The Theme of Home

I was on retreat and up quite early one morning and I wanted to share so I let myself enjoy the bliss of fingers on the keyboard. I am now home and sending this.

Stacey and John drove out with me on Friday evening so they could see where I would be for the week. I know Stacey felt much better after seeing the precious space. She even said, “Something like this is what we need to build for you guys.” I have spent some time in planning mind imagining what, when, where, and why love might unfold in that direction. But that is not now. We are learning to be here now.

One of my first journal entries was noting that I knew what the closing chant would be before the meditation began. This has been a way spirit has communicated to me for many, many years. In some ways, it is why I started a journal practice almost 60 years ago. If I wrote it down and then it happened I knew I had not made it up.

“This is not a retreat that will lead to awakening — rather, it will uncover your awakened heart, your true nature.”

“Sacred darkness and darkness are the same thing. What makes it sacred is how you respond to it.”

“Practicing skillfully is just our becoming aware of more kindness coming forth; more compassion.”

During walking mediation on opening day I walked the perimeter of the property. I walked around each tree. I thought of the opening lines of the poem “Lost” by David Wagoner:

‘Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here’

As I walked I felt walking in the labyrinth at Emrich, Oakwood, Still Waters… it was not a remembering of walking those labyrinths, not a mental activity at all but a FEELING, an experiencing.

A cousin sent a text message sharing that he had done the havening technique for/on his brother who is with hospice care. His brother had been in such pain he could not sleep. The havening calmed him down and he slept. I wrote back saying we knew when the havening was so helpful for him that he would pass it on. That day he had been able to pass it on to his beloved brother.

I had a flash of John going with me to Still Waters years ago. It was a winter day and John has slipped into his hibernation mode. As we drove there I asked John how a dog knows when it is his day off. We both laughed. On the drive home John told me he had realized how having a leisure day at Still Waters was different from having a leisure day at home: “No guilt.”

It is wonderful to be here.

Aaron talked about his final lifetime, how he felt like a failure. He left the monastery in shame and grief and went to live in the woods. “I felt enormous gratitude for the forest,” he said. I know that feeling. The following morning we were to hug a tree and spend some time listening to the tree. We were encouraged to feel the boundaries fall away. We were to ask the tree, ‘Who am I?’

Barbara shared about having had cellulitis 25 years ago. As she lay in the hospital bed not sure if her leg would have to be amputated, she offered metta for the woman in the next bed whose leg had just been amputated, and for all beings who may have lost a leg to an accident, or war, or disease. She said, “One leg to heal for all.” I sent her sharing to our cousin.

I was very scattered as the retreat began and Sivia picked up on that right away. She so graciously took over the hosting. We actually became very seamless sharing the hosting duties. I am so grateful for this dharma dance we share. That continued throughout the week.

I went out to identify the tree I would spend time with. It was not too far from the patio and it has one trunk that splits into two.

The bark was VERY soft. I have never felt anything like that. As I was focused on appreciating the texture of the bark, I saw a tree frog!It was right at eye level and as I looked more closely, the frog opened its eyes to look directly at me.

I realized the tree was this frog’s home. I complimented the frog on having such a lovely home. I knew I was a visitor and I had great appreciation for the frog’s gracious hospitality. I had never seen a tree frog in a tree but I had a similar experience years ago as small moths would fly up from the grass while I walked at dusk. We co-exist with ALL. Not really co-existing, WE ARE ALL. I AM ALL. YOU ARE ALL.

I remembered the poem, Please Call Me By My True Names, by Thich Nhat Hanh we heard earlier.

Spiritual meaning of frog: cleansers of bad spirits. Ability to heal; songs are magical and contain divine powers.

I asked the tree about the protrusion on the inside of my right ankle, if it was bone cancer. I heard, “No.”

Woodpecker and crow were nearby.

Sunday morning the teaching was about the hindrances: Doubt, clinging and grasping, aversion, agitation and restlessness, sloth and torpor. Sloth is when the body may feel heavy, lethargic, weary, or weak. It may be difficult to keep the body erect while meditating. Torpor means the mind may be dull, cloudy, or weary. One or another of the hindrances may be predominant, but we are told that it is nearly impossible for any hindrance to be alone, that it is a contracted state. We are encouraged to note ‘this is a contracted state’ and be present with it, noticing where it is in the body, not even giving it a name. In my sacred drawing I write, “I greet you with lovingkindness. I honor you. I honor myself for my willingness to feel and release.”

“You are not trying to create compassion. You are compassion.”

“You don’t have to fix yourself.”

