A Positive Perspective on Projection

Katie and Gay Hendricks say your partner likely has nothing to do with how hurt you feel. “When you’re this hurt and convinced your partner is the cause of your pain, you’re almost certainly projecting. And when you project, you wholeheartedly believe your problem is one thing, but it actually comes from something else.” If this idea rubs you the wrong way in even the slightest, it will likely do your heart and your relationships a world of good to keep reading.

3 Ways To Know You’re Projecting

First, let’s look at how projection shows up and how it feels in your body:

1. Righteousness:

When you’re projecting, you’re 100% convinced you’re 100% right about the situation at hand – and you’re certain your partner is at fault. You’ll feel angry, your brow will furrow, and you might even assume an intimidating posture over your mate.

2. Feeling Wronged:

If a minor argument with your partner leaves you feeling deeply hurt, and you experience a feeling of sadness in your chest, then you’re likely projecting something from your past onto them. Maybe it was a parent who let you down, or it could be a situation from your school days when you felt as if another kid got away with something he did to you.

3. Feels like life or death:

Have you ever felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety or panic during an argument with your spouse? The need to resolve something right here, right now is a signal that you’re likely bringing a past traumatic event into the present moment.

~ The Surprising Reason You Become Deeply Upset With Your Partner, by Katie and Gay Hendricks

Relationships have been called the fertile soul in which you get to grow yourself up. Think about it this way, every one of us was a kid. We all know kids get their feelings hurt very easily.

In 1967, Thomas A. Harris, M.D., secured a copyright on I’m OK, You’re OK. The book was a wildly popular layperson’s guide to Eric Berne’s theory of Transactional Analysis (TA).

TA identifies four ‘life positions’ individuals adopt which profoundly influence how they go about their lives and interact with people. These are: ‘I’m okay, you’re not okay’; ‘I’m not okay, you’re okay’; ‘I’m not okay, you’re not okay’; and ‘I’m okay, you’re okay’. An important part of the book is the ‘revelation’ that the ‘natural situation of childhood’ leads to everyone having a ‘not OK Child’.

When we find someone we love our frightened and tender memories begin doing everything they can to come forth so we can get over the past. Only if this goes unrecognized, is the past dragged into our current relationship. When Joel and Debra began working together, we both projected on to one another. One evening Debra was cooking dinner for Joel and asked him what time he would like dinner to be ready. Joel saw the terror on her face when she told him dinner was ready a few minutes earlier than the ideal time. His thought was, “I don’t know who scared her so much, but I know it was not me.”

Each of us is responsible for releasing our past. Our past is too heavy a burden for the ‘other’ to carry. In fact, our past is too heavy for us to carry.

The positive perspective on projection is that it helps us to notice our defensive reactions. We make mistakes. Sometimes we draw criticism from a valued person about something we have done or have not done. As children, we internalized this pain by deciding someone did something wrong.

Emotional maturity means we can stand the heat of our relating. We can stand the pain of taking on the blame for something we did wrong, without going into shame. We are able to see clearly what we did or did not do. We do not have to hide our eyes from the facts. We can see what is out there for us and others to deal with. Forgiveness and reconciliation are the goal, developing and/or maintaining a safe and loving experience of ‘I’m okay, you’re okay’.