The idea that actions are “high quality” communication has been around a long time. The old saying is that “actions speak louder than words.” You’ve also doubtless hear people say, “Put your money where your mouth is.” What people do is usually considered a better indication of what they are thinking than their words suggest. Sometimes, the difference between what people say and what they do is obvious: A person might say, “Trust me. I will be there at 9 tomorrow morning,” when he or she has no intention of being there at all. Or a person might intend to be there but show up a little late. Or a lot late. Or simply not show at all. It’s also been said that, “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”
When people actually do something that conveys a message, such as Colin Kaepernick’s refusal to stand for the National Anthem before football games, people don’t always equate the action with the words that would convey the same idea. Many who would readily agree with him if he said, “Black people aren’t treated fairly in this country,” complain about his “disrespect” for the flag and the country it represents. His engaging in the “speech act” of not standing is the idea behind the saying, Put your Money where your mouth is. The idea here is, if you really believe what you are saying, do something that proves it. Kaepernick wanted people to pay attention to what he was saying, so he took action to make his point.
During the Revolutionary War, Thomas Paine referred to summer soldiers and sunshine patriots, who served in the Continental Army only when it was convenient. The behavior of the summer soldiers indicated that they were not fully committed to the cause of defeating the British. People can and do, of course, change their minds based on what seems important at the moment. Ralph Waldo Emerson famously said, A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. Thomas Paine and George Washington were focusing on the long-term need to defeat the British, and the summer soldiers were divided between their desire to defeat the British and their need to be back at the farm to take care of planting and harvesting the crops. They wanted to defeat the British, but they also wanted their farms to do well. Both serving as soldiers in the summer and returning to the farm to tend to the fields are “speech acts.” The coming and going of the part-time soldiers communicated both priorities. To fully understand the behavior of the summer soldiers, you have to recognize their conflicting needs and desires. A single act is not enough, but actions over time indicate choices that form the basis of “character.”
With the “summer soldiers” of the Revolutionary War and Colin Kaepernick’s refusal to stand for the National Anthem, we see that speech acts catch attention and influence both opinion and behavior. While most of us will never engage in speech acts that will influence public opinion, our behavior—what we do—says a lot about what we value and whether others can trust us. In terms of our own relationships, others relate to us based on accumulated experience. The more experience we have with another, the more accurate our perception. If your only interaction with a person was a nasty argument, that experience might result in a frozen evaluation, an opinion difficult to change. Longer term relationships usually provide varied experiences, some good and some not so good. Marriages usually last as long as the perception of “good” outweighs the perception of “bad.” When the “bad” outweighs the “good,” a marriage will end. The final “negative” is often called the last straw—the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Individuals in a relationship, of course, have different thresholds for the point at which something becomes “the last straw.” One of the things that makes relationships difficult is that we never know from day to day or week to week where our own “point of no return” might be, let alone the other person’s. We can go along thinking everything is perfectly OK only to discover when it is too late that the other person’s load of straw had become excessive. In general, when we are well-rested and healthy, we can carry more “baggage.” We have all seen that with children: when they are well-rested and -fed, their dispositions tend to be good. When they are tired and hungry, every little thing sets them off. What we don’t often recognize is that the same is also true for adults. An adult who is tired and/or hungry will have a “shorter fuse” than one who is well-rested and -fed.
February, the shortest month of the year in the Christian calendar, is the month during which we celebrate Valentine’s Day, usually by exchanging token gifts with the person we consider “our Valentine.” The token gifts, whether something physical (flowers, jewelry, etc.) or “speech acts” (going out to dinner or to the theater) are designed to demonstrate feelings. A long time ago Ann Landers said, The only two people who know what’s true about a relationship are the two people in it—and sometimes one of them doesn’t know. While there’s wisdom in that concept, it misses the point that the relationship is different for each of the people in it.
Perhaps this February, not only on Valentine’s Day but before and after as well, you might spend some time thinking about your relationships, past, present and “still possible.” That’s not always easy. It’s much easier to see the mote in the other person’s eye than it is to see the beam in your own. And as you think about your relationships this month, that’s probably a good place to start. How is the “beam” in your eye contributing to or detracting from the quality of your relationships? That would probably be different, of course, for each of your significant relationships. A woman once told me that I was “nicer to the dog” than I was to her. She was right. At the same time, however, the dog was nicer to me than she usually was. One of the basic truths is that we tend to reap what we sow. This is not to say that changing what you sow will change the nature of your relationships, but it is the best—and only—place to start.