If you are old enough, you can doubtless remember the rhyme from childhood about the hearse going by: The hearse goes by, the hearse goes by…. I couldn’t find the version I learned in childhood, but all the versions I saw online are highly similar. The main point is that death is the great equalizer. Everyone eventually ends up dead. In the version I learned, you were buried under the “moss and peat.” That suggests that the version I learned originated in pre-Medieval England, where dead bodies were often left in the abundant peat bogs. For our ancestors, the awareness of death was ever-present, and most people—at least those who didn’t die in battle—died at home in the presence of their families.
My first awareness of death was when I was in high school. An older classmate died in an auto accident. He wasn’t someone I knew well, and he certainly wouldn’t have known me. He was, however, relatively well-known in the school and was as close to the James Dean character in “Rebel without a Cause” as a kid could be. His death took all of us by surprise and was the main topic of conversation during our lunch break for several days. And then, for most of us, life went on, and the topics of conversation returned to the superficial realities of high school life. Death retreated into the distant unknown. We were young and invincible, and most of us had parents and grandparents who were still relatively young and healthy. To the best of my knowledge, no one had older relatives at home in the process of dying.
I’m not sure when things changed. World Wars I and II may have started the process of moving death out of homes and into hospitals. Advances in medicine also played a role. As new medical procedures made it increasingly possible to correct problems that in previous times would have made death inevitable, people increasingly expected “miracles” for themselves and their loved ones. Recoveries that once would have been deemed miraculous have become relatively commonplace. In general, that’s a good thing. The associated problems are that people—patients, doctors, and family members—spend too much time trying to preserve life at all costs, and death becomes “the enemy” rather than the natural end of life. Not long ago, I had a conversation with a friend who is a cardiologist. He had lost a patient earlier in the day. I said, “Death is not always the enemy.” His response was, “In my profession, it is.”
Although attitudes have been changing (see New guidelines may encourage end-of-life discussions), we’re still a long way from feeling comfortable talking about end-of-life matters. As a result, people often fail to communicate their desires for end-of-life care. Some still die without a will, and some linger for months and perhaps years in hospitals kept “alive” only with the assistance of machines. And a radical (and really rich) few want to be frozen at the time of clinical death so they can be restored to life and health when a cure for whatever they died of can be found. Cryonics is probably the ultimate denial of death. It may also be the ultimate expression of fear of death.
Because death is real, we do well to recognize its reality and prepare for it as best we can. At a minimum, have a will and keep it current. Take care of any and all business that can be taken care of. In recent years, making sure that important bills will continue to be paid even when you can’t write checks has been made easier by automatic bank transfers. And make sure your family knows your end-of-life desires. My parents both wanted to be cremated and to have their ashes scattered over the Pacific Ocean. The main thing is to know what you want and to communicate your desire to those who will be responsible for ensuring that your desires are met.
Also make sure that your children or other family members who will increasingly be responsible for communicating your desires to others are familiar with your options for end-of-life care. I have been fortunate to know a number people who work in one hospice organization or another and, as a result of our conversations, have become increasingly aware of end-of-life processes. For example, you and your family members need to know about Near-Death Experiences and Nearing Death Awareness. One of the best-known examples of Nearing Death Awareness is the conversation Sam Kinison had just before dying:
At first it looked like there were no serious injuries to Kinison, but within minutes he suddenly said to no one in particular “I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.” LaBove later said “it was as if he was having a conversation, talking to some unseen somebody else” some unseen person. Then there was a pause as if Kinison was listening to the other person speak. Then he asked “But why?” and after another pause LaBove heard him clearly say: “Okay, Okay, Okay.’ LaBove said: “The last ‘Okay’ was so soft and at peace…Whatever voice was talking to him gave him the right answer and he just relaxed with it. He said it so sweet, like he was talking to someone he loved.” Kinson then lost consciousness.
Whether you consider such experiences “mere hallucinations” or “real encounters” with those “beyond the veil,” the important thing is to recognize that they occur. If your dying relative tells you that your dead “Uncle Fred” stopped by for a visit, asking about the conversation is more helpful than saying, “You know that’s not possible. Uncle Fred has been dead for years….” When you know that NDEs and NDAs are common, it is easier to be more respectful of the process, whether the process is your own or someone else’s.
While most of us have ample warning of death as it approaches, many do not. Auto accidents, plane crashes, earthquakes, weather anomalies, and a variety of other events can catch people by surprise. However old you are, it’s important for you to decide what you want when you die and to make your wishes known to those you will be leaving behind. It’s also important for you to know what those for whom you will be responsible when they are approaching life’s end want for themselves. Meanwhile, we have constant reminders as the hearse goes by, the hearse goes by….
