is that they know what matters,
but they don’t choose it.”
— Sue Monk Kidd
I was sharing with a precious friend about how her current role as a caregiver for her husband is similar to a mom’s taking care of an infant. The aura of the person being cared for is dependent upon the aura of the caregiver. If the mom is anxious, angry, exhausted, or frustrated, the baby reacts, because they are essentially sharing an aura. This also occurs at the other end of life….
I heard myself say to her, “We spend most of our lives believing that we have to sacrifice ourselves for those we love, only to come to understand that the most loving thing we can do for those we love is to take good care of ourselves.”
I spent several hours online with some amazing folks in North Carolina who work for an organization called Reintegration Support Network, “RSN is an emerging project that aims to provide continuing assistance to young people who have successfully completed substance abuse treatment programs*. It seeks to provide a sobriety-oriented support structure to increase chances of continued sobriety.”
The aim is to be heart-centered and genuinely present in a transformation way with those who have suffered the pain of addiction. Of course, this hits very close to home for me with my nephew, and dear friends who have adult sons still working through the damage that can be done to lives by substance abuse. We are not alone, millions worldwide are touched….
One of the men online, Will, is now the RSN Volunteer & Outreach Coordinator. He previously spent 25 years in prison. The most recent newsletter says this about him: William took this time to grow, getting his GED and reading hundreds of books while mentoring troubled youth.
None of these words fully express what I felt from Will. His compassion obviously has come as a direct result of having grown from his own pain.
The facilitator of the gathering had the group do a distant healing for my nephew. As part of that, each participant was instructed to “go inside” and receive a message.
Each message was precious. I made notes and my sister will share those with him. He is being released again on Monday.
This was Will’s message: “The pressure is not real. It’s an illusion.”
All this brings to mind a handout about our growth from dependency to being at choice I created for a 2004 workshop series called RX Gratitude.
Dependent: “I can’t do it alone.”
Thought virus: “I CAN’T do this.”
“If you don’t do this for me, you don’t love me.”
“If you do this for me, you love me.”
Result: Leaves the individual with the perception that love is conditional.
Positive intent: Survival
Emotions range from helpless to trusting
Counter Dependent: “I will find a way to do it alone.”
Thought virus: “I WON’T depend on anyone.”
“Others cannot be trusted.”
“Needing help is a sign of weakness or deficiency.”
Result: Leaves the individual with the perception that love is risky.
Positive intent: Determination
Emotions range from anger to optimism
Independent: “I can do it alone.”
Thought virus: “I MIGHT not ask for help.”
“If I refuse to let you help me, you will feel bad.”
“If I let you help me, I am denying the truth.”
Result: Leaves the individual with the perception that love is sacrifice.
Positive intent: Confidence
Emotions range from sadness to triumph
Interdependent: “I cannot do it alone because I cannot be alone.”
Thought virus: “I CAN be responsible.”
“If I am responsible, you are not.”
“Even if I am responsible, I cannot feel a sense of accomplishment because I know others are responsible too.”
Result: Leaves the individual with a perception that love is self-denying.
Positive intent: Connection
Emotions range from rebellion to optimism
Choice: “I WILL choose to experience this any way I wish knowing that my experience (map) does not dictate what is (territory).”
“Whatever happens, I will survive.”
“I may not win, but I cannot lose, because every experience produces learning.”
Result: Leaves the individual with the perception that they are supported.
Positive intent: Sovereignty
Emotions range from peace to bliss
It seems this post should close with another Sue Monk Kidd quotation, reminding us of the importance of genuine self love. From Traveling With Pomegranates: A Mother-Daughter Story:
“My children have always existed at the deepest center of me, right there in the heart/hearth, but I struggled with the powerful demands of motherhood, chafing sometimes at the way they pulled me away from my separate life, not knowing how to balance them with my unwieldy need for solitude and creative expression.”
Now that is sovereignty….
