A Time for Cherishing

Last week I heard again the message from Aaron, “If you were not ready, you would not have taken birth at this time…. You did not come to fail…. Are ready to trust your heritage as deeply loving?…. You cannot fully express light until you live in darkness…. You and the earth are inseparable…. Be a lamp until yourselves…. It takes your human vibration to co-create the future earth…. You are ready…. You are not alone.”

I have been living in the darkness. I confess to have been struggling with Stacey’s choice to continue to move about during the pandemic. I opened my journal and let myself be honest: I did not agree and I was mad. In Heart of the Soul, Gary Zukav, encourages us to continue again and again to challenge our anger. First comes the pain, then the fear—the terror of realizing you cannot control all that you feel is essential to your safety and well-being.

I was making dinner when I looked out on our front porch and saw John and the guy who does maintenance here on our home for us shoulder-to-shoulder with one another! I shot across the great room like a stone out of a slingshot, flug the storm door open, and yelled at them both through gritted teeth: “What the hell are you two thinking? Kissing distance is not social distancing!” It was awkward, painful, embarrassing, and maddening. For all of us.

It got more painful when Stacey called and asked me how it was going. I shared the experience and felt the pain of the gaping whole in both of our hearts when she asked me what it would take for me to be willing to risk her dad’s being with someone. I told her I was mad at her. I asked her what she would be willing to do to help keep her dad safe. We both cried—the distance between personal viewpoints was a lot wider than six feet.

The following morning I again wrote in my journal: Some awkward exchange with Stacey about COVID-19. What would you have me know?

V: It is any worse to die in fear than to live in fear? No one is ever alone. You are giving up so much false belief.

Later that evening, playing ZOOM dominoes with good friends, I tearfully confessed that while extra caution is warranted because of John’s comorbidity risk factors (diabetes, hypertension, and on steroids for Polymyalgia), the anger was covering up my fear. Fear which had been my companion for a long time: I was hospitalized in isolation diagnosed with polio at age five, and I experienced post-surgical complications and ended up in the cardiac intensive care unit due to aFib related to having had a nasal gastric tube in 2012.

It has been such a tender process, realizing we are incapable of fully expressing light until we live in darkness, but I am willing to trust our true heritage.

This message came with Darshan yesterday (Darshan is an opportunity or occasion of seeing a holy person or the image of a deity):

You are so radiant. So beautiful. I am saying this to the one present before me, but to all of you. You are all radiant and beautiful and I love you. Sometimes your forget how beautiful you are. Imagine a very lovely silver pitcher — radiant. But here is a spot of tarnish (just a little one). Does this make the pitcher any less? When it is appropriate, it can be polished a bit, but the form of the pitcher and the radiance and the quality of the water that the pitcher holds is not diminished by the spot of tarnish. And, remember that when you get that spot cleared off, you are go to say, “It’s perfect. NO…. there’s another one!” So relax. Focus instead on the radiance of the entire pitcher, the entire being that you are — mind, body, and spirit — with great appreciation. Pride is not going to come up and destroy your radiance. You’re past that. Now is a time for relaxing and cherishing. I love you.