiveness will release the past and allow you to live in the present. It will give you clear vision.
2. Forgiveness is not acceptance. It does not ignore the inappropriate behavior. It does not condone or excuse the behavior. Forgiveness also does not condemn the doer. We forgive the doer not the doing. It does not require that the person deserves to know they have wronged you. And, forgiveness is not a quid pro quo; it doesn’t demand compensation first.
3. Give up the role of victim. Understand that by forgiving, you are releasing them from the responsibility of your pain and anger. You will have to give up the role of victim, of “being right” by making them “wrong.” You will have to give up the grudge. Realize that you are the only person responsible for your own feelings and for healing the hurt that is inside of you.
4. Make a list of what you need to forgive. Be complete and accurate. Don’t embellish the facts. What was actually done that caused your pain? Be specific. It’s easy to blame the perpetrator for all your discomfort, all your problems.
5. Acknowledge your part. Did you allow the situation to escalate to a point where you hurt? Could you or should you have left before the situation got out of hand? Did you stay in a relationship because you thought you could change the perpetrator? If so, then you bear some of the responsibility for what happened. This is not excusing the person for what they did. It is taking you out of the role of helpless victim.
6. Find a new way to think about the person who wronged you. What was his/her life like growing up? What was his/her life like at the time of the offense? What were the person’s good points up to the time of the incident? Understand that we are all human, and, all desire to be loved, and to love. It is who we are! If someone has hurt you, it was a misguided action, as result of their own fears and insecurities. Remember, they are facing their own demons.
In the case of a parent, remember they are not perfect. Remember, no matter how bad it might have been for you, they loved you with all the love they were able to give. No parent intentionally withholds love! If you didn’t receive enough love from them, it’s not your fault. What is your fault is holding on to the pain, refusing to release the hurt. They loved you as much as they could, as much as they were capable of at the time. Make a list of all the person’s attributes. Include incidents of love, kindness, and affection. Make the list as detailed as possible.
7. Write a feeling letter. This letter is in three parts. One is the feeling letter itself, the next is a response letter, and the third is a forgiveness letter. All three are equally important. In the first letter(feeling), write about your feelings of anger, fear, sadness, and pain. Do not pull any punches! Pour out exactly how you are feeling about them. But, also include anything that you have gained from the relationship. Remember, include all feelings, good and bad.
Next, write a response letter. This letter is from them to you. You will write the response you would like to hear/have heard from them if their heart had been open. They will write a letter to you, saying what you wanted to hear from them.
Lastly, you will write a forgiveness letter from you to them. This will be the shortest letter. Just a few sentences, expressing your forgiveness. Releasing them from the responsibility of your feelings. If possible, expressing love from one human to another. Do not send the letters.
8. Have a funeral. Create a ceremony or ritual in which you release all of the lists and letters. You may put them in a “casket” and bury them. Perhaps, burn them and scatter the ashes. Create your own form of ritualized separation. This ritual will finalize the process and release all of the energy of the pain.
9. Find the “good” in the relationship. Silently, offer gratitude, or thanks to the person for whatever lessons you have received. As hard as it may seem, you have grown as a result of their actions. It’s up to you whether you grow towards love and compassion, or towards fear. Find the path to Love. Know at this point it is over! To dredge the situation up again in your mind is to give power over you back to the one who harmed you. Whenever the memory of the offender or the offense surfaces in your mind, bless them or it briefly. Be thankful for the lessons learned and the growth experienced. Then direct your thought to peace and well-being.
10. Discover Peace. Focus your newly freed energy on peace, freedom, and joy. This is your natural state of being. Find the venue that puts you back in alignment with your Source, whatever name you give it. Thus, you will discover the paradox of forgiveness; as we give to others the gifts of mercy, forgiveness, generosity, and Love, we ourselves are healed and enriched with the same gifts.
This week, give yourself the greatest gift of all: forgive everyone for everything. It offers great health benefits of body, mind, and spirit.
This health tip originally appeared online at https://scs-matters.com/
Greatest-Gift/. Send email or call or text to schedule a private session with Debra.
Tips from 5 April 2010 to 6 August 2012 are here: Archived Tips
 |
Rev.Debra Basham
Voice or text: (269) 921-2217 Email or Text: debra@scs-matters.com https://scs-matters.com http://ImagineHealing.info http://SurgicalSupport.info Small Changes … Infinite Results™
“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” ~ |