Karma and Forgiveness

We crave that deep place within
that cannot be touched by the ups and downs of life,
but rather just IS – connected and whole.

~ Katie Rubinstein

For well over twenty years I have been working with a Karmic stream from a lucid past life. I will tell it like a fictional story so you will be able to hear the truth and make good use of the wisdom and compassion without needing to believe or disbelieve any details. For ease in writing I shall write it the way I experience it, which is in first person.

The best stories begin with long, long ago in a far-away place I was born as a female to parents who were the beloved and trusted leaders in a utopian walled village. I was one with all of nature; able to speak and understand the birds and animals and revered by all in our community. Although I was born a female, I was announced as a male to avoid instability in the face of no heir. It was a truly blissful existence… until I was approaching puberty.

Overhearing my parents discussing the dilemma that soon my body would betray us and violence was sure to occur, I ran away thinking that my being there was the problem so running away would be the solution. All delusion is that misguided, and this was a slippery slope for sure.

I was befriended by a man who cared greatly for me as the son of the leaders but as time passed it became obvious I was a female, and his love became corrupt. He forced himself on me, resulting in my becoming pregnant. I was so frightened and ignorant and unhappy, and he was so frightened that I would run away he incarcerated me. I could not see or hear the birds and animals. I was bereft.

Peeling a large sliver from the wooden tray he left food for me on, I dug into my wrist, bleeding to death, ending my life and the life of the fetus within me. That unborn one has been my business partner for over twenty years in this life, and the man who had kept me was my business partner’s wife in this lifetime. She loved me so much, but she was not happy with his continuing to work as she was retired and wanted him to retire. Soon after he and I formed a legal partnership and it was obvious he was not only not going to retire but would also be doing a large amount of consulting work with me, she moved out of state saying, “I will see you when I see you.” They were eventually divorced.

“A retreat is best served when you acknowledge your awakeness yet know it is not fully realized yet.”

“There is both wholesome and unwholesome karma. The intention is to go beyond karma.”

“See it as the perfect unfolding of karma…. see the innate perfection everywhere…. you have a portion of it and a responsibility to release that portion for all beings. None of this can happen without intention.”

“For every human there is wholesome karma regardless of how deeply mired in negativity.”

“Each being that looks at unwholesome karma with forgiveness and love is living the intention and brings forth high vibration and love and to heal the whole earth.”

My nighttime dreams and my meditations were filled with painful memories related to this karmic stream. Lucid. Vibrant. Complete with body sensations, smells, sights and sounds.

On Wednesday during the sitting following Darshan with The Mother, as channeled by Barbara Brodsky, I experienced clear seeing of how “saying no with love” could have made space for less pain and suffering for everyone. I heard my former self speak from total love, compassion, and wisdom.

“I am a child. I am very broken hearted, enough so that I do not want to live. If I die, so will your child. You took my body which was not freely given. Please let me go free. Do not force yourself on me again. I cannot promise that I will come to love you in that way, but I will live so your beloved child may also live. Will you at least try?”

Thursday evening’s Dharma talk by John Orr was on faith. John quoted Thomas Merton as having said that faith begins when prayer becomes impossible and the heart has changed to stone. I know that feeling related to this karmic stream….

I see Nuthatch as I open my eyes and I look up the spiritual meaning.

When Nuthatch flutters into your awareness, it brings a message of keeping the faith and trusting what you know within, even if you can’t see it wiht your natural eyes.

As I close my eyes during the final sitting of the day I hear, “You can’t go back, Dear One. Your heart is seeking to find freedom here now.”

I sit through floods of torturous memories during meditation but this time I am able to see it all as more being purified. My intent is to lay it all down….

Parallel to all of this inner journey, I have had a yeast flare. Such intense vaginal itching I could not sleep. The probable mental cause of candida according to Louise Hay is feeling very scattered. (As the retreat opened I was so scattered Sivia had to take over the hosting duties.) Lots of frustration and anger and untrusting in relationships. (Oh, yes, very familiar….) The affirmation to clear this pattern is beautifully simple: “I give myself permission to be all that I can be, and I deserve the very best in life. I love and appreciate myself and others.”

“We have to be respectful of the pain the forgiveness is to release.”

“Forcing forgiveness is another way of not forgiving ourselves.”

“When we stop separating ourselves from others, it becomes THE PAIN, and compassion comes. With compassion there is no need for forgiveness.”

Never put anyone out of your heart. ~ Maharshi

I feel such gratitude for the yeast!

“We don’t have to attain nirvana, because we ourselves are always dwelling in nirvana. The wave does not have to look for the water. It already is water. We are one with the ground of our being. Once the wave realizes that she is water all her fear vanishes.” ~ Thich Nhat Hahn