Grapevine Daily Quote
May 30
“Truly transforming spiritual experiences are nearly always founded on calamity and collapse.”
AA Co-Founder, Bill W., August 1957, “The Physicians”, The Language of the Heart
August of 2017 was a month of ginormous change. We were settling into our new tiny home. My brother-in-law, Jim, passed peacefully early in the morning on Wednesday, August 16. My nephew, David, was released from prison and began what was to be one year of parole. Over the months, I have mentioned him in previous blog posts. The story of his being accepted at the men’s mission in Holland (Google Maps and 70×7); helping him get his commercial driver’s license back (A Wonderful Week); calling on kitty therapy to breathe through a crisis (Pure Positive Energy); confessions of dealing with fearful patterns (The Voice of Assurance); and his being incarcerated again (Depression: The Secret We Share).
Through each of these posts, my fingers on the keyboard brought clarity, peace, and sanity in times of calamity and collapse. Today, again, I write.
Last week David got out of Jail, and his mom picked him up and brought him to St. Joseph to get his truck. His job was going to keep him, and the place where he was staying was going to let him come back. Within 24 hours he cut himself out of the tether, and went on a binge again. Two days later he called his mom, asking for $200 or the dealers were going to “bash his head in.” She told him she didn’t have the money, and for him to try to get away. He ended up having my brother-in-law come and get him and he turned himself in again. His parole agent said David is in a very dark place and has asked to be sent back to prison saying parole is too hard.
These posts are about my process, as much as they are about David. I share his pain, his disappointment, his discouragement, his despair.
I am reminded of a funeral I went to decades ago. I do not even remember now who the woman was but I remember she had committed suicide. The pastor talked about the way we tend to view the whole by looking at a single part. He lifted up how hard she had fought the depression, how many moments of success she had experienced, how much she loved life and her family. He reminded us to remember those moments too, not just this moment of her death.
Part of my therapy this week was watching Momma Mia! (again). Feeling my chest tighten, witnessing the lump in my throat, and welcoming tears as Meryl Streep and Amanda Seyfried sing “Slipping Through My Fingers” , I knew I was also watching for David. Here are the lyrics, but if you can, please, click on the link to watch the clip. Streep is brilliant. Seeing this clip is moving because it holds such truth for our human condition.
Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I’m losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I’m glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she’s gone there’s that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can’t deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(Slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didn’t
And why I just don’t know
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers…
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile..
Songwriters: Benny Andersson / Bjoern K Ulvaeus / Bjorn Ulvaeus
Slipping Through My Fingers lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
This morning I hold my mala beads as I let the illusion wash away:
Marker bead: Namo Prajna, Paramita Hridaya. Homage to the wisdom mind.
63rd Bead: Whatever has the nature to arise has the nature to cease and is not me nor mine.
64th bead: When wholesome thoughts arise, cultivate the wholesome.
When unwholesome thoughts arise, abandon the unwholesome.
65th bead: Tend the contents of the mind with compassion, as a mindful gardener tends his garden.
66th bead: This is the way to purify the mind and
remove the clouds that obscure the vision of ultimate reality.
Intention bead: In this way will I train myself.
David is not his actions, skillful or unskillful. He is not his thoughts, wholesome or unwholesome. He is not his emotions, pleasant or painful. Nor are you and neither am I. May all beings come to the end of suffering.
P.S. Let me know if you would like a copy of the 108 Bead “Daily Recollection” version by Barbara Brodsky of Deep Spring Meditation Center.
