Hearing that an addictions recovery program told a potential participant not to stop drinking until he was admitted because the insurance company might not consider him eligible really catches our attention. Most of us have had the experience of telling someone what not to do and watching that person do it.
- Don’t run.
- Don’t look now.
- Don’t forget.
- Don’t interrupt me.
In NLP, these are called negative commands. While the intended meaning is obvious to the conscious mind, the unconscious mind interprets meaning quite differently. The unconscious mind is more “literal.” A classic example is from the TV show, Get Smart, a Mel Brooks TV series. Secret Agent Maxwell Smart was working with Hymie, a human-looking robot. When Maxwell told Hymie to “kill the light,” Hymie pulled out a gun and shot the light fixture. The metaphorical meaning was overlooked and assumed to be literal. Negative commands work the same way. The unconscious mind simply overlooks the negative part and focuses on the embedded command. How a robot would interpret “Don’t kill the light” would depend on whether it had been programmed to interpret the negative command. The chances are that you received no such training when you were growing up.
When given the negative command, “Don’t stop drinking until you are admitted to the program,” the potential program attendee moved up the admission date to avoid having to continue drinking. So in that case, the negative command had the desired result, and the program representative avoided giving the participant another opportunity for failure before enrolling.
Negative commands can be used skillfully as well as unskillfully. Another NLP phrase is that the meaning of the message is the response it elicits. Skillfully using a negative command is the result of knowing what action is desired and carefully observing what the recipient does after hearing the negative command. When you tell someone, “Don’t look now, but….” the person might get whiplash from looking. Unless you have what amounts to parental authority, “Don’t interrupt me…” is likely to produce interruptions. You can envision what might happen if you are a passenger in a car being driven by a friend, and you say, “Don’t turn left at the next intersection….”
Debra was on a wilderness camping outing with senior high students. She had brought a bar of Neutrogena biodegradable soap. One of the campers had forgotten her soap, and the first evening asked to share Debra’s. Handing the student the clear brown, slippery bar of soap Debra gave a negative command, “This does not float, so don’t drop it.” You can imagine the rest of the story: Debra and the student both had to borrow soap for the rest of the outing.
Negative commands can be fun when both the speaker and the listener understand them. One NLP student would leave class with a big grin saying, “Don’t think about me while I am gone,” knowing he was demonstrating clearly he had been paying attention to what he had learned about negative commands.
Negative commands can be used to skillfully point a reader or listener in the direction you desire:
- Don’t believe what we are saying until until you are convinced you will have a use for it.
- Don’t take our word for it without making sure you know for yourself what we are saying will benefit you.
- Don’t stop worrying unless you can be sure what is best for you.
- Don’t just forget the bad stuff. Also appreciate all the good.
Advertisers sometimes make huge mistakes with the use of negative commands, telling potential customers, “Don’t hesitate;” or “Don’t miss this sale.” Fortunately, you know now the way the negative command works and why it doesn’t.
One of the most critical applications of negative commands is related to our health and well-being. “Don’t stop taking this medication without calling your doctor.” Be sure you pay attention to when you are being given a negative command that is taking away your personal power. You are taking back your power when you don’t let anyone, even someone in authority, influence you adversely.
A linguist, George Lakoff wrote a book entitled, Don’t Think of an Elephant, knowing people would do exactly that—and in thinking about an elephant would be likely to buy the book, if only to find out why they were to avoid thinking about the elephant.
Most people can remember having been given negative commands by their parents, teachers, and other adults when they were children. “Don’t do that;” “Don’t interrupt me;” “Don’t write on the walls….” If you were punished for the offensive behavior, you may have changed your behavior at least to the point of being careful to avoid getting caught, but no child ever changed his or her behavior as the result of a negative command. A long time ago, a behavioral psychologist, B.F. Skinner, demonstrated the effectiveness of shaping behavior using rewards and punishments based on operant conditioning. In general, behaviors that are rewarded are repeated, while behaviors that are punished are “extinguished.”
Rewards and punishments work well for most people most of the time. The trick is discovering what the other person finds rewarding and what he or she will consider punishment. That’s not always easy, but it is always worth the effort. It is also worth noticing when you are given or give negative commands. Helping someone live a clean and sober life is just one of the many benefits, isn’t it….