It’s Not a Wall

Yesterday morning I received a text message from Joel, simply, “Not well.”

This was the first news from him since Thursday morning, May 19, when a staff member came in and swabbed his nose, testing him for Covid while we were on FaceTime. After that he did not answer text messages, or return calls. I heard nothing…. nothing at all…. nothing for t-e-n days.

I assured him when he feels up to it, we can FaceTime, and I encouraged him to, “Just rest, as best as you can.”

At 5:37 pm, he sent email: I need your help. I am on the floor in my bedroom and I can’t get up.

At 6:03 pm, he sent the same message again.

I had been watching text messages, in case he reached out for support. I did not check email as he had not sent email for over a month.

At 6:39 pm I forwarded the message to his son and daughter-in-law.

At 7:02 pm, when I called his cell phone he answered, briefly, before a female voice said he was being taken to the hospital to be checked out.

This morning I could again feel the attachment to outcome; the familiar habit energy of wanting to fix; trying to control; desperate to care for my friend. A steady stream of largely unskillful conversations (called ruminations) with his son and daughter-in-law were flowing inside my head. I knew I needed to draw and write again.

I draw a wall or fence that divides the page. On the right side is a broken heart and a face with tears. A hand holds a flower. No one or nothing is on the other side.

Here is the writing:

Dear Debra,

Can you see on the drawing that you are the only one in the picture? What are the thoughts, feelings, impulses that produce the broken heart? You don’t have to list them, just be aware.

Nothing is other than it is.

Somewhere at your center is the deeper wisdom of the universe. Perhaps “the one who knows” is just on the other side of that wall. Perhaps the way over the wall is through “don’t know mind.”

What will allow you to realize you do not know what gifts Joel is offering to his son and family?

What might be the kindness and compassion “energy” you truly wish to bring?

I can see that at some level I have the perception it would be easier if I had access to information.

“Is that so?”

Remember the four pillars of freedom:

1. I could be happy if I had access to information
2. I could be miserable if I had access to information
3. I could be happy if I had no access to information
4. I could be miserable if I had no access to information

Truly, having access or not is out of my control.

What image comforts me?

The memory of Joel with his cats and his nature (the beggar squirrel — the opossum — the fawn) at his home.

Barbara Brodsky’s asking me, “Debra, does the tree still live in your heart?” when I was so upset at the beautiful old (only) tree in our yard being cut down.

You are remembering how comforted John was to imagine that his brother’s consciousness might not be in his body suffering after he had the abdominal aortic aneurysm; perhaps Jerry was actually hanging out with Brother Jim and (son) Scotty.

I am drawn back to Iyanla Vanzant’s tapping prayer on TRUST. Jessica Ortner was told by Louise Hay to trust life. Iyanla says trust is:
T-trust
R-respect
U-understanding
S-surrender
T-timing

I listen to Karen Drucker singing “The Healing Song” and I add a stanza with TRUST.

Trust fills every cell in my body,
every cell is alive with trust.
I relax into the healing process,
I allow spirit to do what it does.

I sing for a while and then I title the drawing: It’s Not a Wall…. It’s Only a Mirror.

We had a Flicker visit our yard this morning. We often have Red-bellied or Downy woodpeckers, but not a Flicker. I look up the totem meaning of Flicker.

Flicker enters your life is when you are out of balance. You might feel you’re in a whirlwind and about to lose all sense of sanity. Flicker Spirit Animal teaches you how to use your “feet,” stand your ground, and weather the storm.

Flicker, as a Spirit Animal, encourages you to be more flexible. The Bird’s message suggests you go with the flow present in your life, and not to let your ego impede what could be something amazing. Humility goes a long way. Being modest doesn’t mean losing yourself to another person’s vision, but being willing to compromise to gain the rewards of cooperative effort.

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. ~ Wayne Dyer

Old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

This afternoon I gave my faded red bicycle wind feature a much needed facelift.

P.S. Sharing this response that came from Barbara Brodsky:

Thank you for today’s post, Debra. Joel is in my prayers.

On Thursday I found myself with some sadness, thinking about so many wonderful Memorial Day weekends at the lake, Thursday evening packing up to go as soon as Hal was home from work, first long weekend of the summer, so welcomed. I went out to the deck asking myself, what is there to cherish here, right now. Enough health to stroll (with walker) around my pretty yard, stopping to sit where something lovely caught my eye. The tall spruces, flowers, many birds, green meadow, deer in the orchard…Then some gardening, sitting on the deck with Hal, reading, playing a game… So clear I cannot enjoy the gifts of today if I’m caught up craving the gifts of yesterday. So it’s been a peaceful weekend. Mind does go to craving the lake, a swim, kayaking at dawn, meditating in the forest on my screened deck. I’m giving thanks for those gifts. And yes, I do miss them. But I have so many gifts right here if I will pay attention. So it has been a bittersweet weekend, but mostly sweet.

Love. Barbara