A Heart that Hurts

There are opportunities
even in the most difficult moments.

~ Wangari Maathai

It has been a busy couple of weeks. We left Michigan on Monday, November 21, and have been staying with Stacey and Doug here in Smyrna, Tennessee. We had an easy trip down, and we had a wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner with all of the kids on Friday. Things took an unexpected turn a few days ago…. seems as though I was not complete with that yeast infection and the remorse.

The itchy face began again in earnest. By Tuesday morning, my face was quite red and dry, itching and burning. Wednesday morning, November 30, I woke up with my entire face inflamed and so severely swollen I am barely recognizable. (Note – I have attached a photo. If you receive Yellow Brick Road by email you will have to click on the title and follow the link to the website to see it. I warn you, it is not pretty….)

Not a coincidence that this event occurred five months to the day since I last had a FaceTime call with Joel, this after over twenty years of almost daily contact, including many, many trips to trainings, conferences, and speaking engagements. Mind you, I made the decision that the kindest thing might be for me to stop trying so hard to maintain contact given the increased dementia that resulted in his move to be near his son.

The team at American Family Care was so kind and very thorough. Soon after a steroid injection I was looking more like myself and feeling a whole lot better. I am on a 14-day aggressive program, hopefully this will both ease the yeast out without triggering another histamine storm. They are speaking the truth when they stay skin is the largest, most sensitive organ of the human body.

From my journal yesterday morning at 3:33 am EST:

Dear Holy Spirit,

I open email to the Gratefulness.org Word for the Day: The flower is always the bud’s undoing. Let it go. Pavithra K. Mehta wrote that. She is a writer-filmmaker, in a family of 21 (and still counting) eye surgeons. This might explain her fondness for stories that help people see…

This is to be the theme of the conversion pages as we leave a legacy of SCS-Matters on line for the world.

I watched the CBS Morning interview with actor and comedian, Rob Delaney. Rob’s heart-wrenching memoir is titled A Heart that Works. The title was taken from the lyrics of the song by Juliana Hatfield, Universal Heartbeat: A heart, a heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works. Rob’s son, Henry, died at two-and-one-half years of life from a brain tumor on Rob’s birthday.

It has been five months since I last spoke to Joel on FaceTime….

I draw to find meaning from the pain, and I write to share meaning with others. There are opportunities even in the most difficult moments.

The drawing is titled “No Blame, No Shame.” There is a thought bubble with the words, “What did I (or you) (or anyone) do to deserve this pain?”

The face has one tear and the red, swollen, itchy realty of my current face.

I write in the first of the Four Noble Truths: Everybody suffers just like you.

I ponder what has me awake. The coughing spell (our Jackson had a bad cold with fever and coughing when he got here on Friday and first Doug, and then I got a cold)? The five-month anniversary of last speaking to Joel? The haunting remorse of my choice to not try and force contact?

I notice a slight uphill to the words on the page. I misspell hallelujah and have to look it up. (Ha! I misspelled it when keying it in just now, too.)

I change the description from uphill to upward slant.

As the heat of the histamine storm releases, perhaps my heart is easing into a steady beat of loving what is, even if I’m not able to enjoy it.

I add the lyrics to “Universal Heartbeat” by Juliana Hatfield: A heart that hurts, is a heart, a heart that works.

I draw a sun in the upper right corner of the page and add: The sun shines even on a rainy day.

Along the left margin I write: I am not ashamed to share my messes with the masses. It is beautiful to know you are not alone. I add arrows and the words: No more red marking pens.

I have attached a photo of the drawing. Remember to click on the title and follow the link to the website if you want to see it.

This morning’s Daily Quote from Aaron really speaks to my heart: “Remember that your energy does touch everything in the world. When you are caught up in fear, that frightened energy reverberates around the globe. When you feel compassion and lovingkindness, that energy spreads around the globe.”

A heart that hurts is a heart that works.