Mother love is not the same thing as smother love. This morning I saw this quotation that says it best: “A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.” (Dorothy Canfield Fisher) This week when I rode my bike to Riverview Park I was delighted to come upon this mother goose and her fuzzy little goslings. What a wonderful sight! I was very thankful she allowed me to get close enough to get this photo.
My friend Byron Stock, had this quotation on his weekly tip that I received a few moments ago: “Mothers have as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations, as all other causes combined.” (John Abbott)
Betty Lue Lieber wrote in her Happy Mother’s Day Loving Reminders, “All of us have a birth mother and sometimes many who nurture and nourish us.”
Years ago, when I was teaching personality courses, one of my favorite tools was an exercise called the Parental Review, from The Celestine Prophecy: An Experiential Guide, by James Redfield and Carol Adrienne. These notes are from the section called Observing the Feminine Teacher (Your Mother). Today may be a perfect time for you to reflect on your own mother, or those others who have nurtured and nourished you.
Observing the Feminine Teacher (Your Mother)
The role of the feminine in our lives is to help us relate to others. Generally, but not always, it is our mother who shows us how to connect with our ability to heal, comfort, and nurture others. If you did not relate well to your mother, you might have difficulty with intimate relationships or lack the ability to nurture yourself properly. A feeling of deprivation around the mother might even underlie such behavior as overspending or underearning. The feminine is the creator of your goals and reveals what has heart and meaning for you.
Work Accomplishment
1. What type(s) of work or activities did your mother do when you were young?
2. Do you think she felt fulfilled in her activities?
3. In what way did she excel?
Affirmative Self-Expression
4. List positive words that best describe your mother (e.g., intelligent, creative, loving, etc.)
5. What one or two words best describe her personality?
6. What was unique about her?
Negative Self-Expression
7. List words that describe any negative traits in your mother (e.g., strict, insecure, opinionated, etc.).
8. What triggered negative behavior?
9. What one or two words best describe her worst traits?
Mother’s Childhood
10. Describe as best you can your mother’s childhood.
11. Was she happy? Neglected? Went to work at an early age? Poor? Rich? Sheltered? Ambitious?
Control Dynamics
Even the best of mothers has times when we are not our best. At those times, children can take a mother’s behavior personally and become afraid. The following list allows you to notice your mother’s tendencies. You may wish to estimate a percentage of what was the most common control dynamic:
_____Intimidator: On the verge of exploding; threatening; gave orders; inflexible; angry; self-centered; made you feel afraid.
_____Interrogator: Probed to see what you were doing; critical; undermining; needling; infallible logic; sarcasm; monitored you.
_____Aloof: Tended to be distant; busy; away from home; not too interested in your life; unresponsive; secretive; preoccupied.
_____Poor Me/Victim: Always saw the negative; looked for problems; always talking about being busy or tired; made you feel guilty for not solving her problems.
Your Reaction to the Feminine
How did you react when your mother was in her control dynamic? If more than one is applicable, it might be helpful for you to estimate a percentage value on the descriptions that apply.
_____Intimidator: Did you stand up to your mother and take a strong or rebellious position?
_____Interrogator: Did you try to get her attention by asking questions? Did you try to be smarter than her or find loopholes in her arguments?
_____Aloof: Did you withdraw into yourself, or hide out in your room doing some activity by yourself? Did you stay away from home a lot? Did you hide your true feelings?
_____Poor Me/Victim: Did you try to make your mother feel that you needed help, money, support, attention, by focusing on your troubles so that she would pay more attention to you?
12. What control dynamic/s do you think herparents used?
13. In what way do you think herchildhood influenced her life choices?
Mother’s Philosophy
14. What was most important toher?
15. What statement or credo best expresses your mother’s philosophy of life?
Missing Elements
16. List what you think was missing from her life.
17. What might she have done if she had had more time, money, or education?
I have often said that it seemed like the day I became a grandmother I learned everything I needed to be a good mother. Perhaps for all of us, the learning is best valued in hindsight.
Today I honor my own dear mother, Cathryn P. Smith. I love you, Mom!
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“Youth fades; love droops, the leaves of friendship fall;
A mother’s secret hope outlives them all.”
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, physician and poet
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