Conditions

Barbara Brodsky and Aaron say you learn a lot by noticing what you are still getting caught by:

Remember that you are not separate, that whatever you see is simply yourself reflecting back to you. When you see the beauty in another, you are seeing the beauty and radiance in the self. When you see the shadow side of another, you are seeing the shadow in yourself. If you relate to it as separate, it’s easy to move into a contracted place that wants to fix or blame. Cease to see it as separate and simply remember, ‘The negativity I am experiencing here is simply the mirror of that negativity in myself that I have not fully attended to. In this moment, can I smile and hold this fear and negativity within the self with love?’

“Conditions” give rise to negativity. Negativity does not just jump on you out of the shrubs….

Over the winter “conditions” of negativity had been painfully present with a Michigan friend.

As John and I were out walking Friday morning, I said I would really like to understand what that was all about for me.

The “conditions” would be that my friend and I would have an agreed upon time to do something (during covid, this was admittedly virtually either on Zoom or Facetime or the phone) and she would cancel last minute.

This pattern quickly became a relational habit. My friend had started dating a man.

I would get up and be ready for our 9:00 a.m. agreed upon time and then open a text at 8:45 saying, “He was over until after midnight. I am going to crawl back into bed to get some more sleep.”

I told her it was not working for me. I needed to not make plans she could not keep. She admitted anything we planned would be canceled if something came up with him.

So a very l-o-n-g silence between us ensued. Occasionally over the next few months one or the other of us would initiate a brief text message exchange, but that was it.

John and I had been home from Florida for a month when I sent a text message offering to return a book she had loaned me. “I will drop the book off tomorrow on our way to dinner with my sister and brother-in-law,” I offered.

She replied, “Sounds good! I’ll be home.”

We are both fully vaccinated.

I curled my hair. It is quite long now.

I used mouthwash and freshened my lipstick.

I felt nervous.

I sent a text message letting her know we were leaving our house. I did not receive a reply, and as we turned into her neighborhood, I was pretty sure I saw her in a vehicle with a man!

“I just saw her in that vehicle,” I told John. “Go ahead, go by her house. I can leave the book in the door.”

I slipped the book into a Ziplock bag, left it behind the storm at her front door, and got back into the van. That familiar heavy-hearted feeling… Those darn “conditions” were present again.

I sent a text message saying I had seen them heading out as we were coming in and I had left the book in the door.

“We were at his son’s house for dinner. I found the book! Thank you!”

The following morning I could see clearly how I had treated John this way for years while I was involved with SCS. The adventure and the fun of that life was obvious to anyone who looked. I was always going off somewhere doing something that excited me and excluded him. I saw how I had been taking our relationship for granted.

Interestingly, this is the exact story line of the book I was returning!

“As comforting as a mug of chamomile tea on a rainy Sunday.”
(New York Times Book Review)

When John woke up Sunday morning I shared all of this with him and asked his forgiveness and told him how grateful I am that he remained faithful and kept his heart open… I never intended to hurt him. He was not even in my radar.

Aha! That is exactly what I had been feeling: I was not even in her radar.

I don’t think she has any idea how this felt.

I certainly did not.

I do now.

And I am so grateful for the way life (karma) remains sticky until it brings us full circle.