Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you.
Ira Byock wrote an amazing book about how we can all live our lives with less regret by staying aware of what matters most. The Four Things That Matter Mostcame after he had spent over a decade in emergency medicine, and more than two decades in hospice and palliative care watching people wrestle with the inner demons of wishing things had been different. What four phrases matter most? These phrases that burn peace into our hearts: Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you.
Recently I saw how powerful those energies are, especially between a parent and an adolescent child. This past weekend, my grandson, Adam, and my son-in-law, Doug, were racing go-karts here in Michigan! (see Deep Gratitude blog post from Wednesday, January 4, 2012) Since the track was only about 40 miles from where Lisa lives, she and her husband came out for the day. Lisa is my husband’s niece but she is also my beloved god daughter. It was a rather magical opportunity to share the day.
Lisa’s cell phone did not have reception at the track, but she had been keeping tabs on her younger daughter via text messages through her nephew, Kyle. Lisa granted permission for an outing. The agreement was, “Let me know when you are back.”
Time passed… no word. Lisa left several messages asking her daughter to call her. Nothing… With growing tension, and knowing she would not relax until she knew her daughter was fine, Lisa and her husband headed home.
When Lisa called to tell me she had finally heard from her daughter and that they had been having so much fun playing outside in the sprinklers in the 90 degree heat she had forgotten to give her mom a call. Lisa was on her way to pick her daughter up, saying to her, “You know the rule. You broke the rule.”
My heart broke in that moment…. the mother in me had given way to the grandmother in me. Mothers love so much they can sometimes feel enough responsibility that that rules can in the emotional moments seem more important than the four things that really do matter most. Before hanging up, filled with compassion, I remember quietly saying to Lisa that long after I was a parent myself, I had been at my own mother’s, heading home in Michigan winter weather with the request to let her know we had made it home safely. I would make my way through that storm, and then arrive home but totally forget to give her a call to let her know we had arrived safely until my phone would ring. I would hear her voice and realize how worried she had been.
Lisa said, “Thank you. That just took me down a few pegs. I have done that, too.”
The reason Byock recognized those four things matter most is that we all have….
I am on a healing circle and a member, Lois, recently shared “Something came into my life while here in California. After months of processing and listening, I have found its purpose in my life. ‘It’ is an old Italian candelabra. It is now an important part of my healing ritual. I light a particular candle with a tone and prayer from a request to the Sound Healing Circle. The candle will burn as spirit moves, sometimes an hour, sometimes days. I am so full of joy with this added source of energy from the candle light, the crystal reflections, along with my own energy, together with all of yours, including my Italian ancestors. Life is so blessed as we share and support each other. Gratitude. Gratitude.”
Here is a photo of the Italian candelabra Lois uses as part of her healing ritual. Today, in my heart, I light the candles out of gratitude that our lives are blessed as we share and support each other by remembering and gently reminding one another I have done that, too.
Thank you, Lois. Thank you, Lisa. Thank you, Life. Gratitude. Gratitude.
