You, You, You…

This blog is brought to you by a reminder notice from my dentist:

We would like to remind you
that time has been reserved
for your next appointment on

  Mon, 02/07/11 at 10:00 am.
      We look forward to seeing you then!

WE WELCOME NEW PATIENTS

From the standpoint of business communication, the reminder contains a number of problems, but what really caught my attention is what in NLP would be called a failure to adopt second position.

In business communication, second position is usually called the you-attitude or the you-viewpoint. The writer is supposed to think in terms of what “things” look like (sound like, feel like) from the other person’s perspective. The reminder notice has three sentences, and all three begin with we, indicating that each has the writer’s perspective in mind. The writer (undoubtedly not my dentist but a nameless employee at a “help for dentists” company) manages to convey the most important information of day and time for the appointment but does so without much recognition of the “second position,” which sees things from the reader’s point of view.

Adopting a “you-attitude” isn’t that difficult. The first rule is to use “you” sentences rather than those beginning with “I” or “we.” Your next appointment is…. Effective use of the “you-attitude” in communication also requires at least an inkling of NLP’s “second position.” What does a dental appointment look like (sound like, feel like) from the patient’s point of view? The writer of reminder notices needs to think in terms of what people actually want from their dental appointments. There is, after all, a reason people need reminding to keep their appointments. The first thought in most people’s minds is of a mouth held open for too long, lots of junk and probing fingers, and perhaps unpleasant conversations about brushing, flossing, and the need for drilling and filling….

Adopting the second position of NLP would lead to thinking about what makes the visit worthwhile in spite of the “downside” to time in a dentist’s chair: whiter teeth, fresher breath, healthy gums, a mouth worth kissing, reduced need for future dental work, and other benefits that might make the trip to the dentist seem like a worthwhile investment—time well spent.

Because such notices are automated and are cranked by the hundreds if not millions by dental services everywhere, a good one costs no more to send than a bad one.

Your next appointment for whiter teeth, fresher breath,
healthy gums, and a mouth worth kissing is

  Mon, 02/07/11 at 10:00 am.

If you need to change your appointment, please call.
Your dental health is important, and we’re glad to help.

Tell your friends to call for better dental health.
We’ll be glad to help them, too.

Second position also has subtleties not immediately evident in the above discussion. Note the phrasing in the original note, “We would like to remind you.” If you “would like to” do something, you haven’t actually done it. I would, for example, like to play power forward on an NBA team. I think that would be a lot of fun and a great way to make a humongous salary. But … no matter how much I would like to play power forward on an NBA team, I’m not likely to be offered the job. Rather than liking to remind, tell, or invite, just do it:

Avoid saying: I would like to remind you….
Say this: Your next appointment….

Avoid saying: I would like to tell you….
Say this: You’ll be glad to know….

Avoid saying: I would like to invite you….
Say this: You’re invited….

NLP’s concept of “second position” goes beyond the “you attitude” of business communication. It is perfectly possible to maintain a “first position” (essentially self-centered) viewpoint while using the “you attitude.” A salesperson might say, for example, “Here’s how you’ll benefit from buying a widget today…” while completely focused on making the sale. Second position is a more difficult, more empathic perspective. It requires the individual to adopt the perspective of the other person—to see, hear, and feel what the situation seems like from that point of view. Second and third position are often adopted only in retrospect.

You have a disagreement with someone. After it’s over, you take a moment to review the disagreement from the other person’s perspective. What did you look and sound like from the other person’s point of view? What were his or her physical sensations while you were disagreeing? You can also assume third position. What would a third person, a silent witness, have noticed while watching the two of you embroiled in the disagreement? Having multiple perspectives may sound complicated, but your unconscious mind “records” it all, so it is easier to expand your perspective than you might have guessed.

As you review a conversation from second and third position, you may notice aspects of nonverbal communication that you missed in the heat of the discussion. Even though your mental recording won’t be completely accurate (remember our old “frenemies,” deletion, distortion, and unwarranted generalizations), you will remember enough to be able to use your changes in perspective to learn more about the communication. You may need to practice some to feel confident that you have actually been observing from second and third position, but with a little practice, you’ll be able to switch positions in the middle of a discussion. (It’s a lot easier than switching horses in midstream….)

You may be surprised at how much easier the process becomes with practice, and you may also be surprised at how quickly you improve your ability to notice the subtle cues for like/dislike, yes/no, and recall/construction and the key words that reveal values and core beliefs. I suspect that you’ll have a lot of fun with this, won’t you….