I was looking for someone
to inspire me, motivate me, support me,
keep me focused….
Someone who would love me,
cherish me, make me happy,
and I realized that all along,
I was looking for myself.
~ BKWSU Thought for Today
What would you answer if you were asked, “Who are you?” Years ago, an encounter game was aimed at helping you notice how much your identity can limit you and even deny your true essence. The game goes this way: Person A asks, “Who are you?” Person B might respond by saying, “A woman.” “A wife.” These first expressions are customarily roles. Person A asks again and again, “Who are you?” After the surface roles are exhausted it is common to have responses that address character. “An honest person.” “A good friend.”
Beyond the identify of how you behave, phrases addressing your being begin to emerge: “A soul.” “An expression of divine intelligence.”
Very often on the surface our identity is rife with excuses for behavior that is not in alignment with integrity, and can be spotted by words or phrases in our language like can’t or never or always. “I can’t sing.” “I never win.” “I always get lost.”
At the very moment I was writing this article, the Daily OM titled “Stop Comparing Yourself to Others” popped into my inbox with this opening: “There is nobody else like you in the world and this is worth celebrating rather than searching for faults. You are unique. There is no one else like you in the entire universe. In honor of your unique self, it is good to acknowledge and embrace the special qualities that make you the person that you are. One way to do this is to not compare yourself with other people.”
We all experience the world using our senses, which (assuming that we have all of them) include vision, healing, touch, smell, and taste. The areas of the brain that process sensory data are close to one another, and when they have them available, people use all five of their senses to observe and process information, and form conclusions about their world and about themselves.
It has been said that negative feelings are not true feelings at all, but that emotions we consider painful, negative, or less than pleasant are our thoughts about something in the past. If we are unaware of the visual images we are showing ourselves, we may feel afraid but not be aware that we are showing ourselves scary images. The voice of the “inner critic” may not even be noticed, yet, calling yourself names (such as stupid or lazy) will most likely produce more of the undesired behavior. What changes for you as you see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you? One way to do that is through the “Become Somebody Who Loves YOU” exercise adapted from I Can Make You Thin, by Paul McKenna.
This exercise may stimulate a pleasant sensation in more than one of your senses. You can recall this pleasant inner feeling over and over. The more often you enjoy it, the easier it becomes, and with practice, you will notice that it is natural to love and feel loved.
1. Close your eyes and think of someone who loves or deeply appreciates you. Remember how he or she looks, and use your imagination to have it be as if he or she is standing in front of you now.
2. Imagine what it would be like for you to gently step out of your body and into the body of this person who loves or appreciates you. Imagine that you can see through his or her eyes, hear through his or her ears, and feel the good feelings this person has as you look at yourself. Really notice in detail what it is that this person loves and appreciates about you. Recognize and acknowledge those amazing qualities that perhaps you hadn’t appreciated about yourself until now.
3. Step back into your own body and take a few moments to enjoy those good feelings of knowing that you are loved and appreciated exactly as you are.
One benefit of your coming to know yourself beyond all the labels and limitations is that you become less self-absorbed and more available to others. You are less in your head talking to and about yourself and more present to hear what the other is expressing, both verbally and nonverbally. Recently I shared this wonderful poem:
EVERYTHING IS WAITING FOR YOU
by David Whyte
Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden transgressions.
To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice. You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.
Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.
(Everything is Waiting for You, from RIVER FLOW: New and Selected Poems and from EVERYTHING IS WAITING FOR YOU Poems by David Whyte © David Whyte and Many Rivers Press)
As our identity shifts and we receive the gifts of all of existence as they are given for us, we worry less about how we compare to another and witness the divine intelligence and beauty of our uniqueness. You are the one and only you.