Timing and Sequence (30 October 2008)

Somewhere along the way, most of us have heard the saying, “Take the time to do it right the first time because there’s always time to do it over.” Many of my early experiences with this concept came while I was building Heath Kit electronic products in early adolescence. One of the directions I was inclined to ignore was DO NOT SOLDER. I would think, “There are already too many wires at this point. Surely there won’t be another.” I would solder. A few pages later I would need to unsolder to add another component. As we are growing up, most of us encounter a lot of lessons about the importance of sequence. You probably memorized, “I before E except after C.” At the time, you may have even thought, “That’s weird.” In baseball and other sports, the order is first base, second base, and third base, before going “home” to score. In general, the things we do well are those things for which we have learned a strategy or process that includes an appropriate sequence and timing.

My daughter-in-law’s father, a sushi chef in Japan, told me that the best way to cook salmon is to pan fry it in olive oil. He emphasized the importance of heating the oil “until it smokes” before putting the fish in. The sequence is important. If you put the fish in too soon, it absorbs too much oil. For those not yet familiar with pan frying, I should add a warning about putting the salmon in the smoking olive oil while naked….

In some cases, the sequence for an activity is obvious. We (usually) open the garage door before backing out. In other cases, we consider sequence and timing less important. In conversation, for example, we typically rely on our unconscious knowledge of word order in sentences and the need for logical connection from idea to idea to serve our need for order and logic. In the Heath Kit metaphor, we get the wires in the right place, but we may solder prematurely.

Part of the problem is the perception of expertise. When cooking, for example, inexperienced cooks do well to follow the steps listed in a recipe to ensure an appropriate outcome. Those with more experience know what steps in the sequence can be rearranged with no ill effects. When it comes to conversation, however, most people consider themselves experts even when their conversational skills are the equivalent of cooks whose principal rule for cooking is two minutes on high.

Language—the everyday language of conversation—is a major influence on attitudes and behavior, and the sequencing of ideas is a major influence on the power of language to influence. Consider the conjunction “but.,” which Debra and I refer to as “The Magic But” for its ability to change the way people think about things. But and other “pivot” words in sentences, such as however, although, and in spite of, are basically saying, “not that, this.” Whether the speaker and listener know it or not, they are a verbal way to create what in NLP is called a SWISH—a procedure designed to establish a new behavioral pattern.

Pivot words in a sentence contrast one idea with another: “I am really interested in learning NLP, but I think the training is too expensive.” In the preceding sentence, the “but” negates the interest in learning NLP and emphasizes the expense of the training. That seems to leave the listener with only the option of arguing with the speaker about the expense and, perhaps, saying something about the long-term value of learning NLP. As you might imagine, however, the “but” wouldn’t be Magic if there weren’t more to it.

• Person A: I am really interested in learning NLP, but I think the training is too expensive.
• Person B: So … you think that the training is too expensive, but you’re really interested in learning NLP….

As you’ve probably noticed, the simple change in sequence around the pivot word but changes the dynamics of the conversation. Instead of bringing the conversation to a halt, it creates the opportunity to explore Person A’s interest in learning NLP.

An interesting aspect is that pivot words aren’t always in the middle of the sentence. Sometimes they occur at the beginning: “Although I am really interested in learning NLP, I think the training is too expensive.” In this case, although subordinates and denigrates the interest in learning NLP and emphasizes the expense. To change that perception, change the sequence of the phrases: “So … although you think the training is too expensive, you’re really interested in NLP.”

When you use a speakers’ own words, you are pacing their expectations; and when you change the sequence, you are leading them in a direction that will facilitate ongoing discussion.

Because changing the sequence of the statements is actually a verbal SWISH, you can use this same strategy to influence future behavior. A person says, “I’d really like to stop smoking, but I need my cigarettes to stay calm.” Change the sequence: “So … you need your cigarettes to stay calm, but you’d really like to stop smoking.”

The sequence in which ideas are presented reveals the speaker’s sense of their relative importance: “I like X, but I can’t afford it.” What is important in that sentence is the speaker’s perception of not being able to afford something he or she wants. The desire ends at the roadblock of expense. By changing the sequence, you help the individual see new possibilities: “You can’t afford it, but you like X….” The roadblock disappears at least long enough for the person to explore the values of X. It may turn out that the person doesn’t like X enough to justify the expense, but at least he or she has the opportunity to consider the options.

You may be thinking, “I like this idea, but I can’t see myself using it.” And you already know that I would reply, “So … you can’t see yourself using it….”

joel@scs-matters.com
www.scs-matters.com