I saw a beautiful yellow swallowtail butterfly!

When difficult memories or emotions would come up during a sitting I would acknowledge them with kindness seeing them as something that was still being purified. I walked backwards up and down the hill on the edge of the property. Barbara shared having done a backwards walking meditation with about one hundred people at a dzogchen retreat! You sure have to stay mindful to walk backwards safely.

A fly came in with me from my evening walk. I was totally taken back to our time this past winter when we struggled with flies coming in. Not once did I have compassion for the flies. I truly felt such compassion that this fly could not find its way back out. It finally got into the bathroom so I closed the door and went to bed. I did not see it again. I hope it got out on its own.

The only thing I brought to read was The Flight of the Garuda: The Dzogchen Tradition of Tibetan Buddhism. I opened randomly to Song 13 and read how regardless of what it is, a thought or a memory or a sensation: it is all arising out of conditions and is not me nor mine. Our small group met on Monday. I was wearing the BEE Kind t-shirt my sister Janis gave to me. I stood up so folks could see it. It was a very fun energy to wear all day as we were learning how important that is…. and later in the week I put the shirt over a big pillow and had it beside me.

I noticed the grasping to check John’s CPAP scores and I resisted looking until I was no longer grasping but then THERE WERE NO SCORES! It took a bit to problem solve and discover the app was down. Stacey assured me her dad was alive and well and at coffee. Just as I look up after meditation a squirrel scampers right across the patio.

“Spaciousness is innate.”

“We are this unborn, uncreated, undying.”

“Awaken moment-to-moment with what is arising.”

After the 2:30 meditation I saw hummingbird fly by the patio door. On my 3:45 walk hawk was my companion, and at 4:30 two hawks were circling very loudly!

During the Monday evening dharma talk Barbara led us through the reading of the Mala Recitation. When it was my turn, I read the Five Precepts.

“Where do we look for the Buddha?”

The story about the man who went looking for the Buddha, and ended up spending the night in a barn with a monk. The monk asked if he could help the traveler and the traveler said no, that he was looking for the Buddha. In the morning the monk was gone. The traveler never realized he had spent the night with the Buddha.

“Each time you sit, assume the Buddha is right there with you. The Buddha can never be farther away from you than your own heart. Ask your question as if you were asking the living Buddha. Ask the living Buddha which is right there in your loving heart.”

“When you ask ‘where is joy?’ know there is no duality. To experience sorrow is to touch the whole human experience.”

“Only love dissolves fear.”

“Remember, you are the one who is awake!”

I notice that the hindrances do seem to come as a collage, likely because they are feedback of the heart’s closing.

I notice the subtle thought that I need to conserve, or I might run out of food. I see clearly the habit energy of fear and aversion to not having what I need or want. Past life memories flood in. I won’t go into detail here but this is a very strong karmic stream that I have been with sincere intention working with for over twenty years.

I picked yellow pansies to replace the beautiful purple ones Delcy had left for me on Friday.

The sacred drawing process Laura taught me was a companion on this retreat. It is amazing how much release can happen with crayons and markers or a gel pen.

“What is the unconditioned and why should I care about it?… It is home… It is also the ground out of which distortion, fear, contraction arises. The unconditioned contains all seeming opposites.”

My host left me a four-leaf clover in a sweet little ceramic cup out on the patio table! He could not have known that earlier when I was walking and noticing all of the clover I had the thought, “Never in my life have I found a four leaf clover,” but the holy spirit must have guided him. I slipped a thank you note under the door.

OMG – On my first walking period after Tom left the four leaf clover for me I stepped off the patio and saw a four leaf clover, too! The message seems to be that when I knew I had one I was not trying to find one and I could see what was right there. (See the Sacred Story at https://www.scs-matters.com/four-leaf-clovers/)

I see a heart-shaped ant hill by my patio door and the dental floss in the bathroom waste basket is also in a heart shape. Ginny wrote: Next to the dental floss heart is the number 6. People associate with number 6 are very creative. There is a rise in the level of consciousness and awareness at the same time, which makes you more imaginative than practical. This number can be analogous to love, charm, health, oneness, empathy, destiny.

Everything is created by one’s mind…Everything is the natural form of emptiness, nonexistent and yet apparent, through the magical display of one’s mind…. All the phenomena of Samsara and Nirvana thus are self-display, all all self-display is groundless and empty.

Song 10 in Flight of the Garuda

Samsara and Nirvana have a similar meaning to hell and heaven. It was likely the most excruciating and the most exhilarating retreat in my current awareness. I would say it was a Bardo preview…. more about that in later posts.