Jesus Loves Me!

Twenty years ago, the Friday after Thanksgiving, I ended my formal relationship with the organized Christian church. It would be too simplistic to say that happened over the curriculum of the Sunday school class I was getting ready to teach. A contributing factor for sure was pain related to a friend’s death from AIDS, and the ongoing fighting about homosexuality within the denomination.

For the most part, I did not miss being part of a church. I found community among wonderful, loving, spiritual people. I enjoyed the Friends of Silence meditation group. The interfaith experience nourished me deeply. I saw God everywhere. My ordination as a Minister of Reunion allowed me to be in ministry to many people who might have otherwise felt cut off from God/Source/Creator/the Universe. Not having a formal tie to a church was simply the next right step in my spiritual development.

What to do about my relationship with Jesus was not quite as simple. The question would come up for me from time to time, and many mystical experiences resulted. Sitting at Stillwaters in meditation I once heard Jesus’ voice chastising me, “Debra, why do you hold me accountable for what people say I said. You know my heart.”

My first time staying on Pine Island in Florida I was driving to a meditation off-island with the intention of making peace with my relationship with Jesus. In front of me was a car driven by a couple who were making out. They were barely driving 20 MPH, on the two lane road where safely passing is not very probable. Very frustrated about being stuck behind them and anxious about being late for the meditation, I totally missed my answer.

It was only after arriving at the mediation, walking into the meditation hall, and seeing a life-size cardboard cutout of Jesus in the corner of the room that my mind flashed back to that car. In huge letters, spread across the back of that station wagon, were the words JESUS LOVES YOU, not just in English, but also in Spanish!

That was the perfect answer to my question. My love for Jesus was born with the children singing Jesus Loves Me in church. I was five years old, and my two older sisters and I had gone to Sunday school. The children were already gathered and singing as we found our way. I knew instantly that song meant Jesus loved me, Debbie Smith. I drew comfort and strength and peace and wisdom from that truth. So making peace with this meaningful relationship was—well, meaningful.

A few weeks after my encounter with the Jesus-loving make-out station wagon, my friend Pamela Chappell was singing at Unity of Fort Myers. I stayed out in the bookstore at the table where Pamela’s CDs were for sale, and she saved me a seat in the sanctuary. I ended up seated directly in front of this portrait of what some call the surfer Jesus. I mention some of that experience in a 2012 blog post: “How to Argue About Jesus“.

This past winter, I got another opportunity to receive the assurance of Jesus’ love from yet another evangelical vehicle:

While at Oakwood on retreat in October 2016, things finally came together! This is the message that came through:

I will always walk with you. Don’t put me above you. Simply take my hand and say, “Jeshua, walk with me; walk by my side.” And in every moment, I am with you. How could I ever depart from you? For I love you so deeply, now and always. You are me, and I am you, and the heart must soften until you know this truth. Only then can you truly know your awakened nature and the service for which you came to this earth. You are love.

I wrote a simple sentence in my journal: I want to celebrate Christmas!

Later that day, I opened the book Presence, Kindness, & Freedom (p. 102-103) and read about habit patterns often being covered by a smokescreen. In a flash, I recognized the deep pain I had been covering up about having lost contact with my devotion to Jesus. I began to sing to myself, ‘Oh, Jesus, I have promised to love thee to the end…’

I emailed the surfer Jesus photo to the retreat center. I knew it belonged in my collage.

Friday morning I was up early. It was still dark as I left the community building under the moon to walk to the meditation hall for the 6:30 am sitting. I was still searching in my bag for my flashlight when someone with a light came up behind me to my left. I had been holding the light for others all week long, so I had a moment of bliss fully receiving the gift I had been giving.

With sweet appreciation, I picked up my pace and walked along with this person. Until we got to one of the two options to get to the bridge, I assumed it was Celeste, who had been at the dining hall with me moments earlier. As I slowed to see if she would turn, I got a view of this person in my peripheral vision. This person was not Celeste. Celeste was much taller.

In that instant of realizing I had been walking with someone other than I thought, my heart lurched! My breath caught in my chest. My heart broke open with the full realization that for all of these years while I searched for peace with all of this, Jesus had continued to walk with me.

Awash with emotion, I chose to follow this light bearer. I was living the symbolism. I surrendered completely.

My guide did not turn where I expected, but I followed willingly, even expectantly.

When we came to a ditch, I stopped. The light beam was sent down the ditch and up. I stood still, not quite understanding. Down, and up the beam went again.

Finally, my patient light bearer gave a little flick, flick to the beam, as if saying, “Go ahead, it is safe.”

In an altered state, my feet carried me down that ditch and I came up the other side. I found myself at the back of the meditation hall, but I had gotten there via a route I had no idea existed. This experience moved me to my core. The meaning washed over and over me.

At the 6:30 am sitting I heard Jesus telling me, “If I need you to help someone I will call on you. If you don’t hear me calling you to action, relax and enjoy being present to the moment.”

Jesus loves me! What a friend I have in Jesus!